


Boy Toy

by tayeah



Category: Free!
Genre: (but not really), (he just doesn't know how to deal with feelings and stuff), Angst, Anxiety, Biting, Bottom Nitori Aiichirou, Choking, Consensual Sex, Denial of Feelings, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Dominance, First Time Blow Jobs, Friends With Benefits, Hair-pulling, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka, Implied Matsuoka Rin/Yamazaki Sousuke, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Matsuoka Rin Being an Asshole, Roommates, Rough Sex, Shower Sex, So much angst, Top Matsuoka Rin, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:41:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 71,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6911350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tayeah/pseuds/tayeah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon compliant. Aiichirou finds himself in kind of a twisted relationship with a boy he has deep feelings for. But when choosing between a friends-with-benefits relationship and not being with Rin at all, the choice is very easy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "You’re distracting."

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. I always welcome constructive criticism, and feedback in general is worth more than gold to me, so please drop a comment if you can! ♥  
> Btw I'm probably the slowest writer in the world, so expect continuation, but don't expect it immediately.
> 
> A small detail that bugs me forever if I don't announce it right here: for the sake of this story, let's agree that each room in the Samezuka dormitory has its own bathroom instead of one shared one. I have my reasons...
> 
> The first chapter moves forward pretty fast but it's kind of necessary for the story to work. The pace will balance out later. **The first chapter was partially re-written on 20th of May 2017, Boy Toy's one year anniversary.**
> 
> Oh and if you want to see reblogs and posts related to this fic and my other writings, go ahead and follow [tayeah on tumblr](http://tayeah.tumblr.com)! c:

Rin’s muscles tensed and relaxed, tensed and relaxed.

Aiichirou constantly had to remind himself not to stare. But no matter how much he tried to repeat to himself that he was only helping his roommate with his daily exercise, and that it was nothing special to look at, his eyes kept gluing onto the working muscles of Rin’s upper body. Rise – fall – rise – fall – it was almost hypnotizing.

One could imagine that at this point Aiichirou would have gotten used to having Matsuoka Rin’s gorgeous body in his sight. Unfortunately, the situation seemed to be going further and further to the opposite direction; every day it was a bit harder to focus when Rin worked out in front of his eyes. Or changed his clothes. Or ran his fingers through his own hair. Or laughed. Or grunted in his sleep.

To be honest, it didn’t matter much what Rin did. It was just hard to focus with him around.

There was no other way to put it – Aiichirou was in love; he had fallen and fallen hard. He had no intention to tell Rin or anyone else about it, though. Not only was he afraid of messing up their slowly forming friendship, he could also tell Rin was definitely not interested in him that way. So he kept quiet about the persistent feeling that had lived in his chest ever since their very first days as roommates.

The thing was, it was becoming incredibly difficult to hide it. Especially in situations like this one, when they both were on Rin’s bed and it was horribly easy to imagine a whole other reason for Rin’s light panting.

Feelings were difficult enough to hide, but the fire in Aiichirou’s body when he looked at Rin was a whole another thing.

After finishing the set of sit-ups, Rin laid down on his back, arms folded behind his head. The red head closed his eyes for a moment, taking his time to relax his body. His chest expanded with each breath; Aiichirou couldn’t help his thoughts running as he stared at it. There was a unique language Rin’s body seemed to be speaking to him; a language so appealing, Rin might have as well be screaming _touch me_ at the top of his lungs. And he wasn’t even doing it intentionally.

How easy it would be to bend over Rin’s body, to kiss the skin of Rin’s neck that was glimmering with a hint of sweat, to continue down from there, to the chest, over the navel, and keep going downwards –

”You can let go of my ankles already”, Rin cut off Aiichirou’s thoughts.

Aiichirou startled and crashed back to reality, quickly letting go of Rin’s ankles he had been pressing against the mattress. He hoped that the slight blush that was rising on his cheeks would go unnoticed.

Of course Rin had to notice. ”What’s wrong with you?” the boy asked, frowning.  
”Nothing!” Aiichirou said quickly. ”It’s just, you look – uh – I mean –”

Aiichirou cursed in his mind as he felt his cheeks getting a darker shade of red. _You look?_ Certainly not what he had meant to say. He’d have to get a hold of himself – he could not let things like that slip out.

”You did a good job”, he finally managed to say weakly.

Rin’s eyes pierced him. He was definitely suspecting something, or at least considering his behavior odd. ”Um... All right. Thanks.”  
Unable to withstand the tense atmosphere, Aiichirou sprang up from the bed. ”I-I’m sorry I’m acting a little weird, senpai. I seem to be a little distracted.”  
”Why?”

That simple question made Aiichirou freeze on his tracks. Why? He didn’t know how he was supposed to answer that question truthfully without revealing the frustration inside of him. He had let it grow for a long time now, thinking it would subside eventually, but the yearning only seemed to get stronger. Even now, basically all Aiichirou wanted to do was sit astride on Rin’s lap and – no, he definitely wasn’t prepared for this. He could not let Rin know.

To his utter horror, he heard himself say: ”Y-you – you’re distracting.”

Luckily Rin’s reaction was a rather mild one; he seemed to be a little amused if anything. He raised his eyebrows, still half lying on his back, resting his weight on one forearm. ”I am?”

 _God_ , how could anyone be that flirtatious and sexy without even meaning to?

Aiichirou swallowed. Despite wanting to keep his head down and avoid a mess, he suddenly felt a rush of mindless need to let go. He had suppressed his desire for far too long and now it was surging, taking over.

”Your body kind of is”, he admitted quietly, dragging the tips of his toes among the floor in a nervous manner.

Rin didn’t say anything for a long while; he just watched him intently, pondering. His eyes were carefully studying Aiichirou’s body language. Aiichirou wondered if Rin could catch the true meaning behind his shy words. Was there a way to misinterpret it?

”You said ‘you look’ a minute ago”, Rin finally said, simply, ruthlessly. ”So my looks distract you?”  
Aiichirou blushed again. ”Yes.”  
”But you see my body every day at the practice. And around here.”  
Aiichirou lowered his eyes to the floor. ”It still doesn’t mean it’s easy.”

Silence filled the room for a moment.

Thoughts kept bouncing inside Aiichirou’s head in such a speed that he couldn’t get a hold of any of them. His heart pounded harder than after a long swim. The atmosphere was excruciatingly awkward by now; he had to do something, to say something, anything to make him seem less desperate and weak under Rin’s influence. Rin must have thought he was being stupid. He wanted to try saving his dignity in some way, but how?

Then Rin slowly got up, moving to sit on the edge of his bed. ”Well... What do you want me to do, exactly? To give you more space? You don’t have to train with me outside of the swim club.”

Aiichirou’s gaze snapped up from the floor and he shook his head hastily. ”No!”

”What, then?”

Their eyes met and locked. Aiichirou’s cheeks had apparently become permanently red. Countless uninvited thoughts of how Rin could make him feel better filled his head – many of which involved hands, mouths, sweaty skin and movement of hips.

Aiichirou knew that Rin could probably see right through him. To be honest, after months of fantasizing about Matsuoka Rin’s ungodly body on top of his own, he was amazed he hadn’t gotten caught sooner than this.

So what was the point in tiptoeing around the facts?

”I think I...” Aiichirou breathed, his voice barely audible. ”I need you to help me deal with it.”

Rin narrowed his eyes.

Aiichirou bit his lip, not breaking the eye contact, his heart pounding in his chest.

”I need you to have me. Please.”

Then Rin was on his feet; Aiichirou couldn’t register more than Rin’s strangely glowing eyes and a firm grip on his hips, turning him over and pushing his slim body down against the edge of Rin’s bed. Aiichirou let out a soft gasp as his stomach pressed against the mattress, Rin’s fingers hooking on the waistband of his pants.

Questions weren’t asked anymore. And in fact, at the point where Rin got down on his knees behind hi, pushed his own pants down and spat into his hand, Aiichirou couldn’t really form a proper sentence anyway. His whole mind had flipped upside-down; he couldn’t fully understand this was really happening. He could only focus on Rin’s hands on him; an iron grip controlling the movements of his hips.

Rin barely paused after the first rough push to give either of them any time to adjust; he had suddenly thrown away all his doubt and hesitation and whatever shame a man who walked around with a body like that could have. He pulled back and then he was just pushing into him again, again, again.

It hurt like hell, but Aiichirou had wanted this for too long to care. It was Rin.

*

The next day it wasn’t as easy to focus on the positives. It was practically impossible to ignore the fact that Rin had not only fucked him, but also done it too hard, too suddenly and without any preparation.

A pained wail escaped Aiichirou’s throat when he adjusted his position on his bed. The earlier night, the two of them had gone to sleep, each in their own beds like they always did. Rin had gotten up in the morning just like he had done every morning by far. The only thing that implied that everything wasn’t entirely ordinary in their daily life as roommates was that Aiichirou couldn’t leave his bed.

”Aren’t you going to get up?” Rin asked, picking up his school bag. He was already fully dressed and about to leave for the first lesson.  
”I don’t actually think I can”, Aiichirou said with a choked voice.  
Rin frowned. ”How come?”

Aiichirou sighed heavily and looked at Rin over the handrail of the top bunk. There was a painful expression on his face, accompanied by bright red embarrassment.

”Oh.” Rin ran his hand through his red hair. A hint of concern flashed in his demeanor, but mostly he just seemed to consider the situation awkward.

”You should probably text someone to tell your teacher that you’re sick.”

Rin already started walking towards the door, but Aiichirou stopped him with a hasty outcry. ”S-senpai!”  
Rin stopped. ”What? I’m going to be late.”

The boy lying on the bed fiddled the sheets with his fingertips. ”I just want you to know I... I liked it. Even though it hurt.”

Rin didn’t react. They both just remained silent for a few long, uncomfortable seconds.

Aiichirou gathered his courage to continue. ”I was just thinking... Do you think you could maybe... prepare me a bit next time?”

Aiichirou held his breath after the question. He couldn’t see Rin’s face, but the heavy silence told a tale.

”Don’t assume there’ll be a next time”, Rin finally mumbled.

When Rin walked out of their room without looking back, Aiichirou felt sick. With letting his stupid, selfish desire rule over him, had he managed to completely ruin their friendship?

*

For a few days, things were pretty normal between Aiichirou and Rin – although only on the surface. When comparing to their usual behavior around each other, their interactions were now oddly formal and laconic.

Rin didn’t speak much. If Aiichirou asked him about something, Rin’s answers were short and pithy – not downright unfriendly, not anything worse than his usual general grumpiness, but there was some strange new undertone to it. Aiichirou was afraid that his senpai was mad at him for making things weird. Instinctively, he started to be careful with what he said when Rin was around to avoid irritating him any more.

Other than that, Aiichirou couldn’t figure out what to do. He had a vague feeling of guilt. When the days went by, his fear that he had ruined a good friendship with his selfishness grew bigger and bigger. He wished he could just talk it over with Rin, but something about the red haired boy’s demeanor was so cold and evasively hostile that he didn’t dare to open the discussion.

What was done was done. It would have been meaningless to try to pretend they hadn’t had sex. Besides, although Aiichirou had expressed his interest verbally, Rin had been the one to make the first move physically. Now his behavior implied that he had regrets about it, though. Aiichirou wasn’t sure how to go on from here. Could he make things go back to normal? Could he get rid of the awkwardness between them? How?

He wasn’t even sure of how Rin had interpreted Aiichirou’s words. How did he see him now? Surely it felt uncomfortable to share a room with a boy who had a crush on him. Or was Rin even aware it was a crush? The younger boy had actually only spoken about physical desire and nothing more.

Maybe that was for the better. He should make Rin believe that there were no feelings. Something told him that to Rin, a momentary bodily lust would be a lesser problem to deal with than an emotional affection would be. Aiichirou could act as if one shag had taken care of the problem and everything would go back to normal between them.

Except that Aiichirou was still in love. But that shouldn’t be Rin’s problem.

He didn’t want to lose Rin. If the other boy didn’t want to date him or even have him as a sex partner, Aiichirou wanted to at least keep their friendship, no matter what.

*

Finally, exactly a week after the time when a certain ab exercise had turned into a pelvic exercise in the middle and made everything messier, the situation changed.

It was an early night. Aiichirou was in their bathroom showering, just about to finish, when Rin walked in.

”S-senpai”, Aiichirou gasped. ”I’m still in the shower –”  
”I know”, Rin interrupted and pulled his shirt off.

Aiichirou fell silent and could only stare wide-eyed as Rin undressed himself without a second’s hesitation, and stepped boldly into the shower stall. Rin leaned his hand on the wall just above Aiichirou’s shoulder, leaving him trapped between Rin and the wall.

Rin paid no attention to the running water hitting his body; he just kept his eyes on Aiichirou. There was something very rough, very intense in his gaze. The water ran on the red hair, gluing it onto his neck. From the hair, the water went on, falling downwards along the muscled body.

Without really thinking, Aiichirou followed the water drops with his eyes. Down below, he met a view that made his head dizzy. Rin was already hard. Seeing that made Aiichirou’s mind go blurry and his body to react instantly. He gasped silently.

Without a word, Rin turned the shorter boy around and pressed him against the cold tiles of the bathroom walls.  
”I’m borrowing your shampoo”, Rin grunted into Aiichirou’s ear with a deep, sexy voice.

A moment later, Aiichirou’s moaning bounced around the bathroom walls way too loudly, probably also carrying to the neighbor rooms, when Rin’s long, impatient and shampoo-slicked fingers moved inside him.

Aiichirou tried to get a hold of something, but his hands kept slipping on the wet wall. His head was spinning. He could barely fit into his head that Matsuoka Rin had just marched to him into the shower stall without asking permission, and was now using his fingers on him in a way that almost made his knees cave in.

Then Rin’s other hand appeared on Aiichirou’s front side and wrapped around his painfully stiff dick. Aiichirou cried out. ”Ah! Senpai, I –!”  
”Enough?” Rin asked with a raspy, out-of-breath voice that Aiichirou would remember for the rest of his life.

Aiichirou knew he wasn’t stretched enough, he knew it – but behind him was possibly the sexiest man in the universe as he knew it, the man he desired more than anything, grinding his behind, his dick hot and hard and pressing against him. He wasn’t going to make him wait.

The second time didn’t hurt that much. But the grip on Aiichirou’s hips was still the same, still as dominant, and the breathless groans right beside Aiichirou’s ear made shivers run down his spine, just like the time before.

*

”I thought there wasn’t going to be a next time”, Aiichirou said afterwards, when he stepped out of the shower with flushed cheeks and weak knees.  
”Don’t let it go into your head”, Rin immediately warned him.  
”No, senpai.”

Rin picked up the clothes he had worn earlier and dropped them into the laundry basket already bursting with unwashed clothes. He was quiet for a while. Aiichirou could sense that something was coming, something important.

”Because if it doesn’t go into your head”, Rin finally said, ”and if this stays – I don’t know, casual, harmless – then it might not be an impossible idea to keep doing this.”

Aiichirou’s heart skipped a beat.

However, on the next second he realized that unlike in his imagination, Rin probably didn’t want a _relationship_ between them. Rin was just referring to sex. At that same moment, Aiichirou remembered his decision not to have his crush cost him a friendship this important.

But he did have a chance to be close to Rin, again, _keep doing this_ , as Rin had said. And if he had to choose if he wanted a distant, possibly awkward roommate relationship with Rin or an opportunity to have frequent sex with him... Well, the decision wasn’t difficult in the slightest.

 _If it doesn’t go to your head_ , Rin had said. Aiichirou wouldn’t let his attraction take over. He would play this cool.

”Yes, senpai”, he said. ”I’m okay with that.”


	2. "I’m just keeping my privacy."

Over the next few weeks, Rin’s harsh manners slowly started to melt, bit by bit.

In the club practice, his behavior didn’t change radically. His attitude towards swimming was still as passionate and determined and he didn’t let anything distract himself from it. While the club practiced, Rin didn’t pay any more attention to Aiichirou than he did to the rest of the team. But even when seeing Rin’s firm demeanor and hearing his strict words, Aiichirou often couldn’t help slipping into thinking of what the relationship between the two of them was like when they were alone.

Behind the closed door, Rin was an entirely different person. After these last weeks, he was still undeniably the one to take the lead and he still liked to be impulsive. But there was a huge contrast to the first times. He had become more deliberate, gentle even. It had taken Aiichirou by surprise. He had fully braced himself that in this unusual mixture of a friendship and a sex affair, both of them would mostly be pursuing their own pleasure rather coldly and egoistically.

Now that he was getting to know more about Aiichirou’s body, Rin was surprisingly considerate. It was almost like he was trying to pay back for his earlier roughness. He had quickly learned what made the pitch of Aiichirou’s voice go higher and what made his toes curl, and he seemed to have grown to enjoy using that information. Even though Rin didn’t have feelings for him, Aiichirou’s pleasure was something he had started to pay incredibly profound attention for. He’d make sure Aiichirou was ready and willing and feeling good, before he’d push him against a mattress, or a desk, or a shower stall, and fucked him thoroughly.

And it wasn’t just the sex. Their friendship was in the same state as it had been, if not in a better one. Aiichirou, who was even more cheerful and chattery than before, managed to get on Rin’s nerves every once in a while, but that was nothing new. Besides, Rin was generally in a better mood now, too. In school and on their leisure time, when Rin was talking with his friends, there was a new kind of gleam in him that Aiichirou liked to rest his eyes on. It seemed that the hot-tempered redhead had gotten over some kind of tenseness that had kept a hold of him ever since their first time. His whole demeanor was more relaxed.

Aiichirou didn’t want to fully give in to his hopes, but he couldn’t help thinking that maybe his influence on Rin was stronger than Rin realized.

A smile caught on Aiichirou’s face way too easily every time he saw Rin laughing.

So when one thing led to another again and again, be it a long-lasting, teasing session in their own room or a risk-driven quickie at the locker rooms, Aiichirou couldn’t find anything to complain about in his life.

*

One day when the team went back to the locker rooms together after a practice, accompanied by loud, cheerful joking, Mikoshiba Seijuurou asked directly: ”Am I imagining things, Matsuoka, or have you been in a good mood more often lately?”  
Rin shrugged indifferently, but Seijuurou didn’t let it go. He gave Rin’s arm a light, teasing punch. ”It seems like someone’s gotten laid.”

Aiichirou’s eyes shot towards Rin and Seijuurou and skimmed off again. He felt himself turning bright red and quickly buried his head into his towel, pretending to dry his hair frantically. He knew that Seijuurou’s jokes were just him being his usual self, but his joke was dangerously close to truth. It _was_ the truth.

Rin didn’t flinch. He just raised his eyebrows at Seijuurou. ”What makes you think so?”  
Seijuurou laughed loudly and threw an arm around Rin’s shoulders, catching him into a rough half-hug. ”I know my team members! You have the typical ‘I just found out I’m a sex god’ aura. Come on, Matsuoka, details! Who’s the lucky person?”  
”I don’t think it’s even remotely your business, Captain”, Rin grouched, wriggling out of Seijuurou’s grip.  
”So there _is_ someone?”

The rest of the team got interested in the topic too and tried to incite Rin into spilling the beans, but he just laughed at the whole thing and stubbornly refused to say anything. Aiichirou got dressed in a remarkable speed. He tried to maintain a smile in case someone took a look at him, as if he was amused by the conversation, too.

By Rin’s third ”it’s not your business”, Aiichirou had gathered all his belongings. ”Thank you for the practice”, he said out of habit. ”I’ll just be leaving, then –”  
”Nitori must know”, Uozumi Takuya suddenly figured. ”You’re flatmates. Who is Matsuoka fooling around with?”  
Aiichirou froze still. ”I – don’t –”  
”Stop bugging Nitori”, Rin said sharply. His tone had changed; he didn’t seem as amused anymore. ”Let it go already.”

The others could tell Rin would soon have no sense of humor left, so the topic naturally faded into the next one with light jokes.

Just before leaving, Aiichirou glanced at Rin. Rin wasn’t paying him any attention. Not even looking at his way.

Aiichirou pushed the door open swiftly and left, almost running.

*

Aiichirou didn’t have that many minutes to calm down alone in his room, before Rin came in, too.

”Before you say anything”, Aiichirou hurried to say, ”I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I’ll just have you know that I don’t care what you tell the others – I completely understand that you want to keep this hidden, you know, we don’t exactly have the most ordinary... _thing_ here...”

Aiichirou’s words faded. The way Rin was looking at him made his mind go blank. He had expected Rin to be irritated because of the awkward conversation, but Rin’s expression was actually cautious. Almost... concerned. As if he wanted to ask if Aiichirou was alright. As if he cared.

Aiichirou blinked rapidly. That simple, yet so powerful gaze took his breath away.

He uttered an insecure laugh – he couldn’t hide the sadness of it – and hanged his head.  
”I’m probably not someone you want to boast about”, he added quietly. Words strangled him, but he had to say them, had to tell Rin he didn’t think that highly of himself.

Rin sighed heavily and sat on his bed. ”I just don’t want to gossip about everything I do”, he said tensely. ”That’s why I didn’t tell them anything. I’m not purposefully hiding you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m just keeping my privacy.”

Aiichirou raised his head again. Rin met his gaze with a frown. Aiichirou had learned to notice the smallest differences in Rin’s expressions, and that one wasn’t an ill-tempered one, but an intent one. Rin just wanted to make his opinion clear. There was a sudden rush in Aiichirou’s ears; a small warm feeling appeared inside Aiichirou’s chest.

”Besides”, Rin said quietly, ”I don’t want anyone to tease my friends. At the end of the day, you are my friend.”

Suddenly Aiichirou’s whole mind felt very foggy and mellow.

Earlier, Rin had told him to keep his feet on the ground, but this wasn’t exactly making it easier. Rin may have used just the word ‘friend’, nothing even close to ‘partner’ or ‘lover’, but he cared nonetheless. Aiichirou swallowed and turned to look away from Rin to escape from what looking at his face made him feel. But the steady, concerned gaze was already burned into his mind and it wasn’t anything he could easily forget.

He knew he couldn’t afford letting his emotions roam into one direction at one second and into another one the next. Just a minute ago he had stood in this room alone persistently reminding himself that even if Rin was more friendly now and even if Aiichirou had gotten used to having him physically close very often, he couldn’t let those things go into his head.

Now, because of Rin’s words and expression, he wanted nothing more than to walk to him, sink his fingers into the red hair and kiss Rin deeply, thoroughly.

There had never been kisses between them. Not once, not on the mouth. They had never really made an agreement on it, but it wasn’t needed, anyway. Aiichirou felt that as long as they were just friends with benefits, he had no right to kiss Rin’s lips. Even though they were already used to being nude and uncovered in front of each other in a physical way, kissing would’ve been way more personal somehow. It seemed like a mutual thought, because Rin also avoided mouth contact.

But on the other hand, Aiichirou thought, they had no problem kissing each other on any other parts of their bodies.

So he let his feet take the steps they had so keenly anticipated.

Rin let himself be pushed onto his back on the bed. Aiichirou sat astride on Rin’s thighs and shoved Rin’s shirt up onto his chest. In this lying position, Rin’s skin was stretched over his tight abs particularly gorgeously. When the smaller boy leaned over the bare skin, a memory from a few weeks ago flashed in his mind: the workout session and his thoughts, repeatedly slipping into fantasizing. Back then, all he could do was imagine how it felt to put his mouth on Rin’s flawless body.

Focusing on every second, savoring them, Aiichirou lowered his lips onto Rin’s upper stomach. Rin exhaled with a quiet hum.

Just like he had imagined himself doing, Aiichirou ran his lips across Rin’s skin – it just happened to feel even more intense in reality than in his imagination. He could feel Rin’s muscles quiver as he breathed shallowly.

Tongue touched the skin, and Rin exhaled heavily. He was reacting fast.

Aiichirou shifted downwards until he was sitting closer to Rin’s knees and then continued what he was doing on Rin’s body. He concentrated on listening to Rin’s breathing, as his tongue followed the small valleys between the muscles. When his tongue stopped to dip into Rin’s navel, the whole pelvis underneath him twitched.

”Not exactly what I expected”, Rin said in a restrained tone.  
”What did you expect?” Aiichirou mumbled, lips against Rin’s lower belly, fingers joining in somewhere around Rin’s hipbones.  
”I thought you’d be upset”, Rin said, trying to keep his hips pressed against the mattress to prevent himself from pushing against Aiichirou. ”I thought you’d like to... I don’t know, talk or something.”  
”I don’t”, Aiichirou said shortly.

It was foolish to cling on to hope where there barely was any. All that he could do was make the most of his time with Rin.

Between Rin’s hipbones and crotch, there were two perfect passageways for two sets of fingertips; the drastic curves of the hipbones made the waistband of Rin’s pants strain deliciously, creating inviting hollows into what lay downwards. Aiichirou’s fingers sneaked in there, hooking on the waistband.

From the corner of his eye, Aiichirou could see Rin’s hands fumbling for a grip on the sheets and then clenching. Just as Rin has learned to play with Aiichirou’s weaknesses, Aiichirou had also learned to recognize the small gestures that indicated that Rin was enjoying himself. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was going to do next, but Rin’s visible reactions made him feel daring.

They had had sex so many times already, and Aiichirou had learned things he hadn’t had any idea of, about both Rin’s body and his own. Each time had been better than the time before. Their first times had been too rough and impatient, but in all his inexperience, Aiichirou hadn’t complained. Besides, the mere idea of Rin being with him had been a turn-on big enough to please him. It wasn’t until just lately that he started to realize that the first times had been nothing compared to real pleasure. 

But this was something Aiichirou had never done. He yanked Rin’s pants and underwear down and carefully took Rin’s half-erect cock into his hand. He leaned over, inching closer – he felt Rin twitching slightly and becoming harder in his hand – before he suddenly stopped.

He glanced at Rin, not straightening up, not taking his hand off, just looking up at Rin with his mouth only an inch away from his erection.”You don’t mind, do you?” he asked warily.

Rin panted – the sight of Aiichirou’s bent body combined with the submissive look on his face was incredibly arousing. Rin shoved his fingers into his own hair in frustration. ”Does it look like I mind?”

When Aiichirou slid his mouth down Rin’s length for the first time ever, a low sound erupted from Rin’s throat. It was more like very content growling than proper moaning. Aiichirou twisted his tongue experimentally once, twice.

”Hnnhh – I’d rather ask why we haven’t done this before”, Rin gasped.  
Aiichirou let Rin softly slide out of his mouth. ”Because I wasn’t sure about how I’m supposed to do this”, he said timidly. ”I’m still not.”  
”Doesn’t seem like that”, said Rin, squirming slightly at the loss of the mouth on his prick. ”Feels damn good.”  
”I’m glad.” Aiichirou smiled to himself, but hid it by running his tongue on the underside of Rin’s penis in one long, lingering lick. After a second of hesitation, he mumbled against the skin: ”I have wanted to do this for a long time. For longer than you’d think.”

Rin’s closed eyes opened and met Aiichirou’s. There was a foggy, aroused glow in those eyes. Aiichirou wanted to see more of it. He only held the penis on his hand and twirled his thumb gently over the tip of it, smearing the precum. Rin’s eyes flickered shut again.

Encouraged, Aiichirou lowered his head again and took Rin as deep into his mouth as he could. He could barely fit half of the stiff prick in before he felt a faint sign of gagging reflex; it would be better to pull back a bit. While his mouth moved back an inch or so, his front teeth accidentally brushed against Rin. Rin hissed immediately. ”Watch it with the teeth.”

Aiichirou instinctively wanted to apologize, but with a mouth full of Rin, he couldn’t do anything but open his jaws wider and twirl his tongue against Rin’s dick, hoping it would make Rin forget about the teeth and focus on the pleasure.

It worked. Too well. Rin moaned and with an involuntarily jerk of his hips, shoved deeper into Aiichirou’s mouth. Aiichirou broke away instantly, gagging and coughing.  
”Watch it with the hips”, he winced.  
”Sorry”, Rin panted. ”It just feels so...”

He looked at Aiichirou with an expression he had never seen before. His cheeks were burning and there was an almost desperate gleam in his eyes.

”Keep going. Please.”

Rin’s begging eyes and the soft, almost moan-like words made Aiichirou’s breath hitch for a second. Suddenly he realized that even though Rin had always been the one in charge in their times together, the power was in fact in Aiichirou’s hands now. The thought that Rin was actually _begging_ him for something was intoxicating.

Groggy repetition of _yes_ and _haah_ flowed from Rin’s mouth when Aiichirou kept going, eventually followed by a bunch of repressed swearwords and an occasional _oh God, Nitori_.

Aiichirou loved every moment, loved every sound that came from Rin’s mouth. Rin always made a little bit of noise when they had sex, but he had never sounded so helpless. Never before had Aiichirou made Rin whimper like this.

Aiichirou slid his free hand up Rin’s hip and onto his stomach. The felt the abs cramping uncontrollably under his fingers.

The fingers of Rin’s other hand entwined with silver hair and the other hand clang onto a pillow; Rin had pulled it from under his head and squeezed it like it was going to save his life. He buried half of his flushed face into the pillow. He was squirming above the hips, trying to keep his lower body in place but unable to control the rest of his body. His cock in Aiichirou’s mouth grew harder, and Aiichirou registered a rougher pull on his hair, before Rin came.

Aiichirou let Rin ride the waves of his orgasm inside of his mouth. Gradually Rin’s spasms subsided and his grip on Aiichirou’s hair started to loosen. The desperate squeezing and tugging on the hair – rough in just the right way, Aiichirou had decided somewhere along the way – turned into gentle brushing of fingertips. Aiichirou absently wondered if Rin even realized that he was practically caressing him.

Then, when starting to remove his mouth from Rin’s prick, Aiichirou realized he hadn’t actually thought this through. Trying not to spill anything out, he straightened up and looked at Rin with wide eyes.  
”Ho I hafe huh hwallow?” he managed to say even with his mouth full of liquid.

Rin looked at Aiichirou and just blinked; he was still pretty foggy. Then he registered the situation – and cracked into laughter. It wasn’t a mean laughter, not the kind that would’ve made Aiichirou feel stupid. It sounded happy and exhausted and glorious.  
”Go spit it out if you want to”, Rin chortled.

Thankfully, Aiichirou dashed to the bathroom to spit the cum into the sink and rinse his mouth with water. Not that the taste of Rin was particularly unpleasant. But he didn’t really want to keep the strange salty taste in his mouth, either.

When he came back to Rin, the boy was still lying flat on his back in the same position, though he had bothered to pull his pants back up.

”I’ll... swallow next time”, Aiichirou promised, somewhat embarrassed.  
Rin turned to look at him, wrinkles of laughter forming around his eyes. ”You don’t have to”, he laughed. ”You really don’t. And don’t be embarrassed. This was fun.”

Rin’s laughter was contagious. Aiichirou sat down to the foot of Rin’s bed, snickering into his palm. ”Happy doing business with you.”

It was such an absurdly formal thing to say in a situation like this and Rin was still so filled with a post-orgasmic exhaustion and euphoria, he started to laugh again.

Aiichirou laughed along. He laughed at them and at himself and at how ridiculously proud of himself he was for making Rin into such a mess. He laughed at how insanely _cute_ Rin was in that state. He laughed out loud to overpower the voice that was speaking in the back of his mind: _do not fall in love with him more. Just don’t._


	3. "You don’t owe me anything."

Aiichirou had gotten used to how gentle Rin had become lately, compared to how he had been. That’s why he startled a little one day when Rin was suddenly rough. It was after they came back from a shopping trip; right after the door was closed after them, Rin pushed him against a wall and began ripping his clothes off.

Not that Aiichirou had anything to complain about. An era of less aggressive sex had been a welcomed change; it had allowed them to get to know each other’s bodies better and really built a certain sexual chemistry between them. However, Rin’s dominant moves were so electrifying, so very _Rin_ , that there was no way it wasn’t going to arouse Aiichirou right away. The bags he had been carrying fell from his hands, their contents scattering on the floor. His hands were in much better use on Rin’s body.

”W-what’s with you, senpai”, Aiichirou gasped, not sounding even the least bit displeased.

Rin didn’t answer, but shoved the fingers of his left hand into Aiichirou’s hair, entangling with them. Aiichirou moaned in pleased surprise when he felt Rin pull his hair. He bent his neck along with the pull.

The next second, Rin had sunk his teeth into his exposed throat. A severe shiver washed over Aiichirou, followed by a burst of pleasure. The teeth were digging into him, hurting him, controlling him. And damn, did it feel amazing.

The bite sent jolts into Aiichirou’s whole body and his own fingernails dug into Rin’s upper body involuntarily. Rin’s free hand moved behind Aiichirou onto his bottom.

Aiichirou felt completely dominated; a concept that should’ve bothered him morally – he was, after all, also a man and had an instinctive crave for the feeling of being in charge every once in a while. But apparently what he craved even more was the opposite. Sexual submission was nothing but a huge turn-on to him.

Then the teeth and the pull of the hair were gone, but Rin’s strong body was still pushing Aiichirou against the wall.

In the next moments, Rin made Aiichirou almost forget his name, let alone the ability to think there was anything different about Rin today.

*

Sometimes Aiichirou stopped to think _why_ Rin in fact attracted him the way he did. In the very beginning, when Rin had just moved back from Australia and Aiichirou had seen him for the first time after that, it had been pure physical attraction. Rin was gorgeous. As a swimmer, Aiichirou was used to seeing well-trained bodies of young men around him, but there was something totally different about Rin. His body was top notch, his footsteps were pure confidence and his swimming was a sight to see.

And there was an aura of coolness around him – an fascinating impenetrable shell. But the longer Aiichirou had known Rin, the more he had gotten glimpses under that shell and gotten hooked to what was beneath. Rin appeared tough and aggressive and tended to snarl rather than speak. At the moment, preparing for the swimming tournament added into his tenseness.

There were other sides in him if you looked closer, though. One had to know Rin well enough to be able to read between his lines. Rin didn’t compliment people often, but when he did, he meant it. Aiichirou would have taken one nice word from Rin instead of thousand praises from the rest of the swim club any day.

And Rin was a lot more sensitive than he pretended to be. Aiichirou was careful not to say anything about it aloud, though, because he knew Rin would never ever admit it. Seeing that side of Rin every now and then somehow made Aiichirou happy.

There were moments when Rin let his arrogance and stubbornness fall. Such as that one evening, a little before the tournament, when the vending machine was the only source of light in the darkness around them; Rin would suddenly speak quietly about his father, about himself, and Aiichirou almost didn’t dare to breath because he was afraid Rin would stop.

In the same time there was a fire in Rin, a fire that lashed out in seconds; there were parts in him that he couldn’t untangle. Such as the tangle called Nanase Haruka.

Haru was indeed an incredible swimmer and a tough opponent to Rin, but Aiichirou was still taken aback by the hidden ardor between the passionate red head and the cool quiet boy. Rin was always in his element when he got to prove his skills as a swimmer. Something about Haru was different; he made Rin flare like nobody else did.

Aiichirou had sure been able to deduce something by the way Rin had scowled at Haru in the joint practice ages ago. He had also clearly noticed how quick Rin was to harshly criticize the Iwatobi team. But still, Aiichirou hadn’t expected Rin to change _that_ much when it came to Haru. The same light of the vending machine, soft and comforting a second ago, was suddenly cold and sharp, when Rin’s mouth formed Haru’s name in an angry hiss.

Aiichirou didn’t know what exactly was going on, but he understood that it was important. So he squeezed the can in his hands and carefully listened to the tones in Rin’s voice.

*

For once, a genuine smile lit up on Rin’s face when Aiichirou congratulated him on the victory in the tournament. That smile was breathtaking and full of life and made Aiichirou’s heart flutter recklessly. He barely managed to push Rin out of his mind for long enough to concentrate on his own race.

Aiichirou, like many others, had expected the victory to clear Rin’s complicated mind a little. But things weren’t that simple.

The eye contact was piercing between Rin and Haru right before Haru dove into the pool and swam their team to victory in the relay.

Aiichirou could see it. Rin’s eyes were flaring again.

*

The evening after the tournament, Aiichirou was exhausted, so he was happy to get into the dormitory and his familiar room. But Rin only visited the room briefly, leaving his belongings in there and disappearing again. He stayed away for a long time.

Aiichirou tried not to think about it. He tried to concentrate on finishing the homework he had postponed due to the tournament – a habit that seemed to be getting worse the further the school year and the thing with Rin progressed. His thoughts kept going back to the red haired boy, though.

Honestly, he was worried, even though he couldn’t quite specify why. Rin had quite the temper. He had been in an extra bad mood today. Aiichirou hoped Rin wasn’t doing something stupid.

Finally a key was turned in the lock. Aiichirou’s gaze bounced to the door as his roommate stepped in.

Rin still looked cranky, but with a heavy shade of exhaustion over him. From his tired appearance and the sweat on his body Aiichirou guessed Rin had been running to relieve his frustration. He wondered how Rin had the strength to do that after the last few days.

Rin went straight to take a shower. Aiichirou fumbled with a pen in his hand absentmindedly until he realized how stupid he had been when he had thought he’d be able to finish homework this late. A voice in the back of his head stung him nastily, asking when Rin’s doings had begun to affect him this much. He had meant to try reducing the size of his crush. Was this how he aimed to do so? A slightest worry about Rin, and he decided to forget about everything else?

Aiichirou pushed away both the thought and his school books.

When Rin got out of the shower, Aiichirou got up to stand next to his desk. He tried to sound airy as he asked: ”A rough jog, huh?”  
”Mm”, grunted Rin, clad only in a towel hanging on his hips. He glanced at the abandoned homework lying on Aiichirou’s desk, but he didn’t say anything.

”It seems to annoy you that Nanase-san’s team won the relay”, Aiichirou said cautiously.

The second Rin’s scowl hit him, Aiichirou knew bringing the topic up had been a mistake.  
New irritation rose in Rin. ”Do we _have_ to talk about Haru”, he snapped, turning to rummage his closet for clothes.  
”Of course not”, Aiichirou said quickly.

A new topic was not that easy to come up with, though. Strained silence fell. Rin got dressed in sweatpants, but before he would take a shirt, he stopped.

”Listen”, he said awkwardly. ”I’m sorry I’m being so cranky. Haru is...”

Heart a little warm from the apology, Aiichirou waited for the sentence to end. It didn’t.

”Haru is?” he finally asked carefully, not entirely sure if trying to continue the conversation was wise or not.  
”Different”, Rin said.

Aiichirou wasn’t sure if he understood, but on the other hand, he could guess this was one of those things no-one else but Rin and possibly Haru could understand.

”You don’t owe me anything”, Aiichirou said quietly. That was a fact that undoubtedly felt much colder to him than it did to Rin. ”You’re not obliged to apologize.”  
”I guess.” Rin seemed to become a little less angry. ”But I am, anyway.”

Aiichirou held back a content sigh. Rin was hot-tempered and troubled and impossible. All that aside, even the smallest positive thing Rin did always made Aiichirou feel very light-headed. The ray of hope that was stubbornly living in the back of his mind was hard to ignore.

He had jumped into this friends with benefits thing knowing all too well that nothing deeper was not to be expected. He had thought his crush would eventually pass. For a while he had managed to take things as they were, constantly reminding himself that the rules were rules. No unnecessary touching, except while having sex. No displays of affection. No feelings. He knew it all.

But. There was always the _but_.

Aiichirou woke up from his thoughts when Rin took a few light footsteps towards him, with the slightest sway of his hips. Suddenly he couldn’t pay attention to anything besides how low the sweatpants hung on Rin’s shirtless body.

”Will you help me get into a better mood?” Rin asked with a low voice, staring into Aiichirou’s eyes intently.  
Aiichirou felt dizzy. ”Of course”, he said. His voice was hoarse.

The next moment was quick and unforeseeable; Aiichirou barely had time to think, before Rin shoved him onto his bed and dropped down on top of him. Aiichirou’s body reacted without thinking, though; its automatic response ton Rin was always a ‘yes’.

Rin was impatient and heavy-handed, but that didn’t bother Aiichirou. This dominant and assertive version of Rin was excruciatingly sexy. Maybe Rin’s temper wasn’t that bad thing, in the end. Not if it led to this.

Aiichirou was already panting, when his pants were pulled down. Rin left his own pants on and turned Aiichirou easily onto his stomach. Then he pressed against him with his whole body, just grinding against him. The thin fabric of Rin’s sweatpants didn’t conceal much. Aiichirou felt Rin’s growing hardness as Rin rolled his hips.

Rin reached out to fish the lube from under his mattress, where it was always kept in these days. He lowered his pants and spread the cool gel on his cock with eager strokes, but didn’t bother to do anything to Aiichirou before starting to push into him. Aiichirou grimaced. Sure, he was more used to this by now, but on the other hand, he was precisely accustomed to being prepared properly before this point.  
”Senpai”, he winced. ”Slower...”  
”Sorry”, Rin said quietly. He slowed down but didn’t stop.

The unpleasant feeling passed eventually. Aiichirou knew Rin didn’t want to hurt him on purpose. Besides, he wanted to cut Rin some slack today; it had been a tough day and even if Rin pretended to be fine, he had been upset. If Aiichirou could do anything to make Rin feel better, he was more than happy to oblige.

The pace was rough from the very first thrusts. Rin leaned his hand on Aiichirou’s upper back and pressed him against the mattress, using his other hand to hold the hips beneath him in a familiar, but unusually tight grip. Aiichirou gasped aloud; he was pinned down so tightly his chest had barely enough room to expand when he breathed, but he didn’t care. His voice muffled by the mattress, he took what Rin wanted to give him.

The smaller body rubbed against the sheet with every furious push. He would have probably slid up the bed, had Rin not kept his grip on him.

Aiichirou turned his head just enough to be able to look over his shoulder and see Rin’s face. Rin’s eyes were barely open, but they were flaring.

Suddenly Aiichirou’s chest was struck by an ice cold feeling.

Rin came soon, shaking and cursing. It took forever before the spasm of his orgasm passed. Exhausted, he could just pull himself out of the other body, but that was the limit of his strength; he collapsed over Aiichirou.

”You’re heavy”, Aiichirou complained and squirmed so that some of Rin’s weight fell next to him instead of on top of him. One of Rin’s arms stayed wrapped around Aiichirou and his face pressed against the slender shoulder.  
Rin paid no attention to the change of his position. He laid there eyes closed, still breathing heavily. ”Hngh, I – sorry”, he managed to say. ”You haven’t yet...”  
”It’s okay”, Aiichirou said hastily.  
Rin made a feeble attempt at shaking his head. ”I... I don’t want to be selfish...”

Rin seemed completely worn out. It was not usual for him to be this exhausted after sex. But when Aiichirou came to think of it, poor Rin had had a few long days, physically and mentally, he had went for a run to blow off some steam, and right after that, spent all of his remaining energy to particularly rough sex. No wonder he needed some recharge.

”Sleep if you need to”, Aiichirou said with a slightly too soft voice. ”It doesn’t bother me.”  
”Are you sure?” Rin mumbled. He appeared to be half-asleep already.  
”I am.”  
Rin fell asleep the next second.

Aiichirou lied motionless for a long time, listening to the silent ticking of a clock on their wall and to Rin’s calm breathing. Skipping the sexual fulfillment really didn’t bother him one bit. It was natural that sometimes things went differently and the attention wasn’t always divided equally.

Besides, right now, even though he felt like he was pretty much mentally beaten up, he would only concentrate on Rin’s arm around him. He didn’t want the setting to change into any direction, not now that Rin was lying so close to him, practically holding him in his arms.

Situations like this were rare, really rare. There was never extra proximity between them in normal circumstances, and Aiichirou had learned to suppress his urge to touch, to pet, to be close. Now Rin was in an unconscious state and didn’t realize he was holding Aiichirou. Aiichirou stayed like that on purpose. Waves of soft pleasure moved tenderly inside of him, even though he had no permission to this.

Careful not to wake Rin up, Aiichirou moved. He pulled Rin’s blanket over the both of them and turned discreetly onto his side, facing Rin. His eyes rest on the sleeping face. He had never been this close to Rin in this way, able to count each long eyelash.

A sharp pain twinged in Aiichirou’s chest when he remembered what those closed eyes had looked like just a moment ago. Aiichirou could have explained himself that he had imagined it. That he could not have seen right, not in the middle of movement and passion. However, something inside of him strongly disagreed; he knew what he had seen.

Rin’s eyes had flared in the way they did only in certain occasions. They flared exactly the same way they had already flared earlier today.

Around Haru.

The thought made Aiichirou feel almost physically nauseous.

He couldn’t help his thoughts from running, even though each second of thinking about it shattered his heart into smaller and smaller pieces. The last time Rin had been this rough had been after they had just gotten back from a shopping trip. On that trip, Rin had disappeared for a while, and when Aiichirou had finally found the restless and agitated guy, he had heard that Rin had run into Haru.

A clear image started to form in Aiichirou’s mind. He was afraid that if he let himself think about it, it would become more real. That image stated that Rin had his reasons to keep the relationship between the two roommates casual, no strings attached. Aiichirou did not know what was really going on between the rivals, but there was something. Something impossible to explain, but also impossible to deny. Magnetism.

Aiichirou’s eyes squeezed shut. Hot tears forced their way out from between his eyelids. In this situation, ‘friends with benefits’ had possibly been the stupidest thing he could have gotten involved in.

The blanket felt incredibly heavy.  
Everything felt heavy.

But. There was always the _but_.

Even now, when horrible thoughts threatened to take over Aiichirou’s mind and he suddenly felt like he was the smallest and most insignificant person in the world, Rin’s arm around him was still very warm and real. Being this close brought him comfort, even though that didn’t make any sense. Aiichirou almost felt like he was taking advantage of Rin.

 _Aren’t we even, then_ , a small disgusting voice in the back of his mind said.

Aiichirou suppressed a sob and opened his eyes to look at Rin.

Holding his breath, he brought his hand slowly, so slowly onto Rin’s cheek. The skin felt softer under his fingers than he had expected. He brushed aside the red hair that had fallen onto Rin’s face. Rin sighed in his sleep, but showed no sign of waking up.

Aiichirou’s heart pounded when he silently leaned closer and pressed his trembling lips on Rin’s forehead.

Then he quietly pulled back. He knew he wasn’t supposed to stay next to Rin. Away from Rin’s arms, away from under the heavy blanket, away from the closeness that felt so good that it hurt. That was precisely his problem; the thing he was so fascinated by and addicted to, also made him sick.

Aiichirou climbed to the top bunk as if there was nothing extraordinary about this night.

His own blanket felt just as heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I do hate myself for this, thank you very much


	4. "Are you tired of me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, then. I took a perfect cinnamon roll and made a twisted little sinner out of him. Not sure if I should be excited or ashamed. I’m kinda both.

Rin had often been moody and elusive earlier, but after the tournament he was almost completely impossible to talk to. Aiichirou tried his best to cheer him up, but none of the words he said made any difference. Rin spent a lot of time alone with his thoughts. When he was with other people, he was quiet or absent-minded, or even more irritable than before.

Those weren’t easy times for Aiichirou either, but his own worries seemed unimportant right now. Day after day he listened to Rin’s silence and saw clearly how bad Rin felt. He almost started to miss Rin’s impatient snapping and the way he had often rolled his eyes at his roommate. Anything was better than this.

So when Rin sometimes barked at him or spoke in particularly harsh manner, Aiichirou accepted it. He could not say he enjoyed being yelled at, but at least it was a reaction. Besides, he couldn’t take offense of what Rin said. It was clear that there were lots of things in Rin’s mind right now and that he couldn’t deal with them by himself, but he refused to let anyone help him. Aiichirou could only guess what kind of burdens Rin was carrying all alone.

A big part of this was Haru. It was obvious. Aiichirou just tried his best not to think about it. He wanted to handle all of this without getting tangled in his own jealousy.

More than Rin’s moodiness, Aiichirou was bugged by the fact that he couldn’t do anything to help. A person who was important to him in so many ways was suffering. Each day he got more and more eager to be there for Rin, to listen to him. He wanted to understand.

”I want to be able to help”, Aiichirou said it straight once. He had spent a long time gathering courage to say it.  
”What are you talking about?” Rin frowned at him.  
”Something’s bothering you.”  
”You right now”, grunted Rin.  
”You know what I mean.”  
”No I don’t. Leave me alone.”

That was all the response Aiichirou could get from Rin.

Lack of ability to communicate and the amount of time spent alone weren’t the only things that showed that Rin had trouble with himself. In the evening after the tournament Rin had indeed asked Aiichirou to cheer him up physically, but after that, it had been a long period without any sexual activity. Which said something. Until now, Rin had been keen to put his spare energy into either an intensive exercising session or a good shag. Now his worries seemed too big to be buried under those things; it seemed like those thoughts had made Rin blind to the world around him.

The first week without sex went by unnoticed. On the second week Aiichirou started to expect Rin to become more restless, like he had always become on a longer dry season, until he’d make a move. But he didn’t. On the third week, Rin still showed no interest, and Aiichirou realized he was becoming kind of pent-up himself. Inexperienced as he was, he had definitely not expected that after having gotten used to almost daily relief, it would be this hard to not be intimate for a while.

Not that it was the most important thing between them, at least not in Aiichirou’s opinion. But it did matter. Rin’s lack of desire was one of the signs of bigger problems. Ironically Aiichirou could tell that a dose of endorphin from a body contact would help Rin relax a bit.

So, as there was no way to get under Rin’s skin, he decided to at least get onto his skin.

*

Aiichirou took a deep breath in the bathroom, hand resting on the doorknob. Then he opened the door and stepped back into the room where Rin half-sat, half-lay on his bed, back leaned against the wall. Instead of going to his wardrobe, Aiichirou walked towards Rin.

”Senpai.”

Surprise flashed briefly on Rin’s face when he lifted his gaze; he hadn’t expected to see Aiichirou standing a small distance away from his bed, only wearing a towel.

Aiichirou tilted his head. His hair was still moist and fluffy from being ruffled with a towel.  
”I kind of hoped you had been in the shower with me”, he said airily. His tone of voice sounded like he could have just as well been telling what he’d had for lunch.

Rin blinked and then replaced his confused expression with his usual serious face. ”Uh – I just took one.”  
Aiichirou bit his lower lip and assured himself he was bold enough for this. ”I wasn’t thinking about actual bathing.”  
Rin stared at his own hands. ”I’m... I’m not really in the mood.”

Aiichirou hovered for a moment; he wasn’t sure if he should continue persuasion – not that he was exactly sure how – or if this was Rin’s way to tell him politely that he should scram. In the last few weeks, he had also pondered a possibility that was actually scarily plausible.

”Are you tired of me?” he asked simply, sincerely, even though he absolutely dreaded the answer. ”Like... as a ‘friend with benefits’.”  
Rin lifted his eyes and stammered. ”I – no. I don’t. Think so.”  
”You can tell me”, Aiichirou assured him. ”I want you to be honest.”  
”I –”

Rin fell silent. Very silent, for a long time. Aiichirou waited. His heart was pounding.

”My mind has just been on other stuff”, Rin said finally, visibly finding it hard to word his thoughts. He sounded almost apologetic. ”I actually haven’t even thought about that for a while now.”

Aiichirou exhaled. That was not a _yes, I’m tired of you_.

He took a slow step closer to Rin. ”Well... Is your mind on other stuff now?”

The answer wasn’t given immediately. ”Y-yes.” Rin’s tone wasn’t fully convincing.  
”Are you sure?” Aiichirou stopped right next to the bed. His voice was just a little bit hoarse. He leaned forward and placed one of his hands on Rin’s thigh. ”Should I get dressed?”

Their eyes met. The eye contact prolonged, prolonged, and finally something about Rin’s expression changed; suddenly Aiichirou felt a lot more confident.

The half-naked boy dropped onto the bed and sat astride on Rin’s lap, the towel rolling up his thighs and pooling around his pelvis. He put his hands on Rin’s shoulders and slid them slowly down over the collarbones.

”Of course I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t want to”, Aiichirou said cunningly, fingers wandering down the chest as far as the loose tank top allowed. ”If you say you’re not in the mood...”  
”I – no, this is okay.” Rin’s chest under Aiichirou’s hands rose and fell a little faster now. It seemed almost like Rin had just woken up from a trance where he had completely forgotten about such things as sex. Aiichirou watched Rin’s face observantly. The red head was not up for it quite yet, but he wasn’t rejecting him either. Aiichirou could tell that it was possible to stir up Rin’s enthusiasm if he had something interesting enough to offer. In other words, he should be straightforward about what he wanted.

Hands kept going downwards on top of the tank top. Aiichirou smiled shyly. ”It’s been a while.” The words were followed by a not that shy roll of his hips, which made Rin hiss barely audibly.  
”I – I guess.” Then Rin realized the real meaning behind Aiichirou’s words. A ghost of a smirk took over his face. ”Oh. Starting to crave for some?”

The change in expression made Aiichirou internally smile in relief and triumph. Externally, he acted modest.  
”A little”, he mumbled, tilting his head again and looking into Rin’s eyes.

Rin’s hands moved to rest on Aiichirou’s hips. The hips were rolled again, pressing against Rin’s crotch, the whole small figure then grinding on Rin’s rather passive body.

The movement caused the desired reaction and made Rin untie the knot on Aiichirou’s towel. He pushed it aside enough to be able to touch Aiichirou’s growing erection. Aiichirou shivered under the touch.

Oh how Aiichirou had already missed this. Rin’s hands on his body, moving leisurely; the waves of pleasure; the still unbelievable thought that Rin actually wanted to do this to him.

But at the same time, this wasn’t nearly enough. Aiichirou didn’t want a cozy hand job, he wanted more. Harder.

Aiichirou’s uneven breathing – already bordering on moaning – brushed over Rin’s ear when he leaned very close and whispered: ”It’s a little embarrassing to say this out loud... but I want you to know that the last time...” He gave a bashful chuckle and let his hands slide downwards. ”I liked it when you were a little rougher.” His hand pressed on Rin’s crotch. ”You know, when you bit me and...” He gasped at the thought. ”...pulled my hair...”

Rin exhaled sharply as a response to both the touch and the words. There was surprise in that faint sound, but also arousal.

The boy sitting on the other’s lap ran his lips along Rin’s neck to his shoulder, all the while palming Rin through his pants. His own neck was left on suggestive display.

Rin’s teeth grazed on the pale skin experimentally. Aiichirou made sure to encourage him by making some indecent sounds straight into his ear.

Rin nipped at the skin. Aiichirou shivered and melt against the larger body.

”Seems so”, Rin said with a low voice. ”You’re giving very mixed signals right now, though.”  
Aiichirou froze for a split second. ”What do you mean?”

There was a peculiar expression on Rin’s face; a little bit mischievous, kind of impressed. ”You sit down on my lap practically naked and ask, no, _demand_ for attention. Yet you wish to be dominated.” Rin gave a small laugh, shaking his head. Then he suddenly pushed his hips upwards and gave Aiichirou a harsher stroke. ”It’s... sexy, to be honest.”

Aiichirou got goosebumps all over. A blush rose onto his cheeks. At the same time, a not that shy part of his mind wanted to scream triumphantly at full volume.

Rin’s face had come alive. That smirk knew trouble. In a good way.

The fingers of Rin’s free hand moved to grasp Aiichirou’s buttock, while the other hand kept moving on Aiichirou’s dick.  
”Hnn – where is the lube?” Aiichirou purred in appreciation.  
”Where it always is”, said Rin. ”Hang on, I’ll –”  
”No, let me.”

Aiichirou got up from Rin’s lap and crawled to get the tube from under the mattress. Then he sat back to where he had been, although not until he had helped Rin to push his pants down. Rin hissed when Aiichirou took his cock into his hands slicked with lube and spread the substance all over it, making sure to give just the right amount of pressure in the process.

Rin shifted, pulled Aiichirou closer and and used one hand to clumsily but eagerly stroke both of them at once. Aiichirou gasped and pulled his own hand out of the way. The gel rubbed onto him as well and felt a bit cool, but Rin’s hardness against his own in the grip of Rin’s long fingers was burning.

”Give me more of that”, Rin said, nodding towards the lube. Aiichirou obeyed and squeezed the gel onto Rin’s fingers, even though the tube kept slipping in his hands.

Rin brought his gel-covered fingers behind Aiichirou, just playing with the entrance first, then pushing in slowly. That and the bite given just above Aiichirou’s collar bone made the smaller teen whimper. ”Mmh-more.”

So Rin let his fingers move and teeth travel. Aiichirou was feeling way too impatient by now, though; he had soon had enough of the gentle foreplay and shoved Rin’s hand away. Rin’s eyes squeezed shut as Aiichirou slowly lowered himself on his cock. A satisfied growl crept from both throats, Aiichirou’s a bit sharper and lewder, Rin’s more sensual and low.

Aiichirou didn’t have enough patience to wait much for getting used to the feeling. He soon started to lift his body and slide it back down Rin’s length. Feeling Rin inside of him for the first time in a while felt like what he imagined being high must feel like; his mind got blurry and worked on overdrive at the same time, and everything just felt so ridiculously good.

”Damn”, Rin huffed. ”God. Damn.”  
Aiichirou didn’t bother to stop his continuous motion. ”What?”  
”I guess I’m hell of a lucky guy”, panted Rin, hips automatically adapting to the rhythm of Aiichirou’s body.  
”Lucky?” Aiichirou half stuttered, half moaned.  
”I don’t think there are that many guys in this dormitory who are just sitting around until somebody comes and wants to ride them”, Rin chuckled.

Aiichirou’s mind went in disorder. _I feel lucky because of you._ That wasn’t what Rin had actually said, but it wasn’t far from it. He had learned to interpret Rin’s words in a positive light way too well. This was dangerously easy to misread.

He was blushing slightly at the direct words, but he couldn’t say Rin was wrong. He didn’t know what to say at all. This was one of those moments that probably wouldn’t seem that romantic in somebody else’s eyes, but the intimacy of the moment and his own damn thoughts and Rin’s divine smile messed with Aiichirou’s head. 

To distract himself he pushed his hand underneath Rin’s shirt and mumbled: ”I-it’s your fault for not putting out.”  
He had meant it to be a joke, but Rin answered with a completely serious tone. ”I’m sorry for not being an active part in this... arrangement of ours.”

Aiichirou stilled in genuine shock. He stared into Rin’s eyes; the boy looked back calm-faced.  
”No!” Aiichirou yelped. ”It was a joke. Don’t apologize. It’s not like we’ve made some kind of rules here.”

 _Not true_ , his mind commented immediately. _There are unwritten rules, and I have already broken them. Rule number one: no feelings._

Aiichirou bit his lower lip.

Then he leaned very close to Rin again, his whole body attaching to another, breathing the air next to Rin’s ear heavily.  
”All I need right now... is for you to just take me”, he whispered.

The sentence worked just as it was meant to work. Rin turned them over, shoving Aiichirou onto his back on the mattress, and did exactly what Aiichirou had just asked from him.

*

Luring Rin into having sex again paid off. In a way.

After that night he wasn’t in a significantly better mood in everyday situations, but whatever worries that were weighing him down, at least there were some moments when he could forget them. Feeling skin against skin and hearing the sounds of the other person’s pleasure caused satisfaction that was perhaps fleeting and subsided eventually, but was also easy to seek for again and again. He could get the superficial ecstasy back as long as they had an access to a private place and something that passed as lubricant.

It worked for Aiichirou, too. No matter how he struggled to stay optimistic, he wasn’t always able to. He actively worked to keep his thoughts in the right direction and appear cheerful, but he couldn’t help even the smallest things bringing him down every once in a while. Meaningless words and situations sometimes had a massive impact on him, turning quickly into all-encompassing worries and forming an empty, gloomy feeling inside of him.

Each time Rin’s panting became more vocal, Aiichirou dreaded that the lustful ‘ha’ would once be followed by that one syllable that would break him. That never happened, but the fear never left him completely.

On the other hand, Rin’s attention, touches and mere presence, not to mention the skilled hands and mouth working between Aiichirou’s legs, gave him the opposite sensations; euphoria and oblivion. Aiichirou’s mind was constantly tossing from one extremity to another, not giving much room for what was in between pleasure and misery.

Soon both of them had become conditioned to that when anxiety threatened to take over, getting rid of clothes was the first step to feel better. As time passed, the cycle of mindless sex and faltering thoughts became an addiction. Aiichirou’s life became so filled with the constant rush of hormones that he was eventually unable to name what he felt.

He didn’t want to feel.

This what exactly what they had agreed on doing; starting a relationship where sexual encounters benefited both of them. Clinical as it was, Aiichirou repeated this thought to himself until he started to believe in it more.

He had his use. Ultimately, this was a game, and he served as a toy for Rin.

When the thought stopped being deadly cold, it started to give him comfort.  
_He had his use._

Rin started to be rougher again. This time it wasn’t the reckless dominance for dominance’s sake, like it had been in the beginning, but acted as an echo for Aiichirou’s reactions. Neither of them could disregard how Aiichirou’s breathing turned into panting when his hair was pulled, his neck bitten or wrists locked in a inescapable iron grip. Being pinned down against a mattress, a table or a wall, until he could just barely breathe, made Aiichirou moan the loudest. After arguing over Aiichirou’s messy desk, shoving every item on that desk onto the floor with one swipe of a strong arm and pushing Aiichirou’s small figure against the hard surface made Aiichirou’s knees go soft and other parts of him grow very hard.

The reason why Aiichirou felt so good in an extremely submissive position wasn’t that simple to explain, even to himself. In some twisted way he felt like he was doing a wrong, forbidden thing every time he almost got tangled into his own feelings. As a wrong-doer, he had to endure a punishment. It was easier to handle the slight flashes of pain on his body than the guilt in his heart. He deserved them.

Besides, in all its crookedness, something was insanely erotic about how easily this could have been seen as him being used. He wasn’t, not really, but it was easy to imagine so. Aiichirou found himself thinking in the middle of ecstasy that even though Rin’s body was the definition of sin and the boy was fucking away his frustrations like a messed-up little devil, in the end it was Aiichirou himself who wanted to be there and feel himself become more and more impure.

That agitated Rin, too. It was hard to see which way the causation worked – did Rin’s dominance make Aiichirou become more submissive or did Aiichirou’s submission make Rin more passionate – but neither of them was interested in analyzing it. They’d much rather just experience it.

So, Rin made sure that time after time his fingers dug into Aiichirou’s hair and tugged harder with every thrust until Aiichirou came with a high-pitched wail.


	5. "Let them hear."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, this is literally a thousand words longer than any of the last chapters :--D But a lot of it is dialogue soooo...

Aiichirou stood in front of the mirror and stared at the dark red spot just above his collar bone.

Despite his habit of biting, Rin always avoided leaving visible bite marks. Plain graze of teeth usually left no sign of anything out of the ordinary. But sucking the skin was a different thing. Aiichirou could now see the downside to Rin’s tendency to add force when Aiichirou added the volume of his whimpers. Rin’s roughness made Aiichirou cry out even louder, which made Rin forget about the reasonable use of his teeth and just concentrate on the passion.

This time Rin had sucked Aiichirou’s neck, maybe without realizing it, but _hard_.

There was no way to cover it. The red spot stayed out of sight if he zipped his jacket all the way up, but he’d have to go to the pool soon. The swim club practice would start in minutes. Swimming wasn’t the most convenient hobby if you wanted to avoid showing skin.

Panic built up in him. For a brief moment he considered the possibility of skipping practice, but he didn’t want to be a bother to anyone. Captain had always been very strict about it; by not showing up, one let everybody else in the club down.

Rin was gone. He had probably already gone ahead. Maybe he was still in the locker room and had his phone with him. Aiichirou grabbed his own phone quickly and typed a text message. His hasty fingers kept slipping onto the wrong keys before he managed to finished the text. ’ _Umm, you left a mark. The guys are definitely going to notice it. What do I do?!_ ’

The response came in about a minute. ’ _I don’t think there’s much to do about it. Come to practice._ ’

So Aiichirou pulled himself together and went.

Nobody said anything, but Aiichirou felt like he was constantly followed by a spotlight. His neck felt tingly. He tried to act like he always did, but he couldn’t not notice the way his teammates’ eyes lingered on him.

The worst part was when he realized that after staring at his neck, their eyes always turned straight to Rin. Rin kept up an expressionless appearance, but Aiichirou knew that Rin had seen it too.

Fear grew bigger inside of Aiichirou. Rin was already in a constant bad mood. He would certainly hate to be asked about this. And judging from the looks on the other swimmers’ faces, there would indeed be questions.

The guys were appropriate enough to wait until the practice was over and the whole gang went to the locker room. Then, just as Aiichirou expected, the jeering began.

Kawamura Tetsuo was the first to bring it up. ”It seems like this time we don’t even have to fish for information to know if someone’s gotten laid”, he said with a sly smirk.  
The atmosphere of the whole room changed immediately. Aiichirou felt it. Everyone turned his eyes on him.  
”Just drop it”, he said uneasily.  
”I could’ve sworn that if someone in here was a pure one, it would be Nitori, but I guess I was wrong”, Seijuurou shook his head and tutted. ”So tragic.”  
”Stop it, Captain.” Aiichirou could not fight a blush, especially when a crowd of boys grinned knowingly at his direction.  
”This is indeed new.”  
”Yeah, hard to believe this is coming from Nitori.”  
”They say the shy ones are actually the kinkiest”, Tetsuo sniggered. ”Are you, Nitori?”  
”Stop it!”  
”Or should we just ask Matsuoka?”

Aiichirou’s breath caught.

A sharp silence followed.

Eyes were turned towards Rin, who looked back frowning.  
”Well?” he asked with a chilly voice. ”Got something to say?”  
”Look at the guy, acting so cool”, Seijuurou grinned widely. ”You sinner.”  
”When we were wondering what put Matsuoka in a better mood earlier, and I said Nitori must know, I didn’t think he’d know _that_ well”, Uozumi Takuya chaffed.  
”Why are you so interested in what I do in my own time?” Rin said with an icy tone. ”It doesn’t affect your lives much.”  
”Well, it’s actually rather hard to not notice what is going on between you and Nitori”, commented Takuya. ”The rooms in the dorms aren’t exactly soundproof, you know.”

A nasty feeling gushed in Aiichirou’s stomach; a lump of embarrassment and guilt. He wished with all his might that Rin would say something that would make the others shut their mouths and give up the topic. But even Rin had a slight blush on his face now. The boy was just staring defiantly up at Takuya and refused to drop his stubborn expression. ”Too bad”, he grunted sarcastically.

Of course the annoying remarks weren’t going to end anytime soon, especially when neither Rin nor Aiichirou would make a proper comeback.  
”Nitori sure is damn loud”, Azuma Yuuki said. ”What exactly do you do to him, Matsuoka?”  
”Isn’t that clear?” Takuya laughed. ”Matsuoka seems to be taking quite good care of him. Am I correct, Nitori-chan?”  
Aiichirou saw that Rin clenched his fists dangerously.  
Takuya didn’t care. ”That also explains how Nitori can bear with Matsuoka’s PMS tantrums every day”, he continued.

The next second, Rin dashed aggressively towards Takuya. But Seijuurou reacted fast and stepped in, grabbing Rin’s arms and holding him in place. ”Now, now! Let’s not be rash here.”

Rin squirmed away from Seijuurou’s grip, but didn’t move to Takuya’s direction anymore. Aiichirou couldn’t do or say a thing. He felt the heat on his face and the slight shaking of his hands and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn’t even put his body into motion enough to put on his clothes and run away.

From the corner of his eye, Aiichirou noticed that Rin was glancing at him. He barely dared to meet Rin’s eyes. When he did, he was surprised to see that Rin’s expression was not only irritated, but also worried. As if he wanted to ask if Aiichirou was okay.

Aiichirou’s eyes locked with Rin’s. He was in panic. He _wanted_ to be able to cope in this situation, but now that the playful teasing was really happening, he couldn’t do anything. Rin saw that.

”For your information”, Rin snarled so loudly that the others became silent immediately. ”What me and Nitori are doing or not doing is between us and only us, and isn’t your damn business.”

The others clearly wanted to respond, but both Seijuurou’s warning looks and Rin’s tone of voice made them keep quiet. Rin was using that one certain assertive tone of voice that always made people around him listen to what he had to say. He accepted no opposition.

”And even if it was”, Rin continues, ”you stay the fuck away from Nitori. He doesn’t have to put up with your idiocy.”

Everyone glanced briefly at Aiichirou. The boy did not meet anyone’s eyes, but kept staring at Rin, completely frozen. He had not expected those words. He had not expected Rin to downright _defend_ him.

”When it comes to being loud”, Rin kept going without paying any attention to Aiichirou anymore. ”What did you expect living in a dorm is like? I’m not going to apologize.” He stood fully straight now, eyes examining each teammate arrogantly. ”Maybe you’d better get your own sex partners so you don’t have to nose around other people’s business.”

For a while everyone was silent. The others looked at each other and at Rin a little bit more uncertainly. Someone uttered a quiet laugh, trying to ease up the tension in the room.

”Come on. You could at least tell us _something_ ”, Tetsuo finally said with a friendlier voice. ”Are you guys together or...?”  
”No”, Rin blurted.  
”Then what are you?”  
”Nothing”, said Rin, irritation written on his face. ”Friends. Teammates.”

”Let me make this clear.” Seijuurou put his hands on his hips. He frowned as he stared at Rin, then at Aiichirou, then back at Rin. ”You do know that personal life shouldn’t affect the club, right?”  
Rin scowled back at him. ”Have you noticed it affecting it in any way?”  
”I guess not.” Seijuurou was thinking about it with a serious expression on his face. ”So, you’re not eventually going to break up and cause drama and mess up the dynamics of the whole team?”  
”How can we break up when we’re not even together?”

Aiichirou felt a sting in his heart, but tried not to pay attention to it.

Seijuurou’s eyes went back and forth between Rin and Aiichirou. ”Fine then”, he said finally, smiling a little. ”Do as you please, as long as everything works at the practice.”  
”Oh boy, Captain, thank you so much for this honor”, Rin said sarcastically. ”How about you stay out of my personal life from now on.”  
”Don’t be so cranky”, said Tetsuo, his tone of voice even more amicable now. ”We weren’t serious.”  
”What’s a little bantering between teammates”, Takuya added awkwardly.  
”At least some of you wussies are getting some”, teased Seijuurou.  
”What! You’re one to say, Captain!”

That led into a loud burst of protests and made everyone turn their attention away from Rin and Aiichirou. Aiichirou took a deep breath and slowly continued changing his clothes.

*

Aiichirou had purposely avoided situations that would make the feelings of affection become harder to control again. Now, just like that, because of one conversation and a few sentences from Rin’s mouth, he was in trouble again.

Many minutes afterwards, Aiichirou’s heart just kept pounding fiercely when he thought about how feistily Rin had told the teammates to leave Aiichirou alone. How boldly he had stood up to the guys and turned the situation against them.

And how he had looked at Aiichirou.

”Senpai”, Aiichirou said as soon as the door to their room closed behind them. ”I’m sorry and... thank you. I didn’t know what to say to them.”  
Rin just shrugged. ”Don’t apologize.” He slumped onto his back on his bed with a sigh. ”To be honest, I wasn’t that sure what to say myself.”

Aiichirou’s mind softened when he looked at Rin’s body splayed on the bed and his worried expression. Suddenly he realized that the opinions of other people affected Rin more than he was willing to admit. The situation in the locker room must have made him feel insecure.  
”You appeared fearless”, Aiichirou assured him.  
Rin didn’t respond.

Not caring about how much he wanted to curl up beside Rin and put his arms around his body, Aiichirou just sat down cross-legged on the bed next to him.

Rin turned to look at Aiichirou for a few seconds, but covered his face with his arms then, visibly annoyed. ”They’re so nosy. It pisses me off.”  
”People tend to be nosy”, Aiichirou noted. ”And it isn’t exactly easy to keep secrets around here.”  
”Yup.”  
”Maybe it’s a good thing you got to make things clear”, Aiichirou said sensibly. ”To them, I mean. So they won’t think we’re something we’re not.” He felt another sting in his heart at that addition; in all honesty, he was the one who needed constant reminding about what they were and weren’t.

Rin uncovered his face again. His arms fell to rest on his sides, folded in a way that left his wrists aligned with his eyes. His body reminded Aiichirou of a resting beast of some sort. The relatively vulnerable position created a false image of submission, but Rin’s strength and confidence were still present. Aiichirou tried not to pay attention to how seductive it looked.

Suddenly a hint of amusement glinted in Rin’s eyes when he looked at Aiichirou. ”Besides, they’re jealous”, he said. ”Reading their porn mags is the closest they can get to getting some action.”

Aiichirou laughed; a sincere, bubbly laughter, born from his relief and fading distress and urged on by how he loved to see even the faintest smile on Rin’s face.

His laughter was cut short and turned into a surprised gasp, when Rin reached towards him with one hand and lay it on Aiichirou’s lap. The fingers slid up under Aiichirou’s t-shirt.

”Does this mean I don’t have to avoid leaving marks anymore?” Rin murmured.  
Aiichirou quirked an eyebrow. ”You _want_ to leave marks?”  
Rin’s fingers wandered on the skin just above the waistline of Aiichirou’s pants. ”You like it how it feels, don’t you? Biting. And sucking.”  
”I – I do.” Aiichirou’s voice trembled very slightly. He was still a bit perplexed about coming to terms with how much he enjoyed the rough treatment. ”But – what’s in it for you?”  
”It’s troublesome, having to be careful... When I’d like to just let go.” Rin slipped his hand into Aiichirou’s pants, not bothered by the rather awkward angle. ”Why do you think you ended up having the hickey? The sounds you make, indeed... It’s hard to hold back.”

Aiichirou breathed irregularly. He was already becoming hard; Rin’s fingers were distracting and playful and way too light. ”Well, I’d appreciate it if you’d still try to avoid hickeys... We’re half-naked in the practice on daily basis and I don’t want to be stared at...”

A sly, way too sexy smirk took over Rin’s face. ”So... They are fine where the guys can’t see them?”

Aiichirou’s whole body got goosebumps.

Just a moment later, Aiichirou was pushed on his back with his pants tugged down and Rin’s mouth was on his lower belly. The tongue slid down, following the line of Aiichirou’s hipbone.

”Even if swimwear covers it”, Aiichirou whined, ”how do you expect me to change clothes without the other guys seeing?”  
Rin didn’t let the question slow him down. ”I don’t know. Just watch it?”

Teeth sunk onto where the hip and the thigh were joint – lightly at first, then with more force. Aiichirou winced when Rin sucked the skin. It caused a peculiar feeling, something between a little painful and ticklish, but arousing above all.

At the same time, Rin pressed Aiichirou’s inner thigh with one hand to make him spread his legs more. Aiichirou obeyed without thinking. His penis twitched in anticipation as Rin’s mouth moved an inch closer to the center and sucked on the thigh again. Aiichirou had to slam his hand onto his mouth.

Rin looked up at Aiichirou. ” _Now_ you’re being bashful?”  
Aiichirou pouted. ”I don’t want to hear any more comments about my loudness.”

Rin’s mouth traveled to the other side of Aiichirou’s hip area and stayed there for a while, working his tongue and teeth, leaving a bunch of tingling dark spots.  
”Isn’t it too late for that already”, he muttered with a serious tone. ”We’ve been heard.”

Aiichirou didn’t know what to say. As if he could resist. His fingers clutched the sheet with an abrupt jerk, when Rin’s mouth suddenly brushed over the tip of his dick.

”Let them hear”, Rin mumbled. ”This is payback. They should’ve thought twice before mocking us.”

The tongue touched Aiichirou’s penis briefly, teasingly.

”Senpai, come on”, Aiichirou complained.  
”Come on, what?” Rin hummed, lips against Aiichirou’s shaft.  
”You’re being a tease! Stop it!”  
”You like being teased.”  
” _You_ like to tease.”  
Rin chuckled. ”Because your reactions are fun.”  
”You’re not being nice”, Aiichirou groused, cheeks reddened.  
”Who said anything about being nice?”

Covering his mouth didn’t help Aiichirou much when Rin took him into his mouth.

To be completely honest, Aiichirou couldn’t say he didn’t like a little bit of tease. Rin had the ability be pleasantly attentive to even the most subtle body language of Aiichirou’s and knew what kind of treatment turned his mind into a mess. Not that it was particularly difficult to read him right now. He squirmed on the mattress with his whole body shivering, eyes glued on Rin, when Rin’s mouth moved in an steadily quickening rhythm.

The sight below was stunning. There were several purple marks all around his groin, but the real eye-catcher was Rin, no doubt. His body was beautifully bent down and his mouth was sliding up and down smoothly and easily as if he was born to do this, even though their positions were more often the other way around. His moves were very calculated and careful – which Aiichirou was obviously glad for, as he did not want to become acquainted with Rin’s teeth – but at the same time, what Rin did was intensive, breathtaking.

Behind the hair fallen on Rin’s face, Aiichirou could see focused eyes that glanced up at Aiichirou’s eyes every now and then. Usually Aiichirou instinctively closed his eyes when Rin went down on him because the feeling was too much, but now he suddenly realized why it was better to keep his eyes open – and also why Rin often came faster if Aiichirou looked him into the eyes while sucking him. The eye contact made the situation so erotic it was almost unbearable.

Aiichirou could no longer keep his voice down when Rin’s slick fingers slid into him. He had barely noticed when Rin had picked up the lube in the first place. His restrained gasps had been turning heavier for a while now, but they became downright moans – borderline screams – when Rin’s fingers brushed his prostate.

Rin pulled his mouth away for a moment and growled in a smug tone: ”I knew you wouldn’t stay quiet.” He was apparently very pleased with himself. Then he bowed down again to continue sucking Aiichirou off.

Aiichirou answered Rin’s word with an incoherent combination of panting and ecstatic laughter. He didn’t care whether or not he was loud anymore. It didn’t bother him the slightest to know that to Rin, all this was just a fun game to distract him from his worries. It didn’t bother him that there were never kisses or tenderness or romance. Not as long as Rin looked at him the way he did and kept doing things like this. 

Hands clutched the sheets. ”S-senpai”, Aiichirou wailed, hoping that Rin would figure he wouldn’t last for much longer. As good as this felt, he didn’t want to come like this.  
Of course Rin understood. ”Okay”, he said, pulling away and picking up the lube again.

 _They may think they know something_ , Aiichirou thought groggily, _but they don’t. No-one knows how this is._

Nobody else but Aiichirou had no idea how fluently Rin’s hips moved at times like this. Nobody else saw Rin from this point of view, when his body was big and strong on top of Aiichirou and stretched out to pin his wrists onto the mattress above his head. Nobody knew how Rin felt inside of him.

The thought of being allowed to see this side of Rin felt incredible to Aiichirou. At times like this he could dive into pleasure head first and let himself imagine that things were always like this. That this was not a twisted, unusual roommate relationship. That there were no separate beds and wrong kind of feelings. That there were no other people, no Haru, no nosy swim club members, not anyone else but himself and Rin and the purple marks of ownership on his hips.

He let his voice become louder when Rin increased the pace.

*

Unfortunately Rin’s general bad mood didn’t falter. In fact, the closer the regionals were, the worse Rin got. His absent mind and anxiety soon became visible in the practice and the other swim club members noticed it too. But of course Rin didn’t open up to them any more than he did to Aiichirou.

Aiichirou had kind of known beforehand that especially now that he and Rin were a public topic, he should expect Seijuurou to ask him about Rin’s struggle. He just didn’t have the answer when the question was asked.

”Really? He still hasn’t spoken to you, huh? But you two are... whatever you are”, Seijuurou said in surprise, his suspicious eyes drilling through his kouhai.  
Aiichirou fiddled with the hem of his jacket nervously. ”I’m not sure if this is an appropriate conversation to have, Captain...”  
Seijuurou didn’t pay any attention to Aiichirou’s distress. ”But you live together –”  
”We’re just roommates. There’s a big difference.”  
”– and apparently you have sex regularly –”  
Aiichirou shrieked. ”Okay, definitely not an appropriate conversation!”  
”– and you’re practically never apart. How is that not _being_ together?”

Aiichirou became silent. His gaze was stuck on Rin, who was swimming another lap persistently, but with poor results. Even now, when Aiichirou was in the middle of trying to convince someone that he didn’t have feelings towards Rin, and when Rin actively stayed out of reach, he realized he was looking at the boy in a whole different way than he looked at anyone else. He also realized that a huge part of him wished that someday Rin would see what Seijuurou saw.  
”Good question”, Aiichirou said quietly.

A few seconds of silence passed before he became aware that one of the thoughts he had guarded so strictly had slipped out. He straightened himself up quickly and gave a high-pitch, exaggerated laughter. ”Ah! Uh – however! I don’t know what’s up with him. We don’t talk much.”  
Seijuurou raised an eyebrow. ”No need to go into details.”  
Aiichirou blushed and buried his face into his hands. ”Argh, you know what I mean! He’s very introverted!”

Captain chuckled and put his hand on Aiichirou’s shoulder. ”Yeah, yeah, I get it. But Nitori...”

Seijuurou’s quiet, low tone of voice and his sudden serious expression made Aiichirou startle.

”Honestly, are you okay with this? Does he treat you right?”

Aiichirou froze for a second, before another nervous laughter burst from his mouth. ”Of course! I’m fine.”  
The tall man looked at Aiichirou in an uncharacteristically concerned expression. ”Matsuoka can be a dick sometimes. You know you don’t have to tolerate everything he does or says? Not just because you’re his roommate or friend or – _whatever_ you are to him”, Seijuurou said, emphasizing the last part knowingly.  
”He’s – he’s not being a dick”, Aiichirou argued, almost overwhelmed by the unexpected situation, but willing to defend Rin all the same. ”I mean – he is a bit difficult sometimes, but not on purpose. He hasn’t told me much of what goes on in his head but I do know he’s terribly stressed right now, with the regionals coming up and all... Especially now that he’s going to be on the relay team, and up against Nanase-san from Iwatobi. He has a lot of pressure on him.”

Seijuurou’s eyes narrowed as he kept staring at Aiichirou. The smaller boy stared back as defiantly as he could, refusing to accept a bad word about Rin.

Then Seijuurou sneered. ”You two sure are something else.”

When Seijuurou walked away, Aiichirou’s heart throbbed harder than he wanted to acknowledge. The Captain’s whole attitude had told a tale. He saw right through Aiichirou. He didn’t believe in ‘friends with benefits’. He assumed there was more.

Even though Aiichirou couldn’t admit it, not to Seijuurou, not to Rin and not even to himself, he really did wish that was the case.

Rin had gotten up from the pool. His aggressive footsteps carried him all the way to the locker room before Aiichirou could reach him.  
”You did well, senpai”, he said, forcing himself to sound cheerful and handing Rin a towel.  
”No I didn’t”, Rin grunted, grabbing the towel and drying his hair on it. ”I do notice when my times are shit. I also notice when Mikoshiba is criticizing me. What did he say?”  
”Uh – he –” Aiichirou swallowed. He didn’t want to say Seijuurou had asked about their relationship. ”He’s worried about you.”

Rin snorted, taking off his swimwear briskly and starting to get dressed. Aiichirou looked away bashfully, even though Rin’s body was more than familiar to him by now.

”I am, too”, Aiichirou said after a while. ”Worried.”  
”There’s no need to.”  
”I just thought, that –”  
”Stop clinging to me, Nitori”, Rin snarled. ”I don’t need your pampering.”

And right after that, Rin left. Aiichirou just stood motionless.

Harsh words weren’t supposed to bother him. They weren’t _allowed_ to bother him. Usually he knew how to see the whole picture rationally and take into account that Rin had his reasons to act like he acted. Now, right after telling Seijuurou that, it was suddenly very difficult to fight his feelings.

Rin’s towel was left lying on the floor. Aiichirou bent down to pick it up slowly.

Seijuurou’s words echoed in his mind. _You don’t have to tolerate everything he does or says._

He didn’t have to. He wanted to.

Squeezing the towel in his hands, alone in the locker room, he suddenly felt very small.


	6. "I just keep screwing up."

Staying faithfully on Rin’s side throughout even his worst moods eventually turned out to be worth it. After all, even though he did his best to hide it, Rin was a sensitive person. He had his limits.

So, one evening, just a few days before regionals, the two of them were catching their breaths in Rin’s bed. They were a tangle of limbs and sweat and post-orgasm exhaustion, and at that moment Rin’s emotional filter finally betrayed him.

”Fuck”, Rin snarled, lying on his stomach, face pressed onto a pillow, squeezing the sheet with his fists. ”I’m so fed up. They keep asking about you. And poking fun at me. They think it’s just friendly jesting, but I’m starting to reach the end of my patience.”  
Aiichirou startled a little at the sudden outburst. ”Who? The club?”  
”Yes, them. I don’t care what they think about this. I really don’t. But do they have to make such a big deal out of it? I can’t deal with any unnecessary shit right now.”

Aiichirou also turned from his back onto his stomach, face turned towards Rin. He would’ve pulled a blanket over them both, but it was tangled somewhere under their bodies.

”What do they say, then?” he asked quietly.  
”They just... Keep talking as if we were a couple.” Rin shot a concerned look at him and added: ”Don’t take this the wrong way. I just...”  
Aiichirou avoided his eyes. ”No, I get it. We’re _not_ a couple.”  
Rin sighed. ”I can’t stand someone else trying to define me. Even if it’s just joking. I hate it.”

There was a pained expression on Rin’s face that was half buried into the pillow, like he was fighting tears he had suppressed for a long time. Aiichirou wanted to touch that face; he wanted to smooth away the frown with his fingers. He didn’t.

”I’m sorry”, Aiichirou said with a small voice. ”You getting into this situation... It feels like it’s entirely my fault.”  
Rin’s eyes turned to look at him, but he didn’t raise his head from the pillow. His eyes were glistening a little. His expression was almost soft. ”It’s not. You may have made the first move but I wanted to keep doing it.”

Aiichirou opened his mouth, but shut it again and bit his lip. If he said something now, there was a great risk that it would be something he didn’t really want to let slip; something related to the feelings he had so desperately told himself not to feel.

”Besides, it’s not about whether or not I should’ve gotten myself in this situation”, said Rin. ”I don’t have any regrets. I see no reason to hide or deny anything. My only problem is that the guys are pissing me off.”

Aiichirou sighed. Even though Rin kept assuring him that he didn’t regret their relationship, and had already once before said that he didn’t want to hide _him_ , Aiichirou still had the unavoidable feeling that he was the problem.

As if Rin didn’t have enough problems on his own. Aiichirou had caused more.

With a voice strangled with guilt, he said: ”They’d like to tease me, as well. I see it. But... I guess they took your words seriously when you... defended me. And now you’re their only target.” His sighs kept getting heavier. ”You should’ve just denied everything when they asked about the hickey. It would’ve been fine with me, honestly.”

But to his surprise, Rin shook his head firmly. ”No. It would’ve felt wrong.”  
”What do you mean?”

Silence followed. Rin was avoiding eye contact. Suddenly Aiichirou’s heart started to bump faster as he waited for continuation. He had no idea what was going on in Rin’s mind right now, but the uneasy, melancholy expression on that beautiful face told him that something was coming up. Something that was visibly difficult for Rin to express.

”You’ve been supporting me like, a lot”, Rin then said awkwardly. ”I know I’m really bad at showing gratitude... but I do notice the things you do for me.”  
Aiichirou’s stomach did a spontaneous somersault at the sudden recognition. ”U-uh, I’m not expecting you to –!”  
”Actually I’ve been acting anything but grateful towards you”, Rin cut him off, as if he was afraid that he’d lose the ability to say these words if he didn’t say them immediately. ”I often realize it afterwards that I’ve been much meaner to you than I meant to. I’m... sorry.”

Words disappeared from Aiichirou’s mind. He could only stare at Rin, whose eyes were glowing with exhaustion and distress. It wasn’t easy for him to say things like this.

”The least I can do is take responsibility for my actions”, Rin continued quietly. ”And stand up for you in return.”

Suddenly Aiichirou’s face felt so hot that he had to hide it against a pillow. A warm feeling surged inside of him and spread quickly into his whole body. He was tingling all over. Rin wanted to treat him better. Rin wanted to be on his side.

”Nitori?” Rin asked with a bit bemused tone. ”What is it?”  
”Ah, I just –” Aiichirou hid the world’s stupidest and happiest smile behind the pillow. Then he raised his face just enough to be able to look at Rin and talk to him. ”I just don’t know what to say. U-uh – thank you. I’m glad.”

They lay in silence for a moment. Aiichirou turned onto his side, facing Rin. Lying there side by side, naked and coverless, felt surprisingly natural. Rin’s skin, still a bit damp from sweat, radiated warmth. Aiichirou felt it even though they weren’t touching.

Aiichirou’s smile faded slowly when his eyes studied Rin. A vague, gloomy expression lingered on Rin’s face. He was deep in thought again.

It was as if there were dark, heavy curtains closed over Rin’s mind. They prevented Aiichirou or anyone else from getting close enough to Rin to get a grasp of his thoughts. Aiichirou wanted to badly to be able to pull those curtains aside, not only to find out what was behind them, but also to bring a little bit of light into Rin’s mind and heart.

But at least Rin was now opening up to him a little. He was visibly overwhelmed by both the piled up emotions and the feeling of vulnerability he felt after spilling those emotions out. Admitting that someone else’s words hurt him was a lot from Rin. Not to mention a proper apology.

All of a sudden, Aiichirou remembered the way Seijuurou had described them. He lived with Rin, they spent a lot of time together, they had sex often – one could say this pretty much counted as dating. Now that Rin was seeking not only physical relief, but also emotional assurance from him, their so-called-friendship felt a whole lot different again.

Indeed. Why couldn’t this, here, be called a relationship? Not necessarily a simple one, but a relationship all the same.

 _Because he has no feelings._ The answer remained just that plain.

A stubborn _but_ was bugging him again. _But he wants to stand up for me. Why would he do that, if –?_

”As if I wasn’t already constantly under everyone’s surveillance”, Rin said abruptly, tearing Aiichirou out of his thoughts. ”I _have_ to do well in the regionals, but I just keep screwing up. I really don’t need to add my personal life into the list of things people are judging me for.”

Aiichirou’s hand jerked into motion before he could forbid it; taken over by an affectionate urge to protect Rin, he was almost going to wrap his arm around Rin’s upper body as a sign of comfort, but stopped himself. Instead, he lay his fingers gently on Rin’s upper arm. The touch was light and careful and it expressed compassion, but it was distant enough to not downright invade Rin’s personal space.

Aiichirou knew he was bordering on crossing the lines he had told himself not to cross. They never shared touches like this one.

Rin didn’t move. He showed no reaction to the touch, but didn’t pull away either. It seemed like he didn’t mind. Aiichirou almost let out a sigh of relief.

”I know my swimming has been bad lately”, said Rin. His voice was smothered by hidden rage and unreleased tears again. ”It feels like I’m looking at myself from outside all the time. I swim, but I don’t feel it. I try to focus, but I just can’t get my head on the right track. And I’m so goddamn angry all the time.”

Aiichirou wished he knew what was the right way to answer to something like that. He did know why Rin was angry, though. Constant anger was easier to deal with than constant sadness. But it wasn’t an easy thing to express. He didn’t have time to form a single sentence in his head until another outburst came from Rin.

”Even fucking Ryugazaki dared to come to brawl with me”, Rin spat bitterly.  
”Ryugazaki-san? From Iwatobi?” Aiichirou was surprised to hear that. ”When did you run into him?”  
”A little while ago.” Rin started into emptiness, knitting his brows tightly. ”Who is he to say anything to me? He’s a lousy swimmer. If Iwatobi’s team makes it, it’s definitely not thanks to him. He’s around because they couldn’t find anyone who actually knows what they’re doing.”

Aiichirou studied Rin’s face. So the butterfly swimmer of Iwatobi’s team had visited Rin in person. Aiichirou saw that Rin was once again trying to act like another person’s words didn’t affect him one bit, but they did. He couldn’t help wondering if the reason for Rin’s fury was that he had clashed with an enemy or rather the fact that there was someone else taking his spot in Haru’s team. _Haru found someone else_ , in other words.

”It seems to me like you actually want to see Nanase-san’s team succeed”, Aiichirou said quietly.  
”No”, Rin scorned. ”They’re our opponents.”  
”Then why do you care if Ryugazaki-san is a bad swimmer?”

Rin didn’t answer.

Aiichirou’s touch on Rin’s upper arm became heavier; he squeezed Rin’s bicep to empathize his words. ”Besides, nobody will hate you even if you don’t win in the regionals.”

The words were supposed to cheer Rin up, but they actually made his his whole demeanor become remarkably grimmer. He frowned and snorted moodily. The firm muscle under Aiichirou’s fingers tensed. ”So your advice is that I shouldn’t try my best? That it doesn’t matter?”  
Aiichirou blinked rapidly. ”I – I didn’t say that.”  
”What, then?”  
”Of course I want you to do your best, senpai”, Aiichirou sighed.

He recognized Rin’s tone of voice and his gestures; the boy had once again slipped into that specific mood when it was impossible to get through to him. Rin had the ability to become incredibly uncooperative if he wanted to.

”You’re not very good at giving advice”, Rin grunted.  
”Actually I just didn’t think that _my_ advice would matter much to you”, Aiichirou said.

The sentence took Rin by surprise. He had probably expected for more rushed explaining that would irritate him even further, but this was the opposite of that. The grim expression melted a little.

Aiichirou’s grip of Rin’s upper arm enlightened, but he didn’t pull his hand off. He watched as Rin closed his eyes and buried his face deeper into the pillow. A moment passed. Aiichirou couldn’t see Rin’s face to try and read what was going on in his mind.

”I’m sorry”, Rin mumbled into the pillow. ”Again.”

At last he turned his face towards Aiichirou again. Aiichirou was taken aback by the tears falling from Rin’s eyes.

”Your advice matters”, Rin said quietly. ”Lately I’ve just constantly felt like nobody can say the right words.”

Aiichirou’s breath hitched. He had never heard Rin’s voice sound so fragile.

Something about those words, uttered quietly in the slowly darkening room, was hauntingly powerful. They were a glimpse to the Rin who wanted to be understood, but didn’t know how to make it happen. The Rin who felt lonely, even when he was surrounded by people. The Rin who didn’t think he was enough. The moment was delicate, raw.

Aiichirou was almost bursting with the desire to pull Rin’s naked body against his own and to grip him so tightly that Rin would surely know he wasn’t alone. He wanted to catch the tears on Rin’s face with his fingers. He wanted to ask Rin to tell him what the ‘right words’ were. Because honestly, right now, Aiichirou was ready to do anything for Rin.

But he knew there was no way he could express any of his thoughts without sounding like he was head over heels in love.

Therefore just like he always did, he stayed beside Rin, but not too close, and resorted to vague words of optimism and lukewarm phrases that Rin did not take in.

*

On the bus trip to the regionals Aiichirou sat next to Rin and tolerated his mood swings. He had to support Rin; the boy was nervous and snappy, but that wasn’t in any way unexpected or unforgivable under these circumstances. Right now Rin needed someone who could take it. Besides, the snapping wasn’t directed at Aiichirou personally. He knew Rin tried to act nicer towards him. There wasn’t a sudden big change in his overall personality, but he did change the tones of voice he used with Aiichirou and the way he chose his words. Aiichirou appreciated it.

At some point Aiichirou started to feel like Seijuurou was keeping an eye on them. There was something unnerving in the way the captain was watching them, even though Aiichirou couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was.

Aiichirou himself knew how to let Rin’s snarling go in one ear and out the other, and instead hear the real meaning beneath it. But he knew what their interaction must have seemed like from an outsider’s point of view. So every time Rin snapped about something, Aiichirou hoped that Seijuurou was currently paying attention to something else than the two of them.

Seijuurou had said it himself; he thought Rin was being unfair. Aiichirou was oddly bothered by Seijuurou’s opinion. He generally didn’t like to hear negative comments about his friends – and Rin was, of course, on a whole different level on his friend scale.

On one hand, he felt an impulsive need to defend Rin’s honor. On the contrary, he also knew that he didn’t have to care about anyone else’s opinions. Rin’s views and his own were the only ones that mattered.

So when they reached the destination and went on to prepare for the competition, he kept a smile on his face, stepped back whenever Rin wanted to storm out, and followed him right after to calm him down again. And it worked. Rin’s breathing eventually became calmer and steadier beside him, and then Aiichirou was offered yet another cautious, apologetic look. He smiled back.

*

Just as Aiichirou had gotten used to the steadily growing feeling of tranquility, hell broke loose in the evening.

Aiichirou was already in bed in the hotel room, when the door was abruptly opened and then slammed shut. He got downright frightened by the way Rin stormed in. He was shaking and panting and, by the looks of it, furiously trying not to cry.

”Senpai! What is it?” Aiichirou exclaimed, sitting up on the bed, immediately worried. He knew Rin had been talking with Seijuurou; after all, he himself had told Rin that the captain had been looking for him earlier.  
Rin rubbed his teary eyes in rage. ”Fucking Mikoshiba. Fucking. Prick.”  
Aiichirou got even more distraught. ”What?!”  
”He won’t let me enter the relay.” Rin hit the wall with his fist and groaned in anger. ”Shit!”  
”Don’t, you’ll hurt yourself”, Aiichirou winced instinctively.

He could barely take Rin’s words in. Seijuurou had demanded him to skip the relay. Why would he do that?

Rin ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, not knowing what to do with his hands other than punch the wall. ”Why couldn’t he just tell me to get my shit together? Why throw me out of the team straight away?”  
”What did he say exactly?” Aiichirou asked cautiously.  
”That I’m not focused enough. That I’m not in my top condition.” Rin laughed bitterly. ”This is just what I was afraid of. I knew this would happen. I can’t fucking do this.”

Rin slumped down to sit on his bed and buried his face into his hands. Aiichirou looked at him with pity. This seemed unfair. But Seijuurou must have had his reasons to think that Rin wasn’t in his best –

 _Wait._ Aiichirou froze. Horror crashed over him. Before he could think it through, he burst out: ”He mustn’t think that because I s–”  
He swallowed the rest.

Rin looked up, brows knitted tightly. He glared at Aiichirou with anger and misery storming in his eyes.  
”What?” he asked. ”What did you say?”  
No answer. Aiichirou bit his lip. He shouldn’t have said that.

Rin’s expression changed. Suddenly he seemed calm, dangerously calm. And anything but.

”What. Have. You. Said. To him?” he hissed with a low voice, accenting every word.

Aiichirou had no words to answer to him with, but being stared like that, he couldn’t stay quiet either.  
”He came to me, asking what’s been up with you lately”, he said, swallowing hard. ”All I said was that you’re stressed about the regionals, the relay and everything. That’s all. Maybe he thought...”

His voice faded out. Rin was completely still for a couple of seconds, eyes glued on Aiichirou.

”So it was your fault.”

Rin’s expression was the coldest Aiichirou had ever seen.

Then Rin jumped up and exploded. ” _Your_ fault!” he roared. ”You _fucking idiot!_ Why the hell would you think it’s a good idea to say something like that to the _captain?!_ ”  
”I didn’t think!” Aiichirou winced. ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to –”  
”I’m entirely capable of swimming, but now he thinks I’m not”, Rin continued without listening to him, pacing around the room like an enraged beast in a cage. ”Thanks to you!”  
”He – he said – I tried to _defend_ you!”

Rin stopped and looked at him, not even the slightest bit calmer yet. ”Defend me?” he spat.  
”I wanted to tell him that you have the right to be a bit moody”, Aiichirou said, even though he knew no explanation would really be of any help now. ”Please believe me, I didn’t mean it to lead to this –”

A fist slammed into the wall again. ”Didn’t I tell you that I don’t need your pampering? I should’ve known you’d never be nothing more than a nuisance!”

At this point Aiichirou had no way to defend himself. And to be honest, after those words, he didn’t even try. He felt paralyzed. He sat on his bed, head hanging low, biting his lip, squeezing the blanket so hard that his knuckles turned white. He didn’t want to cry. He _did not want_ to cry.

Rin marched towards the door and started putting his shoes on. Aiichirou immediately realized that Rin was going out to run his anger off. In an unfamiliar city and in a state like that, that was not a good idea. He jumped up from the bed. ”Senpai, you can’t go out this late! Tomorrow’s a competition day, you have to rest –”  
”Do you seriously think you have any right to tell me what I’m allowed to do and what I’m not?” Rin snarled.  
Aiichirou swallowed and took a step towards Rin, forcing his voice to stay as calm as he could. ”You still have your 100 meter free. He didn’t make you withdraw from that, did he?”

Rin stopped. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t continue fumbling with his shoes, either. That was a good sign.

”You _have_ to calm down”, Aiichirou said, walking closer to Rin. ”Please, senpai.”  
”Stay away from me.”

The tone of his voice was threatening. Aiichirou stilled.

They stood in a tense, electrifying silence for a while. Rin was entirely ice cold, but he didn’t move.

At last, Rin kicked the shoes off his feet and walked back to his bed with rigid footsteps, sitting down on it with his back towards Aiichirou. Aiichirou hesitated. He wanted to say something to comfort Rin, but any choice of words could be a wrong one. He could easily just worsen the situation.

Rin inhaled and exhaled slowly.  
”Let’s go to sleep, then”, he grunted. It was clear he still hadn’t forgiven anything.

Aiichirou also let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He crawled back to his bed quietly, afraid to make a sound, because basically anything could make Rin lose his temper again.

Rin’s breathing was agitated for a long time. He lay with his back strictly turned to Aiichirou. Now that he was facing the other way and his cold glare wasn’t on Aiichirou anymore, the younger boy felt an enormous rush of anxiety. The danger was over, they were both safely in bed, but Aiichirou’s mind worked on overdrive. 

He knew it was typical to Rin to say worse things than he meant to when he was upset. But it hurt.

And it wasn’t just Rin’s words. He had fucked up. Just when he had started to gain Rin’s trust, he had managed to make things many times worse.

As he waited for his thoughts to calm down and allow him to fall asleep, Aiichirou hoped that Rin didn’t notice his shaky breaths and the silent sobs that escaped from him.


	7. "Practice with me again tomorrow."

Rin left the hotel room early in the morning. He tried to move as silently as he could, but Aiichirou, who had slept lightly for the whole night, woke up to the sounds of his movements anyway. He stayed in bed and pretended to be asleep until the door was closed, though. He needed a moment before he would be able to face Rin again.

Soon after Rin was gone, Aiichirou got up, got dressed and left the room. As he walked on the overly soft wall-to-wall carpets of the halls of the hotel, he tried not to listen to the echoes of Rin’s outburst from last night inside his head. The fight troubled him a lot, but he knew that the worst part of the storm would pass soon if he gave it time. Rin was always shouting first and thinking later. There wasn’t really much Aiichirou could do about it. But he could try one thing to make things better.

Seijuurou’s reaction to his words, of course, was just as he had expected. ”I made a decision and I’m not going to change my mind”, the captain said arms crossed, strict expression on his face.

Aiichirou felt discouraged, but didn’t want to admit it this early. His personality might have been often described as rather shy and easily shocked, but giving up too easily wasn’t one of his vices.

”I think you made the wrong decision”, he said, glaring defiantly up at Seijuurou, even though his voice was trembling. ”Matsuoka-senpai is one of the best swimmers in Samezuka and you know it!”  
”I do know. But it’s not just about being skilled.”  
”Swimming in the relay is so important to him, you can’t take that away from h–”  
”Nitori.”

Seijuurou’s voice was low. Aiichirou fell silent. Seijuurou was looking at him with a deep frown on his face.

”Why are you so eager to defend Matsuoka?” Seijuurou asked. There was a peculiar expression on his face. It was a hard one to interpret.  
Aiichirou swallowed and avoided the captain’s eyes. ”He – he’s – my friend. He deserves to be recognized for what he does.”  
”Even though he doesn’t recognize you for what you do?” Seijuurou asked quietly. ”Even though he takes you as granted?”

From the bottom of his heart, Aiichirou wanted to tell Seijuurou that he was wrong, that the captain didn’t really know Rin. But Rin’s furious words piercing the silence of the hotel room suddenly flashed in his mind again. His chest ached. For a moment, it was hard for him to stand up for his beliefs.

What if Seijuurou actually saw the situation better than he did? What if Aiichirou really was just a useless toy that Rin would play with in one moment and kick into a corner in the next? What if defending someone who could do such a thing really was a stupid, reckless, self-destructive thing to do? What if he’d end up hurting himself? He had honestly not thought about that much. Rin was so much more important.

”You can never understand it”, Aiichirou said, sadness in his voice. ”You don’t see Matsuoka-senpai as I see him.”

Then he turned his back and walked away.

*

Aiichirou spent the last moments before the competition acting like everything was normal and offering fruitless words of encouragement to Rin, even though all he got in return was more anger. He sat in the audience when it was Rin’s turn to swim, making sure he was the loudest one cheering him on. He owed Rin at least that much.

The cheering didn’t help much, though. There was no prettier way to put it; Rin’s performance was worse than ever.

Rin could barely hold himself together as he got up from the pool, and Aiichirou knew it was partly his fault. He had managed to hurt Rin just as he had started to win his trust and just when Rin really needed some support. After that, he had even failed at his attempt to persuade the captain to change his mind. If he had succeeded at that, maybe Rin wouldn’t have been as discouraged and shaken as he was now.

Aiichirou had trouble breathing as he watched Rin struggle. He felt like crying, not for himself but for Rin, but he couldn’t do that. Not now.

Fully aware of the reaction he would cause, Aiichirou refused to listen to his sense of self-preservation and dashed after Rin right after he saw him leaving the dressing rooms. He did not have much to say that would make Rin listen to him, but he had to at least try. He knew he was acting like one of those stupid heroes on TV who walked into a haunted house or ran into a burning building against common sense. Except this was real world and he wasn’t a hero at all and running into a fire made a lot more damage than it did on TV.

Rin’s outburst was so violent that even though fear had never been a feeling Aiichirou had had around Rin, now it took over him momentarily. He wasn’t afraid Rin would do anything to him, that wasn’t the case – Rin just seemed so incapable of controlling himself and his rage that Aiichirou was afraid he’d do damage to himself.

Aiichirou had never ever even imagined that Rin would be willing to give up swimming, but Rin’s frustrated ” _I quit_ ” was loud and clear. It was like a slap to Aiichirou’s face.

As if that wasn’t enough, when Rin stormed off and Aiichirou was left staring after him, he suddenly realized that the whole Iwatobi relay team was standing behind him.

They had heard everything. Aiichirou shuddered at the thought that his inability to calm Rin down had been witnessed by several people – let alone the fact that it happened to be their opponent team. Worse than that. They were the people that had once been closer to Rin than he was. The ones that had once made Rin happy – a thing he had never learned how to do.

Aiichirou glanced at the group of boys. All of them looked frightened and worried, but the pure shock on Haru’s face was something entirely else. It was completely heartbroken.

Once again Aiichirou’s heart was stung by the thought that even if he spent all of his time with Rin, somehow Nanase Haruka always managed to hold the front row seat to Rin’s feelings. As did Rin to Haru’s.

He turned away and ran after Rin, yet again. But even though he caught up with him at the hall, all he could do was watch Rin’s back as he walked out of the building without a moment’s hesitation.

Aiichirou felt powerless. The most of all, he felt guilty. He had no idea how to say anything that would bring Rin back to his senses, and that feeling of helplessness felt worse than any of Rin’s words. No matter how much he tried, he felt Rin slipping through his fingers time and time again.

*

After the relay started, Aiichirou hadn’t sat in the audience with the rest of the Samezuka group for long before someone asked where Rin was. The question wasn’t directed to Aiichirou alone, but many faces turned to his direction, as if expecting him to know about Rin’s whereabouts. Aiichirou just shrugged. He didn’t remove his eyes from the swimmers that were currently getting up from the pool, even though they weren’t actually that interesting to him. He barely saw what was happening down there as he sank deep in his thoughts. He was worried. Where had Rin gone? To Samezuka? Or was he somewhere wandering around, aimlessly, alone?

When the next heat came up and it was the Iwatobi team’s turn to swim, it took Aiichirou multiple seconds before he registered what he saw. He saw Rin.

Collective gasp came from the Samezuka’s people. Aiichirou’s heart started to pound.

He could not grasp this. It seemed like Rin was going to swim in the Iwatobi team, replacing Ryugazaki Rei, but how had this happened? Had Rin’s former friends managed to persuade Rin to come back after all? Had it been Haru? How?

But oh, how Rin swam.

Aiichirou’s breath caught when he watched it. Rin had suddenly come alive again; after weeks of mediocrity, he was finally back to his usual self and his unfettered, explosive strength. He seemed in total control of every movement of his tensing, working muscles.

”He’s swimming seriously now”, someone from Aiichirou’s side said amazed. ”What happened?”

Even though the situation was absurd and Aiichirou wasn’t sure what to think about it, he couldn’t help feeling a warm gleam in his heart.

This was the Rin he admired. Determined, powerful, passionate being, who seemed to be born to be in the water and who did not let anything to come between him and his dream. Suddenly Aiichirou remembered how he had felt the very first time he had seen Rin swim. Rin’s body moved so smoothly it was beautiful to watch. It wasn’t just swimming. It was something greater, more magical.

At the same time, his heart ached. He realized that the only people who were able to awaken this side of Rin were the Iwatobi guys.

But when he saw Rin’s smiling genuinely after the race and embracing Haru, Makoto and Nagisa, all four of them crying and laughing at the same time, Aiichirou had to smile, too. Although his smile was sad.

Those three were so, so important persons to Rin. Who was he to fight against it? It was a rare and amazing thing that a bond that deep formed between four people. He should’ve been happy for them.

Even though it hurt to know more and more surely that in Rin’s eyes, he would never compare to Haru.

*

When the sun had almost set and the ferment caused by the competition had cooled down, the students of Samezuka gathered to get ready to leave, and Rin stepped up in front of Seijuurou.

Only a few hours ago, Rin had said he’d quit with fury in his voice; now as he asked to be kicked out from the club, his tone was completely different. Quitting the club wasn’t a way to run from his problems anymore, it was a way to take responsibility for his actions.

Seijuurou accepted the apology, but declined the request to be expelled. As Aiichirou watched the captain walk away, he felt just as relieved as he believed Rin felt. If someone who loved swimming as much as Rin did had actually had to quit the club in Samezuka... It was an impossible thing to even think about.

”Nitori. Er... Ai.”

Aiichirou, who had turned his face to Rin as soon as the boy had opened his mouth, froze still. The footsteps of Seijuurou and the rest were moving further and further away, but he couldn’t move at all. He could barely notice anything but Rin’s awkward, guilty expression, and the name he had just used.

_Ai._

Aiichirou couldn’t wrap his mind around the word. It echoed in Aiichirou’s head as if it was the strangest thing he had never heard in his life. Strangest, and the most wonderful at the same time.

”Practice with me again tomorrow”, Rin said. It was there again; the apologetic look that begged Aiichirou to be able to interpret the things Rin couldn’t find the words to express.

_Ai. Ai. Ai._

A wide smile suddenly took over Aiichirou’s face. ”Yes, Rin-senpai!”

Rin looked at him for a long while, as if he was taking a moment to get used to being called by his first name. Aiichirou just kept smiling back. He couldn’t keep his joy hidden.

After all the mood changes throughout this competition trip and all the heavy words and worries, now there were waves of relief and affection surging inside of him. Rin had apologized to him. Rin got to continue in the swim team. All was well.

And Rin had just called him Ai.

It was more than he had ever dared to expect.

When they went after the rest of the team, Aiichirou lagged behind on purpose for a moment to be able to wipe his eyes on the sleeve of his jacket. So what if he was acting like a love-struck main character of a cheesy romance novel. He was undeniably love-struck. And right now he allowed himself to bathe in this feeling.

He caught up to his senpai and adjusted the pace of his footsteps to match Rin’s.

*

As soon as they got into their dorm room back in Samezuka, Aiichirou started to unpack his bag – or rather, take his belongings out of it and put them on his desk in a disorganized manner. Rin, on the other hand, just left his own bag lying on the floor after digging up some coins from its front pocket. He straightened up and looked at Aiichirou. ”I’m heading out to buy some soda. Tag along.”

Aiichirou stopped bustling with his stuff and looked at Rin with a somewhat surprised expression, but nodded without hesitation. He followed Rin through the quieting halls of the dorm and outside, to the same place where they had already shared a private conversation once before. That time seemed distant now, as if it had happened an eternity ago.

”What a day”, Rin sighed as he pushed coins into the vending machine and pushed its buttons. It wasn’t a sad sigh, but a bit tired one.  
”Mm”, Aiichirou hummed, sitting down on the bench opposite of the machine. ”You surprised everyone. It was an amazing relay to watch.”  
Rin snorted. ”I’m glad Mikoshiba didn’t flip out.”  
”Yeah. I was afraid he’d actually kick you out. He’s a good captain, but he can be strict.”

Rin reached down to pick up the beverage cans and then turned around holding them in his hands, without looking Aiichirou in the eyes. He seemed uneasy all of a sudden.

”He actually told me later that he had several reasons to overlook that stunt I pulled”, he said quietly. ”One of them was that he had heard with his own two ears when I apologized to you properly. I guess he wanted to prove a point... That I should be more considerate towards others.”

Rin stretched his arm out to give one of the cans to Aiichirou, eyes still glued to the ground. Aiichirou was too taken aback to react. ”Did – did captain really say that?”  
Rin nodded and lifted the can in his hand higher to Aiichirou’s field of view. ”Ai, this.”  
”Oh!” Aiichirou took the drink. ”Thank you... Rin-senpai.”

Both of them were silent for a moment and just drank. Rin leaned his back against the vending machine. Aiichirou got absorbed in his thoughts and his gaze got stuck on the beverage he held in his hands. The can was so cold and moist that his fingertips left marks on its surface.

Seijuurou had considered Rin’s behavior towards Aiichirou so important that he had let it affect his decision on whether or not he’d allow Rin to stay in the club. Aiichirou wasn’t sure how to react to that. The humble side of him was kind of embarrassed about getting so much attention he hadn’t asked for, but at the same time he could only feel grateful. Seijuurou was even more loyal to his club members than he had thought.

”I’ve been really messed up lately”, Rin suddenly confessed with a quiet, insecure voice.

Aiichirou lifted his gaze form the can and onto the redhead, who was absentmindedly drawing a circle on the ground with the tip of his shoe.

”I didn’t even realize _how_ messed up, until today...” Rin swallowed. ”The Iwatobi guys... They woke up something in me. Knocked some sense into me. This is a one big goddamn cliche, but it feels like... some kind of a wall has been teared down, or something.”

Aiichirou’s fingers tightened around the can. He could not hold back a question: ”The Iwatobi guys or Nanase-san?”

Rin stared into nothingness for a long time, maybe not only to figure out what words to pick, but also to wonder what really was the truth.

”All of them”, he finally said. ”Ryugazaki included. It was his idea to put me in his place. He scored some points from me with that...” Rin gave an awkward chuckle, running his fingers through his hair. ”But I can’t deny that Haru’s opinion made the most difference.”

The answer wasn’t at all surprising, but the tone Rin delivered it with made Aiichirou’s eyes fixate on him for a long time. Before, Rin had always had that fierce, bitter, endlessly forceful tone in his voice every time Haru was even mentioned. Now there was no sign of it. He spoke more calmly, more simply. As if he had finally gotten an answer to something he had spent the last several years looking for.

However, somehow that new tone of voice was even even harder to interpret than the old one. It was warm, but what was its direction? It may have been because what had once been a red-hot flare was now cooling down, dying out, fading into a mellower and steadier warmth – bringing Rin’s emotions from rough, unsatisfactory passion to simple, platonic caring. Or was it the opposite, was Rin only now allowing his icy cover to fall and let his real feelings for Haru rise into the surface?

Aiichirou considered the idea of just asking. Maybe it would not be that hard to find out the truth, after all. Something about the darkness of the late evening, Rin’s soft voice and the serenity of the moment made Aiichirou feel safe enough to almost open his mouth. _Be honest with me, senpai. What is Haru to you?_

At that precise moment, Rin continued talking.  
”I should thank you.”

Aiichirou startled, and all of his previous thoughts disappeared from his mind. ”M-me?”

Rin glanced at him sideways. ”For the last few months. You’ve kept me... well, somewhat sane.” He silenced to take a sip of his drink, but Aiichirou knew he wasn’t finished speaking. The younger boy sat silently, waiting, heart pounding.

Finally Rin gave a strained, uneasy chuckle. ”This may sound harsh, but sex helps. Not having to think for a while.”

Aiichirou exhaled briefly as his tension eased. So Rin was only talking about that and nothing more. He shook his head at his senpai. ”No, it’s not harsh. I get it. It’s only natural.”  
There had, after all, been countless times when Aiichirou himself had been physically intimate with Rin to make himself feel better emotionally.

Rin looked at him with his eyebrows raised. ”Somehow it still surprises me how chill you are about all this.”  
Aiichirou shrugged dismissively, but didn’t look Rin into the eyes. ”Why wouldn’t I be?”

Another silence followed. Both of them just drank for a while. Aiichirou wasn’t even halfway through the can. He was so swallowed by the conversation that he barely remembered to take a sip every now and then. He wasn’t that thirsty for the beverage, he was more thirsty to hear Rin speak.

He wondered if he should say something. Maybe he should continue on the topic, or just lighten the mood somehow. But on the other hand, the silence between them wasn’t an unpleasant one. Darkness around them and fatigue inside of them had disarmed them both. No unnecessary conflicts or insecurities. Just the comfort of the other person’s presence.

Rin’s next words made Aiichirou forget about everything else around him.

”To be honest, it’s not just because of the sex. You’ve tried to cheer me up again and again and been unbelievably patient. Even when I get mad at you for something that isn’t your fault... I’ve noticed your effort, but... well, you know how bad I am at showing gratitude. But I know for the fact that I would be even more messed up if you weren’t around.” Rin looked straight into Aiichirou’s eyes. ”So I’m saying it now. Thank you, Ai.”

Aiichirou gasped.

The rare words of appreciation and Rin’s low, soft voice, combined with the name Aiichirou had definitely not gotten used to yet, made his eyes instantly and inevitably water. A sob escaped from him before he could do anything about it. He quickly put his can down on the bench and buried his face into his hands. ”Senpai, that’s too much...!”

Peeking through his fingers with teary eyes, Aiichirou saw that Rin became visibly abashed. The boy rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. ”Hn... Don’t cry, alright? It’s a bit embarrassing...”

Aiichirou’s body was already prepared to cry but as he suppressed it, a sudden soft laughter came from him in its stead. It came out as a light and bubbly giggle, relieving Aiichirou’s tension. He wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes, looking at Rin and grinning teasingly. ”I don’t think you’re in any position to say anything about crying, senpai.”

Rin’s face was worth seeing. His embarrassment immediately disappeared and he just looked deeply offended, though with a glint of amusement. ”Fuck you!”

Knowing that Rin wasn’t serious with his umbrage, Aiichirou stood up, still snickering. He took a couple of light, lingering footsteps towards Rin, until he was able to hook his fingers onto his belt loops. ”Yes, please”, he cooed with his head tilted innocently. ”I’d like that.”

Rin stared at him, mouth left half-open. He looked both stunned and impressed at the same time. ”What the hell, Ai, where did all that sass come from?”  
Aiichirou laughed some more. ”I’m just in a good mood.”

He pressed his whole body against Rin playfully. Rin glanced around briefly to be sure there was no-one around to witness this. Then he put his arms around Aiichirou while Aiichirou’s moved to wrap around the back of Rin’s neck, a set of fingertips brushing over the skin.

Rin shivered. ”Why are your hands so cold?” he gave a halfhearted complain.  
”Because the can was cold”, Aiichirou smiled against Rin’s neck. ”Senpai... thank you for speaking your mind. I know how difficult that can be.”  
Rin didn’t say anything. He wasn’t able to.

Aiichirou wondered how it felt to Rin to hug him like this. For him, it felt ridiculously good and he would’ve liked to stay like this for the rest of the night, but he knew their relationship wasn’t like that. So he turned the sign of affection into a more straightforward flirting, because that kind of thing was way more acceptable between them. He let his breath tickle Rin’s ear and gave his earlobe a light nip with his front teeth. His body squirmed ever so slightly against Rin’s.

Rin let out a quiet, content growl and rolled their hips together. His hands ran lower onto Aiichirou’s clothed ass. ”Hnnh – let’s go back inside”, Rin said. His voice was low and breathy.

Aiichirou was more than happy to oblige.

The half-empty soda cans were forgotten somewhere around the vending machine.

Aiichirou wasn’t sure if it was just a really convincing illusion built by his own mind – born from the feelings he had had for so long, grown bigger every time he had told himself to feel less, agitated every time Rin’s skin had touched his own and eventually turned impossible to ignore just a moment ago, in the artificial light of the vending machine and with Rin’s velvety voice caressing his ears –

– or if Rin actually undressed him slower than ever before, if their bodies lay down on the mattress with more devotion, if their fingers entwined with each other by someone’s decision or just happened to touch by chance.

Their eyes met and Aiichirou thought in the back of his mind that after everything they had been through together, this was somehow more intimate than anything they had ever done. After the earlier conversation, everything felt more open and personal to Aiichirou. As if they were a little more naked in front of each other in some sense of the word.

Rin kissed Aiichirou’s neck, collar bones, chest. The little brushes of teeth in between kisses weren’t as rough as they usually were.

Maybe carefulness was Rin’s way to compensate for the way he had treated Aiichirou before. Or maybe Rin didn’t do it intentionally. Maybe Aiichirou just imagined all of it. But it felt good.

Aiichirou gasped at the thought of how amazing it would be to push Rin’s hair away from his face and be kissed on the mouth, carefully, deeply.

But that wasn’t going to happen, not as long as Rin didn’t want it to – which meant it probably never would. So Aiichirou settled for panting against Rin’s neck, wrapping his arms around the back of his neck and crossing his ankles behind the strong back.

He let the shared skin contact, the movements of their hips and their gasps to take him away from the reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How nice it would be to end this fic this happily, but HA. I’m not finished. Next up: season two. Don’t let Ai’s current joy deceive you...


	8. ”Nothing surprises me anymore if it’s you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know you guys are expecting more immediate angst... but first I’ve got to deal with the fact that all Rin’s delicious canon angst is miraculously gone on the second season. Great for him, challenging for me. I must confess I’m currently a little bit stressed out about how I’m going to continue this fic, keeping it both canon compliant and faithful to what Boy Toy’s essence is... Ugh. But I’ll make it work!! o9
> 
> So anyway, things are still good for a while. Which is a good thing for now, right? Right??

After the regionals, things took a big leap for better for Rin.

Days went by just as ordinarily as always, but every once in a while Aiichirou stopped to think and realized just how much Rin had changed. The recent events had woken him up from a slumber. He talked more, joked more and tolerated many things he normally would’ve gotten pissed off about. His basic character was still as temperamental and stubborn as it had always been, but now it wasn’t constantly accompanied by that heavy hood of anxiety.

Rin also started to spend time with the guys from Iwatobi. Aiichirou was jealous at first. Of course he was. There had never been anything simple about Haru’s existence for Rin, thus it wasn’t simple for Aiichirou.

However, things were different now. Where the old Rin had been quite secretive about his relationship with the Iwatobi team and had only given Aiichirou bits and pieces about his thoughts, now he was more open. Sometimes he told Aiichirou brightly about the evenings he spent with the whole gang at Haru’s place, or how they all went to the Swim Club together to train, but ended up just playing around in the water. It all sounded innocent and casual and happy.

Still, Aiichirou couldn’t get rid of all of the jealousy that kept sitting on his heart. How could he be sure Rin just simply didn’t tell him the parts he didn’t think were any of his business? Like, for example, the parts where he was alone with Haru. Rin was very protective over his privacy after all. He had called Aiichirou his friend several times now, but why would he tell a mere friend about anything that happened in the privacy of Haru’s house, behind closed doors, after everyone else was gone?

But when Haru and the rest came to Samezuka for a joint practice, Aiichirou got a chance see the difference between the current situation and the past one. Rin was talking and laughing more freely with his old friends than with anyone else, that was a fact. But that was all.

Rin had calmed down. Haru had calmed down. They were no longer at each other’s throats at all times. And the longer Aiichirou kept staring at them, the clearer it became to him that there was no flare in Rin’s eyes anymore when he looked at Haru. Their relationship seemed more like a normal friendship now, even though they still had some trouble understanding each other’s ways of acting sometimes.

Aiichirou could not be absolutely sure about what was going on in Rin’s head – he would probably never be, because Rin’s thoughts were complicated and not that easy to understand – but at least he knew more than he had before. Rin felt better. That was enough.

And Rin’s warmth towards others didn’t mean there was none left for Aiichirou. On the contrary, even when Rin was accompanied by the Iwatobi guys, he never ignored Aiichirou completely if he happened to be around. Rin included him in conversations, stood by his side and told him what was so funny about an old inside joke between himself and Nagisa.

And Rin kept calling him Ai. In front of everyone else. It was a small thing, a sign of friendship before anything else, but at the same time it was the most meaningful thing in the world for Aiichirou.

*

One night after the practice, Rin came back to the dorm room a little later than usually. Aiichirou was buried in his homework at his usual mess of a desk and didn’t pay that much attention to Rin’s appearance. That was until Rin sat down on his bed, took a deep breath and said with a bemused voice: ”So... Mikoshiba wants to make me the new captain of the swim club.”

Aiichirou turned around on the chair with wide eyes. ”What?!” he shrieked. ”That – that’s amazing, senpai!”

The expression in Rin’s eyes when they met Aiichirou’s was uncertain. Then the older boy lowered his gaze to his hands, staring at them unenthusiastically. His face was worried. Aiichirou’s smile faded and turned into a just as worried expression.

”Um... or not?” he asked tentatively.

Rin sighed. ”I guess it is”, he mumbled. ”I just... I don’t understand why Mikoshiba picked me.”  
Aiichirou frowned. ”What are you talking about? Of course he picked you!”

Rin raised his eyebrows at him, but other than that, his anxious expression didn’t change. ”I don’t think I’ve proven myself worthy of being a captain in any way lately. All the racket at the regionals...”  
”Racket or no racket, you are talented”, said Aiichirou without a second’s hesitation. ”If anyone’s good enough to give some advice to the more inexperienced swimmers, it’s you.”  
Rin shrugged. ”Being a captain isn’t just about being a good swimmer.”

Aiichirou was quiet for a while. He wasn’t entirely sure about what Rin thought was the problem. Rin probably didn’t think he wasn’t good enough technically – even with his past struggles, he was undeniably one of the most capable swimmers in Samezuka.

”Mikoshiba was just calling me out for being too rude not that long ago”, Rin blurted. ”I’m not a people person. What makes him think that would be a good basis for captaincy?”

Aiichirou sighed briefly. So that was what this was about.

”You may have temper”, he said honestly, keeping an eye on Rin’s reactions in case he’d get offended, ”but you’re not heartless. And a captain has to be strict at times.”  
Rin snorted, but it wasn’t an aggressive reaction; he was more likely just being overly self-conscious. ”Strict is not the same as rude.”  
”Would you like to talk about what it is you think you lack, then?” Aiichirou suggested cautiously.  
”Easier said than done. I don’t know what it is. It just feels like a bad idea.”  
”Break it down to small pieces”, Aiichirou pushed gently. ”What features do you think a captain has to have?”

Rin thought about it for a while.

”He’d have to responsible, of course”, he said. ”And patient, loyal and... things like that. Mikoshiba is considerate and makes everyone feel like they’re important. And he just knows when someone needs some slack and when they need to be pressured. Not that he’s always been a perfect captain, but I just... argh.”

Aiichirou folded his arms and leaned his elbows over the back of his chair, watching as Rin fought with his thoughts. True, the fiery boy had sometimes been moody and erratic and his anxiety had often erupted as anger. The guilt of it probably made him believe that he didn’t have the features of a captain. Aiichirou disagreed, but that didn’t mean he didn’t understand Rin’s point of view.

”If you feel like you lack something a captain has to have, then go get that something”, Aiichirou said.  
”You say it like it’s easy”, Rin said cynically.  
”I’m pretty sure the more difficult you think it’ll be, the more difficult it’ll be. At the end of the day, a captain only does one thing at a time, too.”

Aiichirou wasn’t sure if his words made sense, but he decided he’d rather try and say something weird than not say anything at all.

Rin was looking at him. ”What do you mean by one thing at a time? Mikoshiba has awfully lot of things and people to take care of.”  
”Yes, it seems like he’s holding a lot in his hands at once”, Aiichirou nodded. ”But if you think of it as singular things instead of one big burden, it’s not at all impossible.”  
”That explanation didn’t help at all.”

Aiichirou frowned again at Rin’s pouting face. He inhaled deeply and continued: ”I think Mikoshiba makes everyone feel important because he just, you know, pays attention to them as important individuals.” He stared at his own hands as he tried to explain it. ”It doesn’t have to be anything big. Mikoshiba says something positive to everyone every day, or at least almost every day. And... sometimes he just asks me if everything’s alright. Just knowing that he cares enough to ask makes me feel good. Which makes him considerate in my eyes. And that makes me want to do my best in his team...”

In the middle of his monologue, Aiichirou suddenly started to feel uncertain. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Rin had already once criticized his ability to give advice.

”Just... an example”, he added quietly, glancing at Rin.

He expected to see Rin sulking and glaring at him, but instead, he was met with bright curious eyes glued into him. Rin still seemed to be somewhat skeptical, but he was listening attentively to Aiichirou’s words, absorbing encouragement from them.

That made Aiichirou feel a lot braver again. He smiled, stood up, walked across the room casually and sat down on the bed next to Rin.  
”Mikoshiba trusts you”, he said. ”Doesn’t that alone prove that you deserve to become the captain?”

Rin shrugged indifferently, but he didn’t seem as hopeless as he had a few minutes ago. He still wasn’t fully convinced, though. ”Mikoshiba has natural positive energy”, he said blandly. ”Meanwhile, I’m often unreasonably cranky. I don’t intend to be mean, but things just... come out wrong. It doesn’t feel good to be like that towards other people. Especially not if they consider me their superior. They’ll hate me.”  
Aiichirou shook his head. ”Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself? It’s true that Mikoshiba got a bit angry at you about your attitude, but since the regionals, you have been considerably nicer to everyone. You’ve made a lot of progress.”

From the way Rin looked at him, it was easy for Aiichirou to sense how important this was to him. His eyes were filled with uncertainty, but also astonishment; cautious kind of hope. ”I have?”  
”You have”, Aiichirou smiled, trying to put every ounce of admiration and trust in his heart into the smile. ”Mikoshiba must have noticed it, too.”

 _I’m proud of you_ , he wanted to add, but suddenly he felt excessively afraid that those words would come out too soft – like words from a proud boyfriend. Once again he would have to be careful not to let the increased positivity of things between them to lure him into acting too sappy. But he was immensely proud of Rin. He had loved every moment of seeing how Rin’s personality had slowly started to change into a warmer one.

”Good to hear”, said Rin with a quiet, soft tone. ”It’s hard to notice those things about yourself, you know? I was scolded for being unfair towards others, so now I’m kind of... oversensitive about it.”  
”I understand”, Aiichirou said.  
”Thank you for saying all that.”  
”No problem.”

Aiichirou was genuinely happy that his words were of any help. Rin obviously needed support and acceptance to get used to the thought of being a captain. Aiichirou was glad to assist with that.

Aiichirou himself thought that it was absurd of Rin to not see himself in the captain’s position. He was a talented, ambitious, dedicated swimmer, who was surely going to become a successful professional athlete – it would be a privilege for the younger students to learn from him. He also had the natural aura of authority needed for keeping up the order. Besides, Aiichirou knew that feeling united with the swim team meant a lot to him. If Rin made that into a motivator for himself, he’d surely become an outstanding leader. Aiichirou had the feeling that a responsibility like that would do Rin good. The part of it that would be personally challenging for Rin would surely help him grow.

”You will make it. I don’t have the smallest doubt about that”, Aiichirou said. ”Just keep in mind why you swim.”  
”For the team”, Rin whispered more to himself than to Aiichirou.

While watching Rin, Aiichirou imagined for the first time what it would be like to see Rin taking Seijuurou’s part in the club. Giving out instructions, gathering people up for meetings, talking with a strict voice. Standing at the edge of the pool with his arms crossed. Making decisions. Choosing the participants in the competitions. Giving pep talks and patting team members on the back. Taking part in the dumbest inside jokes.

It wasn’t all that difficult to imagine, actually. In fact, Aiichirou could hardly wait until he’d see Rin walking around the pool with his head held high, bursting with pride. The pool used to be his playground. Now it would be his kingdom.

”Thank you for cheering me on”, Rin said after a long pause. ”I guess I’ll just need to... think about this for a while.”  
Aiichirou nodded. ”Sure.”

They stayed in a peaceful silence for a long time. Rin lay down on his back on the bed; his thoughts were clearly wandering somewhere far. Aiichirou let his gaze rest on Rin now that the older boy wasn’t paying attention to him. He could not get enough of the sight of that beautiful body. The muscular arms were folded under his head. The familiar loose tank top showed a generous amount of chest and shoulders. The hem of it had climbed up his body for a few inches, leaving the beautiful arches of his hipbones and his perfectly kissable-looking lower stomach visible.

Aiichirou could not understand how it was possible to repeatedly become this enchanted by someone he saw every single day.

”You’re staring at me”, Rin suddenly cut through the silence.

Aiichirou startled and his face flushed red. He could only stutter. Apparently Rin wasn’t that deep in his thoughts after all. ”A-a– eh – I – yeah, maybe?”

Rin sneered lightly, but it didn’t look like he actually minded. He turned his eyes up to stare at the bottom of the top bunk, but otherwise his position stayed unchanged. His face was steady, expressionless. Aiichirou feverishly wondered if he should explain himself somehow.

Then Rin glanced at him from the corner of his eye. ”So... wanna have sex?”  
Aiichirou couldn’t help it; the casualness of the question made him laugh. ”Was that your best attempt at seducing me?” he giggled.  
Rin gave him a cold glare. Then he turned on his side to face the wall. ”Suit yourself”, he said with an indifferent voice.  
”No, no.” Aiichirou hurried to crawl closer to Rin on the bed, unable to stop chuckling. ”It’s just, usually you don’t ask first. But I _am_ up for it.”  
”Was that _your_ best attempt at seducing me?” Rin muttered.

Aiichirou laughed. He could see that even though Rin was acting all sulky, he was not actually offended. It felt good to realize that at this point, they had become close enough that even in a potentially awkward situation like this, Aiichirou dared to downright laugh at Rin’s moping face.

He leaned on his side, pressing his body against Rin’s back, and wrapped his arm around the strong upper body. Aiichirou knew that the way his fingers moved on the steadily rising chest would soon make Rin shiver.

”I’m just a bit tired”, Rin explained quietly, even though Aiichirou hadn’t asked for an explanation. ”I’m not in a creative enough mood to play any extra games.”  
Aiichirou stopped his hand from moving and leaned up enough to be able to see the side of Rin’s face. ”Uh, you’re not obligated to have sex with me if you’re tired”, he said, sincerely baffled.  
Rin glanced at him sideways. ”Not that tired.”

If the plea on Rin’s face hadn’t appeared so ridiculously cute to Aiichirou, he would’ve probably frowned upon his indecency. But he had never been good at resisting this boy.

”I’m more than fine with skipping the extra games”, he said, bringing his hand downwards from Rin’s chest, until it met with the bare flesh between the hem of the tank top and the sweatpants. He stopped to enjoy the fascinating contrast between the soft skin and the hard muscles beneath. Rin’s body relaxed and straightened up a bit, allowing Aiichirou to touch him more easily.

Aiichirou’s wrist rested on the sharp hipbone for a few more seconds, before he gently pushed his hand under the elastic material of Rin’s pants and underwear.

Rin wasn’t hard yet, but Aiichirou’s careful fingers changed that quickly. Rin began breathing heavily. Listening to the quiet gasps, feeling the slight twitches of Rin’s body and waiting for the next part made all the blood in Aiichirou’s body gather in one certain spot between his legs, too.

Eventually Rin turned around and pushed Aiichirou onto his stomach. The younger boy squirmed and panted impatiently through the following part. Tube being opened, clothes being pushed aside, fingers pushing into him, the attention-demanding hardness pressing against his skin – all of that was a euphoric blur.

Aiichirou was lying flat on the mattress, when Rin supported himself by tucking one of his arms under Aiichirou’s neck. The forearm pressed against Aiichirou’s throat without Rin noticing it; Rin’s mind was pretty much occupied with using his other hand to guide his dick in. Aiichirou startled at the unintended discomfort first. But then Rin’s muscles tensed and his hold of the smaller boy’s neck tightened a little as he thrust. A muffled moan erupted from Aiichirou.

A _pleased_ moan.

It felt dangerous and risky and God, so hot. It felt _good_.

Rin quickly realized the discomfort caused by his arm and started to move it away quickly. ”Ah, shit, Ai, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to –”  
”No”, Aiichirou blurted out. He was a little out of breath. ”Keep doing it. Choke me.”  
”What?” Rin asked, eyes wide with shock. ”Are you sure?”  
”Yes, I’m sure.”  
”You... _like_ it, then?”  
Aiichirou turned his head slightly to look at Rin over his shoulder and grinned dizzily. ”Apparently I do.”  
Rin shook his head softly. ”Nothing surprises me anymore if it’s you”, he chuckled with a low tone. The laughter was quite an impressed one rather than an amused one.

Rin leaned his body entirely against Aiichirou and brought his arm back towards the willingly stretched throat. This time he didn’t put his forearm against it, but only stroked it lightly with his fingers at first. The fingers were gentle, teasing and in no hurry. The anticipation made Aiichirou shiver. He swallowed; Rin definitely felt the movement of his Adam’s apple.

”Grab my wrist if you want me to let go”, Rin murmured.

Then he let his hand take a hold of Aiichirou’s throat, lightly enough to not actually strangle him, but firmly enough to awaken the sense of danger. The hand alone, with no movement from the rest of Rin’s body, was enough to make Aiichirou’s pulse quicken and his cock grow harder.

Rin started to thrust. Hard.

Waves of adrenaline caused by Rin’s dominance and the lack of proper air flow into his lungs stormed inside of Aiichirou, mixing with pleasure. He wasn’t able to moan with the same volume he usually did because of the partially blocked airways, but that didn’t mean he’d be quiet.

Aiichirou’s submission was a turn-on to Rin, just as much as it always was, judging by the very concrete evidence. His light gasps became lower and turned into deep moans. The movements of his hips quickened without him really noticing, until they were banging against Aiichirou’s ass with an almost merciless pace.

Aiichirou wondered if Rin could feel his pulse racing madly under his hand.

When Rin started to get close to his orgasm, he pulled his hand away and used it to get a proper grip of Aiichirou’s hips for support. Aiichirou took deep, shaky breaths. It felt a little bit like rising to the surface after a long dive into water; his lungs were relieved for getting out of the pinch, but somehow breathing was almost too natural and boring compared to how the world seemed like when he looked at it underwater.

Aiichirou could now use his voice properly again. He moaned loudly and clung on to the headboard of the bed, when his penis kept brushing against the sheets and when Rin hit him in just the right spot again, again, again.

When he came, Rin followed him right after.

*

When the Iwatobi gang visited Samezuka for the next time and Seijuurou challenged them into a playful relay, Aiichirou made sure to participate. Not only to do something together with Rin, but also to get used to being around his friends. He had come to the conclusion that doing that would be beneficial; if he wanted Rin to be happy, he might as well get used to the people that made him happy.

Although it was hard for Aiichirou to make any kind of contact with introverted Haru. Makoto and Rei were easier to get along with. Nagisa, on the other hand, actually managed to get on his nerves a little with his liberal use of the name Ai-chan. It made him feel some kind of reverse jealousy; Ai was a name that Rin – and _only_ Rin – used of him.

However, the excitement of swimming in the relay and the joy caused by the positive attention Rin gave him made him quickly forget about such minor issues.

Rin still wasn’t beaming with confidence when Seijuurou pronounced him the new captain in front of the other members of the swim club. But Seijuurou seemed to have faith in Rin, and the rest of the club accepted the information as a no-brainer; nobody was surprised. Aiichirou hoped that Rin noticed the positive reactions around him. He was trusted. He was admired. He was liked.

Later on, Rin told Aiichirou not to call him captain. It was an honor Aiichirou almost didn’t feel like he deserved, but of which he was endlessly happy about. The other club members would have to use an honorific for Rin, but for him, senpai was still senpai. Familiar. Unchanged.

When Rin teased Aiichirou about the possibility of some of the new members surpassing him if he didn’t watch out, his tone of voice was light and soft.

Right now, like this, things were good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Pssst hey just so you know, I have a tumblr sideblog just for things related to my fics. Currently flooded with RinTori. Yay. See ya at [tayeah.tumblr.com](http://tayeah.tumblr.com))


	9. "I said yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember when I first started to plan this fic out and was like ”hmm, I only need about five chapters to deal with season one, which means Sousuke appears in Chapter 6, and the fic will probably be like 8-9 chapters in total...”
> 
> Then my writing style hit puberty or some shit and suddenly everything takes multiple thousand words to deal with and now we’re at Chapter 9 and Rin still hasn’t moved into another dorm room. What.
> 
> Not complaining though, the longer everything takes the longer I get to enjoy writing this c; Even if that means that I still have to make my sweetie bun suffer... sigh.

Yamazaki Sousuke was very tall, very muscular and somewhat intimidating.

Based on what Rin had told Aiichirou about his childhood friend when the said friend had suddenly transferred into his class without a warning, Aiichirou had immediately gotten an image of an ambitious, successful swimmer. But when he actually met Sousuke for the first time in the practice, he was still surprised about his body, trained to utmost perfection, and the aura of confidence around him.

That level of confidence was almost too much. When Aiichirou dared to go introduce himself and Sousuke just glared at him for a long while, he felt like he shrunk. Like he was the outsider, the newcomer appearing into the picture and between two friends, not the other way around.

A thousand panicky thoughts raced in his mind over those few seconds. What if all it took for Sousuke was one glance to decide that Aiichirou was too insignificant to acknowledge? What if he wondered why Rin spent time with such a puny person? What if Sousuke knew about his relationship with Rin and judged him for that? If he thought he was trying to benefit from being the captain’s lap dog?

”Nice to meet you, too”, Sousuke smiled then, and the relief Aiichirou felt almost made him dizzy. Sousuke didn’t hate him.

One could have thought that after being separated for many years, it would be strange for Rin and Sousuke to talk to each other. That wasn’t the case. They seemed to continue right from where they had left off. It was nice to see Rin act like that around someone; open and relaxed. It was obvious that Sousuke was important to him.

Although when Aiichirou thought about it afterwards, he wasn’t entirely sure what he thought about Sousuke’s capability to make Rin get all flustered just by briefly mentioning his interest in Haru. The comment was borderline rude, but more than that, Aiichirou was bothered by Rin’s reaction. As if Sousuke had hit the bull’s eye. As if Rin’s interest in Haru was something to tease him about, in the same way that the swim club members had teased him about Aiichirou before.

Aiichirou masked his uncertainty and assured himself that whatever Sousuke thought he knew, Aiichirou knew better.

*

Rin’s bare upper body tensed as Aiichirou’s arms wrapped around it from behind in the empty locker room.

”Rin-senpai”, Aiichirou said with a soft voice.

The tone he used was a conscious choice; he knew Rin would immediately hear the flirt in it. It was just as light and playful as the fingertips that slid down Rin’s abs and stopped to brush over the waist of the jeans Rin had just put on. It was the first time in several days that Aiichirou got his hands on Rin’s body; he was eager to move them further.

”The others are gone”, Aiichirou whispered. ”I know being in the locker room is kind of risky, but...”

Rin stirred. ”Ai”, he muttered stiffly.

Aiichirou waited. Rin didn’t sound too excited.

”I’d like to, but I can’t”, Rin said.  
”Why not?” Aiichirou asked a little bit too quickly. ”It’s been a while.”  
”I’m in a hurry.”

Aiichirou let his arms fall down from around Rin. The taller boy turned around to face him. As if to compensate for the bluntness of the refusal, he lifted one hand on Aiichirou’s waist and stroked his stomach with his thumb.

”Maybe later?” Rin mumbled. ”I’ve still got things to do tonight... and tomorrow too, actually... I won’t be back until late and I have to get some sleep.”  
”What things?” Aiichirou couldn’t hold back the question. He frowned as he stared up at Rin. ”I’ve noticed you’re often busy these days.”  
”I’ve got a lot of catching up to do with Sousuke”, Rin said. ”And the teachers haven’t been exactly easy on us lately, so we have homework to do.”  
”I could’ve helped you with that if you asked”, Aiichirou blurted.  
Rin quirked an eyebrow. ”You’re a second-year. It’s a lot easier to study with someone who has to do the same homework anyway.” Rin squinted. ”Why are you being so weird?”  
”I’m not. I’ve just been... worried.”

Aiichirou stared at the floor. He didn’t quite know what he was worried about exactly. All he knew was that Rin was spending more time away from him than he had before. Once he had noticed it, he could hardly notice anything else.

”There’s going to be the training with Rei from now on, too”, Rin said.  
Aiichirou blinked. ”Rei? Ryugazaki Rei-san?”  
”Yeah. He has trouble with swimming and he’s asked me to help him. So I’ll be doing that tomorrow evening.”

Aiichirou stared at Rin astounded. Not that much time had passed since Rin had felt threatened by Ryugazaki, no matter how he had tried to hide it. He had cursed Ryugazaki’s name and badmouthed his swimming. Now Rin seemed to have a whole different attitude towards the fellow butterfly swimmer.

”Wow”, Aiichirou finally stuttered. ”I wasn’t expecting that. You’re helping him with butterfly, then?”  
”Actually, he’s decided to get a brief grasp of each of the styles”, said Rin. ”He’s lousy to say the least, but I’m going to make him learn.”  
That sounded more like the Rin he knew. Aiichirou nodded. ”Oh. That’s great.”

Rin’s fingers continued their soft caresses on Aiichirou’s hip area. ”Putting Rei aside, and back to being alone with you... Maybe the day after tomorrow?” Pause. ”Ah, no, that won’t work, either. That’s the only day I have time to study for a test...” His hand stilled all of a sudden and he grimaced at his own words. ”Sorry, that’s not particularly sexy, is it?”  
”It’s okay”, said Aiichirou, swaying his hips lightly to encourage the touch. ”I understand.”

Rin smiled and moved his hand upwards, brushing over Aiichirou’s chest with his fingers, climbing up the side of his neck and finally pushing into his hair. Aiichirou felt the familiar shiver and a warm wave surging over his body. He let out a light gasp. A glimpse of a content smile flashed briefly on Rin’s face.

”Being busy or tired has never been a problem to you before, though”, Aiichirou said with a barely audible voice, staring into Rin’s eyes with a meaningful look. He tilted his head innocently; yet another conscious choice, a habit he had noticed he often used when he wanted to steer Rin’s thought into a certain direction.

But instead of letting himself be steered, Rin pulled his hand off. ”I’m sorry, Ai. Really. I have to go.”

Then Aiichirou was left alone in the echoing locker room.

He had to think the conversation over in his mind to get a proper grasp of it. Rin was acting strange. He had never considered having long days to be a reason not to get intimate. He had often fallen asleep right after, but he had never refused entirely. The only exception was when Rin had been specifically anxious for a while after the last preliminaries. But even then it had only been just momentary and the dry season had ended as soon as Rin had gotten a taste of comfort sex.

Aiichirou was frustrated to say the least. He had no right to expect anything from Rin, but he could not help feeling disappointed.

His skin was tingling where Rin had touched it. Damn it – it had been many, many days since they had been close to each other. His body was requiring attention, and of course when it came to Rin, just a brief light touch was enough to stir him up. He considered the possibility of stepping back to the showers of the locker room to get some immediate relief, but decided against it.

As he was walking to the dorms, Aiichirou realized how apologetic Rin had been about being busy. Apologizing had always been hard for him, but now the word ‘sorry’ had flowed from his mouth easily and softly, sincerely.

At that moment, Aiichirou felt ashamed about his selfishness. Rin had a lot of things to deal with right now, and what was Aiichirou doing? Feeling sorry for himself for missing out on such unimportant things as sex, and moping about not being the center of Rin’s attention. How foolish. He had no right to feel lonely just because Rin had a life on his own.

*

A couple of busy days passed. Rin managed to find time and energy for a passionate, but somewhat hurried moment together after all.

It was good. Not as wild and mind-blowing as it sometimes was, but good, because Rin knew how to flip his switches just as well has he knew how to flip Rin’s. As Aiichirou thought about it afterwards, he came into the conclusion that they were probably on a level of closeness that people tended to reach in a long relationship. They knew each other so well that it didn’t take lots of effort to make each other feel good.

The thought made Aiichirou a little happy.

Now that he had gotten his enormously craved dose of endorphin, he let himself immerse in the positive vibes he was feeling. Things would surely go back to normal soon enough.

*

Then one evening, Rin came to the dorm room late and took a shower. While he started putting on his nightwear, a sentence slipped from his lips in the form of a jovial, harmless statement, but made Aiichirou’s whole mind go blank.

”Sousuke asked me to be his roommate.”

Aiichirou startled – a second, two, three seconds, four. It felt like Rin’s words echoed in the room, but didn’t sink into Aiichirou’s mind.

”What?” he whispered.

”He needs a roommate, and of course he’d prefer someone he knows.”

Singular water drops kept falling from Rin’s newly washed hair, even though he had just dried them with his towel. He looked so familiar and cozy, standing there in his loose pajama pants and with his upper body bare, that it was hard for Aiichirou to combine the sight with the feeling of abnormality inside of him. It was as if Rin was talking in a strange language. Aiichirou could see Rin’s calm expression and overall carefree appearance, hear his words and their light tone, and even understand their meaning on some level – but at the same time, he couldn’t grasp it at all.

”What did you say to him?” Aiichirou asked. His voice was too dry and raspy; he had to swallow.

”I said yes. He’s my best friend. Of course I’ll do it.”

Aiichirou could barely hear Rin anymore. It was like he was watching at this situation from somewhere afar. His mind refused the reality, refused to register any of it.

_I said yes._

_Sousuke asked me to be his roommate.  
I said yes._

All of a sudden, their shared room felt very small and cramped. And still, somehow, empty.

Rin continued talking about the practical matters of the room change with a light, cheerful note, not noticing that Aiichirou’s mind was off its tracks. Aiichirou heard himself speak, heard his own voice saying simple words such as ”okay” and ”right”.

As if any part of this was ‘okay’ or ‘right’.

”By the way, I met Mikoshiba recently and this thing came up. He suggested that you’d be roommates with that little brother of his from now on”, Rin chattered. His face became a bit uneasy. ”He asked... um... He asked if this has something to do with how things are between you and me, but it doesn’t. I don’t quite get why he’d think so.”  
Aiichirou became a bit more aware of his surroundings. ”Huh?”  
”Huh what?”  
”What do you mean you don’t get it?”

The sentence came out too harshly, but he didn’t care.

Rin frowned, sincerely baffled about it. ”Well... I don’t. I haven’t had any problems with you.”

Aiichirou was quiet for a while. He felt despair slowly building up inside of him, strangling him, but he forced it down. Rin didn’t seem to realize what the situation looked like for an outsider’s point of view. Or Aiichirou’s.

”I guess he just assumes that you and I are close”, Aiichirou finally said quietly, eyes drilling holes to the floor. ”And that... you wouldn’t want to switch.” _I assumed that._  
Rin rubbed the back of his neck, also avoiding eye contact. ”Hmm. But it’s not you. You haven’t done anything. This is not a negative thing.”  
”Is that so”, Aiichirou said. His words were restrained.  
”The past year has been nice, but I want to try living with Sousuke for a change.”

 _Aren’t you spending enough time with him already_ , bitter thoughts rose to the surface all of a sudden. Classes, lunch, practice, homework and leisure time – Sousuke got Rin for every moment of the day except for the nights. At night, Rin was here, _at home_ , and even though the occasions when Aiichirou had felt his skin against his own had recently been rare, at least he was there. At least he could take comfort on hearing the familiar soft sound of his breathing while he slept below him.

That would end soon, apparently.

”Okay”, was all he could say.

Rin pulled on a top he used for sleeping while he kept talking. ”Hopefully we won’t get on each other’s nerves much. Me and Sousuke, I mean. He speaks awfully bluntly at times. But then again, so do I...” He chuckled a bit, glancing at Aiichirou with his eyes twinkling. ”Perhaps he knows how to keep his desk in order, unlike some people.”

Aiichirou stared back. Rin was smirking. Rin was joking. Rin didn’t see anything wrong in the picture. It took several seconds before Aiichirou realized he was supposed to at least smile, and even more seconds before his face could follow the thought. He gave a weak, forced laughter, while the reality was stabbing him in the stomach again, again, again.

Rin was leaving him.

Rin was leaving him, and didn’t even realize he was doing so.

When both of them were in their beds and the lights went off, Aiichirou’s mind was still restless.

Even in the middle of desperate thoughts he knew he had no options. He could do nothing but accept this. If Rin was happier as Sousuke’s roommate, of course Aiichirou would let him be that. He knew how positively the black haired boy affected Rin; Rin was always relaxed and in a good mood when Sousuke was around – the way he was at his best. And in the end, there was nothing in the world that Aiichirou wanted more than Rin’s happiness.

Except, of course, _being there_. Being a part of it.

No matter how he tried to feed positive ideas to himself, Aiichirou could not pretend it didn’t hurt to face yet another concrete evidence about his inability to make Rin happy.

Even after Rin had already drifted off, Aiichirou couldn’t fall asleep – not even though he could hear the familiar, soft, usually so comforting sound of Rin’s breathing from the bottom bunk.

*

So Rin left. With no worry in the world, not getting why Aiichirou’s eyes were tearing up. Ruffling the silver hair in a friendly manner. Acting as if they hadn’t spent a year getting to know each other very thoroughly, in both physical and mental way. As if he didn’t break a huge part of Aiichirou’s world into pieces as he went.

He was replaced with bright, loud, lively Momotarou, and the room that had been so empty and quiet for a long time now was rarely silent anymore.

Aiichirou did like Momotarou, at least for the most part. But there was a _lot_ of him. His whole presence was somehow so all-encompassing, overwhelming, that it felt like it filled the whole room and made it even more cramped than it already was.

Momotarou wanted the top bunk. Aiichirou had no problem with that, but when he crawled under his blanket for the first time in the bottom bunk – _Rin’s bed_ – his mind was suddenly filled with memories. They felt distant, almost surreal. Had it all actually happened?

Rin exercising on this bed with Aiichirou’s help. Aiichirou’s body being bent over the edge of this bed. Rin touching him, too roughly at first, more tenderly later, then rougher again, although in a much better, righter way. Rin learning with him, trying new things with endless curiosity, exploring all the ways to make Aiichirou’s head spin and toes curl.

Exhausted Rin, fallen asleep with his arm around Aiichirou. Shivering lips, heavy with affection and guilt, touching Rin’s forehead in secret.

The anxious words erupting from Rin’s mouth, the tearful face buried into a pillow. Rin’s relieved, liberated face after the regionals. Rin’s expression when he was just chilling in the room, relaxed and homely, fully comfortable with Aiichirou’s presence.

He was gone.

Aiichirou curled into a ball and closed his eyes tightly. He refused to let any tears fall. He was not going to cry for losing something that had never been his in the first place.

He desperately tried to close his mind from all thoughts, from the loneliness, from Momotarou who was mumbling incoherently in his sleep – trying just to focus on the remains of Rin’s familiar, intoxicating scent in the room. He tried to remind himself that even if it felt like much more, Rin was just a few rooms away. Rin was still the captain of the swim club Aiichirou was part of. He was still senpai. Not everything had ended.

Aiichirou would get used to this. He would survive this. In some way.

*

After the first wave of shock passed, Aiichirou decided that even if Rin didn’t live with him anymore, it wouldn’t necessarily mean they’d diverge more than they already had. Not if he tried hard enough.

The current Rin was nothing like the Rin from last year. He was way friendlier and more patient. He didn’t lash out on Aiichirou, didn’t give him the icy glare, didn’t make him feel like a desperate fool. All in all, Aiichirou felt like should’ve been satisfied with the situation, no matter the things that had changed. Things weren’t _bad_.

But much to his disappointment, he started to notice that he failed more often than succeeded on getting in touch with Rin properly. They rarely spent time together and when they met in practice or similar situation, Rin’s thoughts were always on something else. An irrational fear grew inside of Aiichirou and became very hard to silence.

A big reason for his insecurity was perhaps how naturally Rin spoke to Sousuke. They made plans, laughed and did their stupid secret handshakes together, and meanwhile Aiichirou couldn’t come up with a topic interesting enough to keep Rin’s attention on him for more than half a minute.

Rin did not refuse a conversation. That was not it. If Aiichirou went and asked how he was doing, Rin talked about school or Rei’s progress or the movie he had just watched with Sousuke, and Aiichirou clung on to every smile he was granted.

But on some level, Rin didn’t seem to completely focus on Aiichirou’s presence. They were never alone, and Rin barely noticed if something or someone interrupted Aiichirou when he spoke, leaving his half-finished sentences hanging in the air.

As Aiichirou’s uncertainty grew, he realized he almost missed the old Rin. There had always been a reason for Rin’s rage. This was much harder to get a grasp of. Rin wasn’t mean. Rin didn’t to anything wrong. Everything was fine. Still, they were drifting further and further apart every day.

In some way, getting constantly ignored felt even worse than getting occasionally yelled at. Before, their relationship had been special, even with its problems. Aiichirou had seen and understood Rin in a different way than anybody else had, and Rin had learned to know and appreciate that. Now it felt like Aiichirou had been pushed aside. Someone else had taken over his role.

Aiichirou always felt a little twitchy around Sousuke. This might have been the first time in his life when he honestly didn’t know if he really, really wanted to be someone’s friend, or if he wanted to get as far from that someone as he could. His opinion on Sousuke changed every day, if not between minutes. He was overwhelmed with the mixture of jealousy and admiration.

But he knew it was unfair. Sousuke had done nothing to deserve such a bitter reaction from him, not really. He had never spoken to Aiichirou with rude words or knowingly excluded him from anything. Just the fact that he had appeared and that he enjoyed spending time with Rin wasn’t a reason to think badly about him, not even if it would’ve been so very easy to blame him for all of Aiichirou’s loneliness.

Aiichirou knew he’d have to rise above and just learn to get along with Sousuke, sincerely. There was not even anything brave about doing it; it was something any decent human being should be able to do.

Aiichirou told himself over and over again not to be so overly dramatic, over-analyzing everything. This was not the end of the world, nothing terminal. There was no doubt Rin would grow tired of spending twenty-four hours of the day with Sousuke sooner or later and would be more willing to spend time with Aiichirou, too.

But that was not easy to remember when each day made Aiichirou feel more and more invisible.


	10. "Sometimes I just miss hi... it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Lonely Duckling Pity Party! Now with even more flavour of Angst & Drama™!
> 
> I kind of fell in love with Momo while writing this chapter. What an adorable little idiot muffin omg ;o;
> 
> Also I already fixed like 1000000 stupid typos and other mistakes here and there, but I definitely wouldn’t be surprised to hear I missed some. Please tell me if you notice something that seems odd, in this chapter or any other.

There was rarely any silence in the dorm room anymore, thanks to Aiichirou’s new roommate. Although when the room was Momotarou-free and quiet, that silence felt almost too pressing.

Aiichirou sat on the bottom bunk, hugging a pillow in his arms and fiddling with the pillowcase with his fingers absentmindedly. He was exhausted, not only from today’s exercise, but also because of his mixed feelings. He had barely had any time and much needed solitude to think things over in peace. His messy thoughts and worries had piled up, grown bigger and become a big tangle he didn’t know how to get a hold of.

His thoughts drifted to Momotarou, who had gone downtown with a classmate. The younger Mikoshiba was very similar, yet very different compared to his big brother. He clearly had a warm heart just like Seijuurou did, but his warmth knew no boundaries. When Momotarou was there, he really was _there_. And even though his fiery enthusiasm towards many things was sweet in a way, it also almost made Aiichirou tired just from looking at the boy.

When he thought about it, he realized he missed Seijuurou’s calming presence a little. If Seijuurou had still been in Samezuka, he would have already been fussing over Aiichirou, asking if he was okay and how he felt about Rin’s room change. On one hand, Aiichirou was happy he didn’t have to answer questions like that, but on the other hand, he was dying to feel like someone cared about him.

Although he didn’t quite have the right to think that he wasn’t cared for. It wasn’t as if nobody would support him, had he sought for support, not really. Momotarou was a good example. The first-year clearly wanted to be his friend, but _he_ was the one keeping his distance on purpose.

If things were normal, Momotarou’s optimism and endless energy probably would’ve cheered Aiichirou up. However, as things were now, it just didn’t work like that. His head was so full with negative thoughts that he couldn’t fit anything new in there. Especially not a new friendship with a person that loud and troublesome.

Aiichirou had thought he’d put the silence into good use and do his homework, now that Momotarou wasn’t around to distract him with his babbling. But now that he had the chance to work in peace for once, he couldn’t get himself to go to his desk.

His eyes brushed over the desktop filled with his personal belongings. Even the mess affected him differently now. Before, he had never cared about cleaning up because he simply hadn’t paid any attention to his untidy surroundings, until Rin had gotten fed up with it and forced him to do something about it.

Now he saw the mess and hated it, but couldn’t do anything about it. What’s the point, he thought apathetically.

One of the book piles was dangerously close to the edge of the desk. Aiichirou knew how crazy it would’ve driven Rin. Aiichirou would have gotten nagged at repeatedly, and still would have acted as if Rin never said anything about any mess, partly just to tease him. Rin would have probably ended up removing the books himself, of course not without some very pungent grumbling.

Or alternatively, as Aiichirou knew from experience, Rin might have shoved every item on the desk to the floor to express his annoyance, and replace them with their bodies.

Suddenly Aiichirou’s breathing became a little irregular. His fingers clutched the pillow.

The times when Rin had pushed him down on the desk on his stomach flashed in his mind. He remembered Rin’s impatient hands pushing the pants off them both and hips grinding against him. He remembered himself trying to find something to hold on to on the hard surface, ending up clutching the edges of the desk with shaky fingers. He remembered how his shirt had rolled up with the back and forth movements and how he had thought that he’d probably have red marks on his stomach from chafing against the desk, but that hadn’t bothered him one bit.

He bit his lip.

Rin’s body had been nowhere near to him for a few weeks now, and he had barely had enough alone time for a hurried, spiritless, unsatisfying half-a-minute wanks. Now Momotarou was away for once, and the thought of using that rare moment of privacy to do homework suddenly seemed ridiculous.

He put the pillow on its place on his bed and leaned his back against it.

He let his mind fill with pictures of Rin and pushed his hand under his shirt, running it over his heavily rising chest. Eyes closed, he imagined it was Rin’s hand, sliding up and then down his body slowly, teasingly, while the red hair fell on Rin’s face and partially covered his sexy confident smirk.

As Aiichirou lifted his hips and pushed his pants downwards, he imagined Rin undressing him, looking him into the eyes and grinning.

A quiet moan came from his throat as his fingers wrapped around his hardening member, imitating the way Rin usually touched him. He thought about Rin’s fingers, long and pretty and skilled. He thought about Rin’s body arching over his, all tense muscles and desire. He imagined Rin pressing their bodies together so tightly that he could barely keep moving his hand on Aiichirou’s cock. Rin’s own would press against Aiichirou’s thigh, pulsating with anticipation.

Aiichirou kept going, occasionally switching the rhythm of his hand like Rin sometimes liked to do, just to make things more interesting. Maddeningly slow and teasing pulls, then sharp, rough ones, back to the slow torture and then to the tempo between – steady, reliable, familiar, the _oh senpai, that’s it_ , just the right way.

He could almost feel Rin’s warm breath against his skin and the brush of teeth on the side of his neck, could almost hear the breathless groans next to his ear. It was easy to imagine all that because he had experienced it all so many times, in so many ways.

But then again, it didn’t take much effort for Aiichirou’s mind to create an image of Rin’s mouth moving away from his neck and onto his lips. He imagined a tentative, gentle kiss, like diving slowly into warm water.

He thought about Rin leaning up to look into his eyes. The confident grin was gone and replaced with warmth. Affection.

Aiichirou’s hand stilled for a second. He momentarily wondered if he should be getting off on thoughts of Rin looking at him so lovingly.

It was such a pretty image, though.

He picked up the pace again with twice as much desire.

He knew dreams like this shouldn’t be fed, but right now he didn’t want to care.

The imaginary Rin kept kissing him and whispering sweet nothings to him with a velvety voice, assuring Aiichirou about how much he wanted to make him feel good, how much he wanted him, how much he loved him, until Aiichirou came.

When he opened his eyes a moment later, he was alone in the room, exhausted and – despite having just had a very satisfying orgasm – sad.

In the heat of the moment, the visions of gentleness and loving touches had made everything feel so much better. Now, barely a minute after, those thoughts made him feel significantly worse.

*

The evening dusk and the yards that passed by as Aiichirou jogged felt comforting. He absentmindedly counted the times his sneakers hit the ground during one inhale, then an exhale, as his thoughts were roaming free.

Lately he had developed a habit of going out to jog more often than before, for several reasons. Not only did he get some time alone to think about things, he also managed to wear himself out so it was easier to fall asleep in the night. And falling asleep quickly meant less minutes of painful thinking.

This was, of course, a habit learned from an example. Whenever Rin experienced any kind of emotional tension, he’d relieve stress physically – if not by getting out of breath between sheets with Aiichirou, then by swimming an extra lap after extra lap or going for a run. And well, Aiichirou had always had the tendency to try to adopt Rin’s ways of doing things. This was no exception.

Rin was still as busy as ever. What had first been a period of few days without physical intimacy, had soon turned into weeks of distance. Of course it made sense that now that they didn’t have a private room together anymore, they had less chances to hook up, but it was not like the dorm room was the only suitable place in the world. Taking risks in half-public places wasn’t exactly new to them.

No, there had to be another explanation for why Rin was never interested when Aiichirou approached him. Prefecturals weren’t directly behind the corner yet, but they already caused some extra work for Rin. Aiichirou knew that.

But somehow he was still kind of hurt. He had thought that even if their shared moments meant less to Rin than they did to him, at least Rin liked having sex with him. Now he wasn’t so sure after all.

Forgetting about maintaining a steady tempo, Aiichirou increased his speed without realizing it.

He thought about the last time with Rin. It had been before Rin had said he’d switch rooms, back when things were still good, at least in theory. He tried to remember what kind of thoughts had crossed his mind at that moment. Had he focused on the enjoyment enough? Or course he had _enjoyed_ , but had he really _paid attention_ to how it felt?

No, Aiichirou realized with regret. It had been just one of many times. He couldn’t have possibly guessed it might be the last time in a long time.

Vague feeling of guilt burned him. If he had been bolder, sexier, better, would Rin’s interest have lasted longer?

His lungs started to ache. He was running too fast, draining himself too quickly. He had to slow down.

As he reached the outside of the dormitory, he ran into Minami Kazuki, who was also just returning from an evening jog. Kazuki greeted him joyfully. ”Working hard for the prefecturals, huh, Nitori-kun?”  
Aiichirou shrugged dismissively. ”I’m trying. You too, Minami-san?”  
”Yeah. Gotta stay focused to not get outshined by everyone else”, Kazuki grinned. ”I want to be able to impress the captain, too.”  
Aiichirou’s stomach twisted at the mention of Rin, but he just nodded politely.  
”Speaking of Matsuoka”, continued Kazuki, ”he changed rooms, didn’t he? Are you guys broken up or something?”

Aiichirou froze. He couldn’t get a word out of his mouth. He forgot to breathe for a few seconds.

”We – we were never together”, he then said, way too out of breath and way too upset. ”I thought we made that clear.”  
”Oh.” Kazuki squinted his eyes at him. Then he shrugged. ”Well, that explains.”

Aiichirou stared at his fellow swim club member. He started to have a feeling that this conversation was going into a direction he didn’t like.

”What are you talking about?” he had to ask.  
”He’s just in such a good mood nowadays”, Kazuki said. ”Too good to be recovering from a breakup, I think.”  
Aiichirou tried his best to not show the effect those words had on him. ”Mm.”  
”On the other hand, he’s got the new meat now...”

It took a couple of seconds for Aiichirou to realize what Kazuki’s words and his knowing smirk meant.

”He’s not like that with Sousuke!” he yelped. As soon as it was out of his mouth, he realized he had been too feisty about it.  
Kazuki raised his eyebrows at him. ”Are you sure? I mean, you guys told everyone you were ‘not like that’ when you were fucking.”

Aiichirou’s heart turned cold. It felt like it almost stopped.

Then it started to pound way too hard, way too quickly, way too hurtfully.

_That’s not true. It is not._

Aiichirou felt dizzy.

”Hey, Nitori-kun, are you okay?” Kazuki asked, a bit concerned.

Aiichirou knew he was supposed to respond, to say something cheerful, to assure Kazuki that there was nothing wrong with him. It was not like his world had just been shoved out of its orbit. It was not like Kazuki had just unknowingly increased Aiichirou’s biggest fears, the feeling of being replaceable, and the feeling of already being replaced. Even other people, mere outsiders, thought he was just that.

His hands shook and his eyes were burning; all the tears he had held in for so long were now forcing their way out. He could not do anything but turn on his heels and storm through the door into the dormitory hall. He did not turn to look back, even though Kazuki called after him with sincerely shocked, worried voice.

Aiichirou didn’t stop until he was in his own room, safely behind the locked door. Momotarou wasn’t around, so he didn’t have to pretend everything was alright. He kicked his shoes off and sunk into his bed.

The cry he had persistently suppressed crashed over him like a tidal wave, making him double over, desperately gasping for breath.

_Are you guys broken up or something?_

_Broken up._ Hearing someone else use those words made them feel truer. It made him feel like there had been _something_ and they had _had something together_ and now it was gone.

The loss he had refused to acknowledge suddenly felt very real, and it was crushing him.

He closed his eyes tightly to not see the room around him. _Their room._ This was Rin’s bed. It had not smelled like Rin for a long time now, but it was still Rin’s.

Every day Rin looked the same, had the same gorgeous smile, called him Ai with a soft voice – and it was very easy for Aiichirou to look at that body and get engulfed by memories of how each part of it felt like under his fingers. He had gotten Rin memorized.

Every day Rin was happy and relaxed, while Aiichirou felt worse and worse. Why was this so difficult to him when it clearly wasn’t difficult for Rin?

The sobs didn’t seem to be ending anytime soon.

For over a year now, Aiichirou had let himself lean on the thought that in order to be happy, all he needed was Rin’s company, Rin’s happiness. It was a stupid, stupid mistake, which he was only now starting to realize. Rin had so much going on in his life, as people should have. Rin had the swim club. Rin had his future plans. Rin had his friends. Rin had Sousuke.

Before, when Aiichirou had only had to focus on not being jealous because of Haru, it had been only occasional. He had only had to deal with it for short periods at a time. But now... Sousuke was a different case; Sousuke was always around, everywhere, every moment, and Aiichirou’s heart didn’t warm at the thought of those two laughing together anymore – it made it shrink.

He should’ve foreseen this. He should’ve fought, done more, been better. He should’ve fought to keep Rin. Instead, he had just stood beside him, admired Sousuke and smiled. Too stupid to realize what was happening and too much of a coward to step in, he had watched as Rin slipped out of his reach.

How on earth could he ever compare to someone like Sousuke? Rin, who was so ambitious, needed company that matched his skill levels and dreams. Compared to a nationally ranked swimmer, Aiichirou was nothing; he knew nothing about serious swimming. Not to mention the connection between those two. Aiichirou had spent endless amounts of energy to understand Rin properly, and still he wasn’t able to keep his hold on him. It had all been in vain.

What did he have to offer that Rin wouldn’t find from someone better?

 _I love him_ , he thought desperately, hopelessly. _I don’t have anything to offer, but I love him so goddamn much._

But being in love with someone was supposed to make you feel good. This feeling hadn’t brought him joy for a long time now.

He remembered the brief flash of doubt from a long time ago. Seijuurou’s words in the last year’s regionals had already made him wonder if any of this was worth it. He had ignored the seed of doubt, pushed it into the very back of his mind and pretended it wasn’t there – but it had never stopped existing. It felt bad to realize he had kept going and done nothing to protect himself from heartbreak, even though a part of him had known this would not end well.

After everything he had done, he was nothing but a toy Rin had gotten tired of.

Pathetic. He was pathetic.

He was still crying when the door opened a moment later and Momotarou stepped in. ”Yo Nitori-senpai, I –”

The orange haired boy stopped as he saw Aiichirou. The golden eyes widened. He shut the door and ran over to Aiichirou, dropping down to sit on the bed beside him. ”What’s wrong, senpai?!”

Aiichirou was still buried under the weight of his feelings. He sobbed incoherently. ”It’s – nothing – I’m just – thinking about things...”  
”Clearly you are!” the younger boy said with a fair amount of panic in his voice. ”What is it? Maybe I can help.”  
”You can’t”, said Aiichirou. ”It’s just – R-Rin-senpai –”  
”Jeez!” Momotarou shrieked. ”Is Rin-senpai dead?!”  
The question confused Aiichirou so much, it made him forget to cry. ”W-what? No!”  
Momotarou sighed deeply. ”Oh, thank God.”

Aiichirou stared with teary eyes as Momotarou walked to his desk, shuffled over his things for a while and then came back, shoving a whole box of tissues into his hands. The boy’s concern felt sincere, unrestrained.

”Why are you crying then?” Momotarou continued, staying up and crossing his arms over his chest. His serious frown made him look a lot like Seijuurou. ”What did he do to you?”  
”He didn’t –”  
”Should I go and punch his face?!”

Aiichirou stared at Momotarou, who glared back with an extremely upset expression on his face, holding his fists up and ready.

Aiichirou started to laugh.

”No!” he giggled, took a tissue and wiped his face on it.  
”Are you sure?” Momotarou asked without letting go of his standby position. ”Because I will go and punch him if you want. Or at least yell at him.” His posture slumped a bit. ”Or well, I can try. I’m pretty sure he’s better at yelling than I am.”

Aiichirou could only keep laughing. Momotarou might have been loud and silly, but apparently that didn’t mean he wasn’t just as emphatic and caring as his older brother was. In his own individual way, he might have just been the kind of loyal friend Aiichirou needed right now after all.

”Thank you”, Aiichirou said softly, squeezing a tissue with his hands. ”Really, I appreciate it that you want to help. But you don’t have to do anything.”  
Momotarou sat down on the bed again, rubbed the back of his neck and grinned. ”I’m not good at having super deep conversations, but I’ll listen if you want to.”

Aiichirou was instinctively going to deny the was anything wrong, but changed his mind in time. What would he gain from forcing other people to stay out of his problems? In the contrary, it would probably be a good thing if his roommate was aware that he was going trough some rough times right now. It would not be that hard to tell Momotarou about it, would it?

”Well... I’m sure there are a lot of rumors going around”, he said after thinking for a while. ”So you probably know about... me and Rin-senpai.”  
Momotarou glued his eyes to the ceiling. The topic seemed to make him feel a bit awkward, but he didn’t refuse to talk about it. ”Hmm.”  
”What do you know?”  
”That you two are...” Momotarou’s face scrunched and blushed very slightly as he tried to find the words to express it indirectly. ”Not together but you do... things together.”  
Aiichirou sneered. ”Pretty much.”  
”Is that why you’re crying? You regret it or something?”  
”No. I regret that it ended, to be honest. I mean, nothing has officially ended because nothing officially was there, but now that he lives in a different room and is always busy... Sometimes I just miss hi... _it_.”

Momotarou turned to look at him with a deep frown on his face, tilting his head thoughtfully. ”But if you guys weren’t together, then is that really a reason to cry? You’ll find someone else. A proper relationship, if that’s what you want. Lots of fish in the sea, you know. Less stingy fish, too.”

Aiichirou shrugged with a sad smile, but said nothing.

Then Momotarou quickly raised both his hands in the air. His eyes were wide. ”Just to make it clear, I’m not speaking about myself! I don’t intend to start a relationship or a not-an-actual-relationship or anything like that with you just because we’re roommates. No offense, you’re cute and all, but I like girls.”

Aiichirou laughed again, brightly, from the heart. The laughter lasted long and felt good, liberating.

”I didn’t think you would”, he finally said, still chuckling. ”Getting involved with my roommate is not a habit of mine.”  
”So Rin-senpai was a special case?”

Aiichirou stopped laughing. For a moment, he just stared emptily at the wall.

His serious expression made Momotarou panic again. ”Gah, Nitori-senpai, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean –”  
”Kind of”, Aiichirou interrupted him with a quiet voice. ”Yeah. We were nothing more than friends, but at the same time... he was more important to me than anyone else.”

_Was._

The past tense felt strange on his tongue, but right now he knew he would have to get used to it.

He had often heard older and wiser people talking about how it was never wise or safe to give a single person too much power over one’s well-being, but he had never truly understood what it meant. He could see it now. Rin was affecting him way too much.

He would have to learn how to stand on his own two feet, without the problems caused by his crush, without being depending on anyone. He would have to learn to really see Rin as a friend, a teammate, his captain.

It would not be easy, but he’d try.

He offered a tired smile to Momotarou. ”Thank you for caring, Momotarou-kun. I think I need a friend right now.”

Momotarou grinned brightly. ”Not a problem. Although if you wanted to, you _could_ repay it by providing me with some inside information about that sister of his...”


	11. "I can’t do it anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sizzling with excitement*  
> *trembling with guilt*

If someone else were to look at Aiichirou’s everyday life, they couldn’t have known that he had just reached a big emotional turning point. Everything seemed to remain unchanged, but internally, he was about to start a new era. It was new, because Aiichirou honestly couldn’t remember ever _not_ having a crush on Rin. But now it became his goal to reach that mindset. He would not be able to downright avoid Rin’s company – that would make it impossible to train for the competition – but he would learn to react to it differently.

So Aiichirou forced himself to think logically, keep his mind on track, his back straight and his eyes on something else than on Rin’s enchanting smile. He stood by Rin on the edge of the pool and pretended not to be the slightest bit interested in the half-naked body next to him. He went along to shop for some swimwear for the first-years when Rin asked him to, because that’s what club mates do. He refused to think that Sousuke was a third wheel, or that _he_ was a third wheel. There was no such concept, if there were no feelings.

He also trained harder, not only at the practice but outside the club activities, too. Although sometimes it was hard for him to believe with his whole heart that it was worth it. He wasn’t all that sure he would stand out in the individual races at all, let alone getting into the relay team, no matter how he tried.

He found himself wondering why he wanted it so much, exactly. Was it to get closer to Rin? Why would he work so hard to get close to him, when he was also constantly trying his best to turn off his feelings towards him? Did any of this really make any sense?

 _I don’t want to be_ with _him_ , Aiichirou decided. _I want to be_ like _him._

At moments of doubt, Momotarou often managed to cheer him up. Now that he had shared bits of his mind with his new roommate, he could see the boy in a whole different light. He realized he could see himself in Momotarou. Even though he wasn’t as loud and flashy and even though his recent problems had really shaken his optimism lately, deep down, he still had the same brightness and resilience in his heart. He’d find it again. He’d push through this. It was all up to him whether or not he’d succeed.

Once after practice, the whole club gathered round Rin to hear what he had to say about his principles for choosing the members of the relay team for prefecturals. Rin gazed around at each of the club members as he spoke about willpower and feelings. He didn’t want just speed, he wanted passion.

For a brief moment in the middle of his speech, Rin’s eyes seemed to get fixed on Aiichirou for a bit longer than anyone else.

*

”Well done, Ai. Your hard work is really starting to pay off.”

Aiichirou took off his swimming goggles and looked up from the pool. Rin’s tall figure was standing on the edge of the pool, a small smile on his face, one hand on hip, the other reached out towards Aiichirou.

Automatically, out of habit, Aiichirou’s heart started to pound. He stretched out his arm slowly. The muscles of Rin’s arm tensed as he pulled Aiichirou up from the pool. For a second, Aiichirou’s breath was taken away.

As soon as Aiichirou was standing straight, he mentally slapped himself. Damn. The crush was a deep one and not that easy to shake off, but he shouldn’t let it take over anymore.  
”Thank you, senpai”, he said politely, a bit stiffly.

Then Rin walked away to talk to one of the newer members. Aiichirou’s gaze followed him for several seconds, mixed feelings taking over his mind.

Rin’s praise felt good. Of course it did.

However, after receiving the praise, he probably shouldn’t have become transfixed like this; staring after Rin with a stupid pale blush on his cheeks, longing.

He shook his head in frustration and went to the locker room. There was no time to be gazing through rose-colored glasses now.

Rin was _supposed_ to be considerate, to cheer people on, to help them up from the pool. It was something Aiichirou himself had urged him to do. Rin giving him compliments shouldn’t be such a big deal; Aiichirou couldn’t even be completely sure if he had really impressed Rin or if the captain was just trying to be extra supportive because it was his responsibility as a captain.

On the other hand, Rin had never been the type to praise someone without really meaning it.

Was Rin proud of him? Did this mean he had a chance to get to the relay team?

And when Rin had smiled, had he smiled at a teammate, or at _him?_

_Damn it. I’m doing it again._

The locker door slammed against another locker when Aiichirou opened it with a bit too much force, but he didn’t care. This was getting annoying. _Stop over-analyzing_ , Aiichirou told himself. For God’s sake, Rin had only said ‘well done’.

Why was he thinking about it so much?

*

Just as Aiichirou wasn’t supposed to care about what Rin said about him and just as he wasn’t supposed to let his heartbeat fasten when Rin’s skin came into contact with his, he also didn’t mean to let his eyes get stuck on Rin’s body right after Sousuke openly commented on its shape.

But just as he had come to realize a long, long time ago, Rin’s body had a language on its own and it kept speaking to him, asking him to come closer. It shouldn’t have affected on him like this, but how could he close his ears to the words that were constantly spoken? Was it even possible to forget a whole language he had already learned to communicate fluently in?

On top of it all, Rin noticed. He noticed the way Aiichirou’s eyes traveled over Rin’s abs and the way he swallowed.

Rin narrowed his eyes and stared at him intently. _Grinning._

Aiichirou’s heart skipped a beat.

 _Stop it_ , he silently yelled at himself. _Don’t start over. It’s going well already. Don’t sink in again._

Just a few months ago Aiichirou would have probably turned his eyes elsewhere with an evident blush on his face, but stayed near Rin anyway. Now he quickly pretended to be paying attention to something else and came up with an excuse to physically move away from Rin. It was safer that way.

With his back turned, Aiichirou didn’t see that this time Rin was the one following him with his gaze.

*

The water poured down Aiichirou’s body steadily, calmingly. He stood in the dorm room shower with his eyes closed, face turned towards the spray, deep in thought.

They had a day off from practice as it was the day before prefecturals. Momotarou had left to spend his free time away from the dorms and urged Aiichirou to do the same, but honestly, Aiichirou would’ve rather gone to train. A day without any exercise made him restless, but he knew it would not be wise to wear himself out now.

Instead, Aiichirou had decided to take a long shower and relax alone. As the water soothed his tense body, he tried to find a peace of mind as well. He did deserve a little breather, right? He had worked hard and gotten better with swimming lately. Furthermore, he had stayed up to date with school and – most importantly – kept his feelings in order.

Aiichirou smiled weakly against the spray of water. He had managed. Avoiding his emotions during the long school days, practices and lonely nights was like walking on an icy sidewalk, feet slipping on every other step and heart constantly jumping in his chest, but he had not fallen.

Though to be honest, the grin Rin had given him just the other afternoon was a particularly difficult image to keep out of his mind.

Aiichirou’s thoughts were cut by a knock on the door of the dorm room. He turned off the shower and stepped out sighing. Momotarou had probably left his keys again and was now coming to get them. Well, it was probably about time for him to stop wasting water, anyway.

Aiichirou dried his hair and skin with a towel quickly and then wrapped the towel around his hips. He could open the door to Momotarou like this; the boy would probably stay for about three seconds and would not care if he was properly dressed or not. He came out the bathroom and opened the door. ”Momo-kun, you should learn not to forg–”

The rest of the sentence disappeared. There was no snickering Momotarou behind the door, there was Rin staring at him blankly.

”Oh, hey... Ai”, Rin said. His eyes dropped briefly on Aiichirou’s bare upper body, before meeting his eyes again. ”Is Momo here?”

As Aiichirou realized he was standing in front of Rin practically naked, Aiichirou flushed red. Which made absolutely no sense after so many times of being _actually_ naked with Rin.

Besides, as he quickly hurried to remind himself, he wasn’t supposed to care about who was close to whom and with how much clothing on.

”N-no”, Aiichirou got out of his mouth. ”Why?”  
”I had something... to say to him about...” Rin began, but the words were slow; his thoughts seemed to be drifting. His gaze brushed over Aiichirou’s body. A certain kind of spark flashed in his eyes. ”About... the prefecturals.”

Aiichirou was not sure if he was imagining things or if Rin sunk his teeth on his lower lip for a split second.

Suddenly he had goose bumps all over his body.

”Yeah, well, he’s catching a movie with the other Mikoshiba”, he said, even though his mouth felt dry.

Their eyes locked. Aiichirou wanted to look away, but he couldn’t. He was sure he wasn’t imagining now. There was a specific glow in Rin’s eyes and a certain kind of tension in his body. Rin was looking at him and seeing an empty room and a conveniently unclothed body.

Aiichirou hesitated. He was trying to learn to not crave for Rin’s touch.

But at the same time, the longer Rin’s hungry eyes were on him, expecting an answer to a question he didn’t ask out loud, the more defenseless Aiichirou felt. The progress he had made went down the drain as easily and quickly as the water in the shower.

Rin wanted him. _Rin._ Wanted. _Him._

There was no actual reason not to do this. There had never really been anything between them, so nothing was over, either. So it wouldn’t hurt to go for it once more, would it?

Aiichirou swallowed. His breast heaved as his breath started to quicken. He bit his lower lip, tilted his head just like so many times before, and slowly said: ”He only just left, so... he’s going to be away for a while.”

No more was needed; Rin stepped into the room and closed the door after him. The lock clicked at the exact same second as when Aiichirou’s back hit the wall.

Bodies met. Nails dug on skin. Aiichirou’s leg wrapped around Rin’s, hips pressing against hips. Both of them tried to pull each other closer even though they were already skin on skin; it had been so _long_ since the last time and this felt so _good_. Rin gave a slow, lustful roll of his hips and gasped right into Aiichirou’s ear. Aiichirou shivered as Rin’s breathing tickled his skin. Suddenly he was very happy that Rin’s body was pushing him against the wall so forcefully, because his knees would’ve probably been too weak to support him at this point anyway.

As if he would’ve been able to deny this from himself. He’d live without Rin, he’d be okay without him, but this – this was heaven. He couldn’t say ‘no’ to heaven.

Aiichirou unzipped Rin’s jacket and pushed the garment down his shoulders; Rin helped with eager hands, also pulling off his t-shirt while he was at it. Without a moment’s hesitation, Aiichirou ran his hands on the revealed skin. He had missed the feeling he got from touching this godly abdomen.

Rin’s erection pushed against Aiichirou’s hip, demanding attention.

”You’re impatient”, Aiichirou noted, moving his hands from Rin’s chest to the waist of his jeans and starting to fumble with the buttons.  
”Fucking pent up”, Rin grunted back.  
Aiichirou’s fingers stilled and he looked at Rin with wide eyes. ”S-so – you haven’t done anyth–”  
But Rin cut him off with a frustrated moan. ”Are you going to get my pants off or do I have to do it myself?”

Aiichirou shut his mouth and concentrated only on getting Rin out of his clothes. Rin tore the towel off Aiichirou’s body and pushed him towards the bottom bunk.  
”Get on your knees beside the bed”, Rin growled.

Aiichirou’s knees hit the floor next to the bed and his stomach pressed against the mattress. He suddenly remembered a moment from moths ago – no, a full year ago – their first time. He had been on his knees just like this, leaning over this same bed. Rin had knelt down behind him just like he was kneeling down now.

Back then Rin had been a bit too rough and impatient. As months had passed since that day and Rin had soon turned gentler, Aiichirou had began to wonder if Rin had only been harsh to hide any insecurities he might have had in that situation.

Now Rin was a lot more patient and devoted, even in his sex-starved state of mind. He was running his hands slowly up and down Aiichirou’s backside, making him shiver and squirm.

Rin had no trouble finding the lube; Aiichirou still kept it in the same place they had kept it when they had still been roommates. Rin took his time with the tube before bringing his lubed-up finger to Aiichirou’s entrance, only teasing it from the outside. Aiichirou hummed appreciatively, almost too eagerly, trying to edge Rin further. The finger slipped into him, deep in and back out again. Another digit joined in, sliding in and out of Aiichirou, until he was panting and begging Rin to hurry up.

Rin chuckled contently at the plea and pulled his fingers off. He replaced them with his throbbing cock with one bold movement of hips; the tightness suddenly surrounding him made him take a shaky breath. Aiichirou moaned. His fingers clung to his bed covers when Rin withdrew a little and slammed himself back in again.

They adapted to the rhythm of each other’s movements, filling the room with rather indecent noises. Rin’s suppressed low growls. Aiichirou’s shameless wails. The sounds of skin slapping against skin.

A lot of things had changed over the past year, but one fundamental fact was still standing: Rin’s mere existence still had an incredible, undeniable effect on Aiichirou’s mind and body, no matter how he tried to fight it.

After such a long pause, pleasure grew quickly, building up towards a nearing orgasm, and somehow Aiichirou still felt that something about this was off.

”Senpai, let’s change the... position”, he mewled between pushes. Rin slowed down to listen. ”I want...” _To see you. To touch you._ ”To be on my back.”  
”All right”, Rin panted and pulled away. ”Get on the bed properly.”

Aiichirou climbed onto the bottom bunk, Rin following him closely. As soon as he had lain down on his back, Rin was on top of him, lifting his legs up and pushing in.

Aiichirou immediately wrapped his arms around the back of Rin’s neck, clinging on to the broad and muscular upper back. _Yes._ This was better. He could pull Rin so close to him like this, chest to chest, both of them breathing against the other boy’s neck. Rin was really there, with him, _his_. He wrapped his whole being around this body like his life depended on it. Rin’s teeth dug into the side of his neck, the greedy mouth sucking the skin just above his right collar bone, marking it as his – as if all of Aiichirou didn’t already belong to him.

The pace quickened. Rin wrapped his fingers around Aiichirou’s dick and moved his wrist until they were a shivering pile of moans and pleasure and need.

Orgasm hit Aiichirou harder than any he had experienced for a long time.

For a few minutes after they were done, Aiichirou just lay on the messy bed and tried to catch his breath. Rin got up first, lazily gathering his clothes from the floor and picking up the pile of clean clothes obviously waiting on the back of a chair for Aiichirou to put them on after a shower. He tossed those to Aiichirou and sat on the edge of the bed again. He started to speak about this and that and nothing of much importance, and Aiichirou recognized the content after-sex tone of voice; drowsy and easygoing. Aiichirou barely had enough energy to wriggle his way into his boxers and a slightly too big t-shirt. Then he just continued to lie still, eyes staring at nothing.

His chest felt strange. It stung. Was he still this out of breath from the sex? It couldn’t be. There was something wrong with his breathing; even though he tried to take a deep breath, it felt like the air didn’t get to the bottom of his lungs properly. His inhales were sharp and exhales shaky.

”Hey, is everything okay?” Rin asked with a frown on his face, after he had gotten his clothes on and realized Aiichirou had been oddly quiet for a long time.  
Aiichirou swallowed and tried to take a deep breath again. ”I –”

Then he realized he didn’t know how to respond. On top of that, his lungs had now completely forgotten how they were supposed to work. He could only gasp for air soundlessly.

Suddenly, all his suppressed thoughts got loose and washed over him like a whole pool’s worth of cold water.

He was supposed to be learning to live without Rin affecting him so much. And instead, as soon as Rin had appeared to his door, he had let the boy in and handed himself out without a second thought. He had given in to his uncontrollable emotions, thinking that mere pleasure would compensate for everything that was missing from between them.

But now he was coming down from the high. Rin was getting dressed. Rin would leave again. Everything would keep continuing, unchanged, yet everything felt twice as terrible.

He kept shaking, shaking, until a violent sob escaped from him.

_Oh no._

”Ai?” Rin asked, utterly confused. ”Are you hurt?”

”Yes”, Aiichirou whispered.

Tears weren’t going to stop at this point; they were forcing their way out of Aiichirou’s eyes, and his body, still limp and exhausted, didn’t have the strength to fight the shaking and sobbing.

He couldn’t fight, not anymore.

”I’m – I’m trying so hard, and it’s no use”, erupted from his mouth. He curled onto his side, staring into emptiness, trying to breathe calmly and failing miserably.  
”Trying what?” Rin asked with a sincere tone of worry in his voice.

Aiichirou could barely hear him. ”I thought – I honestly thought – I’d be happy with anything I get. God, that was such a stupid thing to believe. Now I think it would’ve been better if we never did anything and started anything in the first place. If I... never... said anything...”

Another wave of cry followed. Aiichirou pushed himself up to sit, hoping that it would make it easier for him to breathe. But any position didn’t seem to ease his discomfort at all. Rin was speechless; he was sitting still, not understanding a word.

”I’m so tired of this”, Aiichirou said, directly to Rin this time. Now that he had started, the words were flooding out endlessly, harshly, without his will. ”I wish it was as simple as it should’ve been. Having sex feels so good and so right but it’s also messing with my head and I don’t know what to do now that everything’s become so complicated.”  
”Complicated...?” Rin repeated slowly.  
Aiichirou uttered a humorless laugh and shook his head. ”It’s ridiculous. You have so much going on, you’re always occupied with something and, even more, some _one_. You have your mess with Haru and now there’s Sousuke and – what the hell, _I_ can’t compete with _them_.”  
”What are you –”  
”And you know, it’s so unfair that I cant!” Aiichirou shouted. ”So unfair!”

His body was tensing up; he wanted to shout, punch the wall, throw things, anything to make him feel like he had any power over anything. But all he did was clutch the blanket with his fists and stare at Rin.

Rin stared back a bit timidly. ”Why would you try to compete with them?”  
”Exactly. _Why would I_ ”, Aiichirou repeated, not caring to mask his bitterness. He didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, didn’t care. ”It’s pointless. Even if they’re just friends to you, it really doesn’t make any difference, because all it takes is _just a friend_ to take you away from me. I’m _nothing_.”

Rin’s expression started to change. It was still as shocked, but in a different way.

Aiichirou ran both his hands through his hair, dug his fingers on his scalp and squeezed his eyes shut, despair crashing over him again so hard it actually made him dizzy. ”I know I should just forget about it and concentrate on everything else, anything else, but every time I tell myself to snap out of it, it just backfires and then you say something or do something and I end up falling even more in love with you.”

His eyes snapped open.

_Oh. No._

He looked at Rin in horror, gasping for air. Rin stared back with just as wide eyes.

He definitely hadn’t meant to say that.

Aiichirou hugged his knees and pressed his forehead against them. ”I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say – I – _I’m sorry._ ” Tears streamed from his eyes even more rapidly than before and fell on the bare skin of his legs.

”It’s... okay.” Rin was speaking, but it somehow sounded like it came from miles away. The tone of his voice was frightened; Aiichirou could tell that Rin had no idea what he was supposed to do or say – and who could blame him? ”Maybe... maybe you should rest?”

Rin may have said it was okay, but Aiichirou knew it wasn’t. This had to end. This love simply could not keep existing, growing, getting out of hand. Everything was ruined; he was in a dead end with no way out. Rin was obviously feeling uncomfortable because of the sudden outburst, and Aiichirou couldn’t take back any of his words.

Aiichirou didn’t react when Rin reached to touch his arm clumsily and pulled back right after. He didn’t react even when Rin got up.  
”I’m... It may be better if I just go now”, Rin said stiffly.

Aiichirou didn’t answer. Why would’ve he. He took a tissue from his bedside table and wiped some of the tears on his face on it, but didn’t look at Rin. From the corner of his eye, he saw that Rin was still standing there, waiting for a couple more seconds, before turning away and walking towards the door.

The Rin from a year back would have already been gone by now. He wouldn’t have stopped or glanced over his shoulder while walking away.

They had both changed so much. They had come such a long way together.

”Wait”, Aiichirou called out, his voice cracking. He stood up, and Rin stopped at the door.

Aiichirou stared at the floor and clenched his fists. If he didn’t speak up and make things clear now, they would be left hanging on the air again.

”I want this to end. It has to end. I can’t do it anymore.”

Rin said nothing for a few seconds. He just watched Aiichirou’s face that probably had his feelings written all over it.

”You mean friends with benefits?” Rin then asked.  
”Yes.”  
Rin took a deep breath and nodded with a serious expression on his face. ”If that’s what you want.”  
”It is.”

Their eyes met. Rin seemed uncertain; on one hand, he obviously wanted to flee because it was easier, but on the other, there was a thousand questions in his eyes.

The questions were never asked, not even though the lingering eye contact lasted for several long seconds.

”It’ll end”, Aiichirou said with a sad voice.

Rin just looked back at him.

”And if it does...” Aiichirou mumbled, slowly starting to walk. With every step, a wall inside his mind crumbled down bit by bit – a wall he had built around a bittersweet dream – until he was right in front of Rin. ”I’ll never get another chance...”

And without thinking, without hesitating, encouraged by pure sorrow and lost hope, Aiichirou stood on his tiptoes and leaned up. Pushing his fingers into Rin’s hair, he kissed Rin with everything he had.

Rin froze.

Aiichirou’s every sense was filled with Rin. The familiar scent. The new kind of touch. The taste of the soft lips. The fingers entangled with the silky hair. In a way, it was exactly like Aiichirou had always imagined kissing Rin to feel like, and at the same time it was completely different. It wasn’t one of those perfect, romantic, passionate kisses from his daydreams. But it wasn’t meant to be like that, anyway; this was a farewell kiss, and there were no such things as perfect farewell kisses.

It was so, so gentle, yet it hurt.

It hurt to remember once again that his love would never be enough.

Then Aiichirou pulled away and the moment was over. Everything was.

He backed away from Rin, opened the door and stepped aside. He kept his eyes on the floor, even though he noticed that Rin was trying to make eye contact with him as he moved slowly past him.

”Bye”, Aiichirou said with a choked voice.  
It was strange how the word sounded exactly like ’goodbye’.

Rin left, the door was closed and Aiichirou was alone. He stared at the door with an empty mind for a while, not fully able to comprehend everything that had just happened.

Then he turned around and let his legs give in. With his back leaning against the door, he slumped down to the floor and hopelessly, desperately, cried.


	12. "Give me time to get on my feet."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I accidentally over 5,000 words is this bad

Aiichirou’s eyes were already open when his alarm clock went off the next morning. He stared into emptiness with tired eyes, not caring to do anything about the cheerful ring tone.

”Nitori-senpai, turn that off”, Momotarou’s sleepy voice came from the top bunk.

Then after a few seconds the whole bed jerked as the younger boy sat up with a quick motion after realizing what day it was. ”The prefecturals! It’s the prefecturals day!”

Momotarou climbed down and turned off Aiichirou’s alarm, but Aiichirou still didn’t move. He just lay under the covers, listening to his roommate’s excited babbling.

”Aren’t you going to get up, senpai?” Momotarou asked after a while.  
”In a minute”, Aiichirou mumbled. ”I’m just... tired.”

That was an understatement. He had barely slept the whole night. Everything that had happened the day before kept circling in his restless mind. He had tossed and turned and tried to shut it out of his mind, but it hadn’t worked.

_Every time I tell myself to snap out of it, I end up falling even more in love with you._

Aiichirou buried his face into the pillow and curled up.

”To be honest, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to swim today”, he said.  
Momotarou stopped whatever he had been doing and just stared at him. ”What? What are you talking about? Are you sick?”  
”No”, Aiichirou admitted. ”I just... don’t think I’m ready.”  
Momotarou crossed his arms. ”Nitori-senpai, now is not the time to get nervous! We have to go and beat everyone’s asses. We’ll show them the power of Samezuka!”  
Aiichirou sighed and sat up. ”I know.”

Momotarou studied Aiichirou’s face. ”You’re tired even though you were already in bed by the time I got back. Couldn’t you sleep?” he asked with an uncharacteristically serious voice. ”Is this just because of the competition or did something happen?”  
Aiichirou sighed again. ”I don’t want to talk about it.”  
”Are you sure?”  
”Yes. Let it go.”

*

This sure was not the best day for a competition. Aiichirou wasn’t very good under pressure to begin with, and the lack of sleep didn’t help at all. On top of everything, the shadow of his discussion with Rin lingered over everything. He was afraid of the moment when he would have to face Rin again.

When the whole swim club gathered together for the first time that day, Aiichirou felt like his stomach was full of lead. He barely dared to glance at the captain, and if they happened to stand side by side, he desperately wanted to move further away. However, Rin was clearly in his captain mode, properly focused on the upcoming competition. Noticing that eased up Aiichirou’s mind a bit. It was better this way. Rin’s calmness calmed him down, too.

Nagisa from Iwatobi was again a little bit too friendly when they met at the locker room. Aiichirou would have wanted to take the time to pull himself together in peace, but Nagisa’s extroverted nature and chatty mouth made it difficult. Even the way Nagisa kept calling him Ai-chan kind of reminded Aiichirou of how Rin called him Ai – a thought he definitely didn’t need in his mind right now.

On the other hand, while talking with Nagisa, Aiichirou managed to take his uncertainty and turn it into determination. He’d have to be calm and sure of himself like Rin was, pushing everything in his mind aside and only think about the competition.

Although there was a purple bite mark on the side of his neck. If he wore his goggles around his neck, the strap kept chafing on the sore spot, constantly reminding him about things he wanted to forget.

He went, kept his mind on his performance and his eyes forward, and he got through it. He knew that ending up in the fourth place wasn’t a bad result, not really, but he could not help feeling disappointed. He had tried his best, and he still wasn’t fast enough to qualify for the regionals.

Seijuurou visited the locker room right after the breaststroke event ended and Aiichirou had changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants. The tall boy ruffled Aiichirou’s damp hair cheerfully and gave him a wide grin. ”Good job, Nitori! You’re becoming quite a swimmer.”  
Aiichirou tried to smile, but with poor results. ”Hm. Thank you, captain.”  
”Just Mikoshiba. I’m not your captain anymore.”

Seijuurou crossed his arms; were Aiichirou in a better mood, he would’ve had found it amusing to have both Mikoshibas staring at him exactly the same way within one day.

”Speaking of captain, Matsuoka said good things about you during your race.”  
For a moment, Aiichirou stilled. Then he turned his eyes to the floor. ”Is that so.”  
”I’m impressed, Nitori. Matsuoka said you’ve come this far without any extra help. That you’ve done everything by yourself.”

Aiichirou couldn’t suppress a quiet bitter chuckle. It was not a happy one. He couldn’t take the compliment because it didn’t feel like a compliment. He could only imagine what Rin was really thinking about him. If there was something he had excelled in lately, it indeed was doing things by himself and expecting unrealistic results.

”Nitori, is everything okay?” Seijuurou frowned.  
Aiichirou twitched. ”Y-yes.”  
”You don’t seem like it.”  
”Well, the loss bugs me”, Aiichirou said elusively while putting on the Samezuka jacket.  
Seijuurou’s eyes narrowed. ”I don’t buy it. There’s something else.”  
Aiichirou pretended that closing the zipper of his jacket took all his concentration.

There was a short moment of silence. Aiichirou made sure he had packed everything and then lifted the strap of his bag over his shoulder.

”Are you still fooling around with Matsuoka?” Seijuurou finally asked with a low, quiet voice.  
”No”, Aiichirou said blankly.  
Then, even more gentle tone, Seijuurou asked a sincere question: ”Are you still in love with him?”

Aiichirou froze, eyes going out of focus, forgetting to breathe for a few seconds. His fingers grasped the strap of his bag. So it was obvious. The former captain knew what was going on. Aiichirou was tired of pretending.

”I try not to be”, he said with undisguised exhaustion and walked out of the locker room.

The weight of his bag dug into his shoulder, pressing the sore spot on his neck.

*

Momotarou got into the relay team on the last minute because of his successful solo race, and even though Aiichirou should’ve been happy for his friend, he couldn’t help falling deep into gloomy thoughts.

A while ago Rin had talked about the will to participate rather than having the fastest times, but it seemed like in the end, there was no way to foresee who would get into the team and who would not. It did not matter that Aiichirou wanted to be in the relay team with his whole heart; he was not fast enough, end of story. A better swimmer would always take his place in the team.

Besides, there was a difference between being passionate and being emotional. Last night, with everything Aiichirou had said, he had made sure that Rin probably saw him as a mere love-struck fool struggling his feelings. The members of Rin’s ultimate team would have to be both physically and mentally strong. Aiichirou had not left a good impression about his professionalism.

And he had wanted it so much. Not only because of Rin, but because he would’ve loved to improve as a swimmer – to rise from the role of an underdog and become a success. But he guessed it was time for him to accept that not all stories were supposed to end that happily.

But who could he blame except himself? If he had spent his first year in Samezuka training harder and really focusing on his goals, instead of fooling around with Rin and trying to figure out his feelings, the situation might have been different. He might have been closer to his senpai’s level by now. But his time was starting to run out.

He was so, so disappointed in himself.

Rin hadn’t said a word to him for the whole day. He had talked to the swim club as a whole, but not directly to him.

As Aiichirou sat alone in the stairs outside the pool building, he seriously considered not going to watch the rest of the prefecturals the next day. What would he gain from it? He’d only be watching how other people reached the things he wanted to reach. Normally he loved sitting in the audience and cheering for his teammates, but now the mere idea felt like too much.

He changed his mind after Sousuke stopped to have a short conversation with him. It was probably one of the first times he had ever spoken alone with Sousuke, and honestly, it felt a bit strange. But although Sousuke’s words were sharp, his attitude wasn’t hostile. He seemed to understand even though he was in a completely different situation himself.

Sousuke already started to walk away, before he stopped and looked over his shoulder, his face and voice blank as he said: ”You and Rin should talk.”  
”What?” Aiichirou startled, immediately wondering how much Sousuke knew. ”Has he said something?”  
”No”, Sousuke said shortly. ”But he’s been absent minded since yesterday, except when he concentrates on something related to the competition. Your name came up briefly. But he didn’t say what is going on.”  
”Oh.”

Sousuke turned fully around to give Aiichirou a stern look. ”Something’s bothering him, and I don’t want it to affect his performance tomorrow.”

Aiichirou shuddered. Sousuke had the ability to look really, really intimidating if he wished to.

Then the dark-haired boy relaxed and offered a short smile, as if sensing Aiichirou’s insecurity. ”I know he’s in our dorm room right now”, Sousuke said. ”Whatever it is, go and deal with it.”

*

A moment later, Aiichirou found himself standing at Rin and Sousuke’s door, partly because he didn’t dare to cross Sousuke, and partly because he didn’t really know what else to do. Not until after knocking did he realize he didn’t know what he was going to say.

Rin opened the door. A surprised expression flashed on his mind when he saw Aiichirou. Then it changed into a calm blank face.  
”Hey”, Aiichirou huffed.  
”Hey”, Rin said.  
Aiichirou kept shifting his weight from one foot to another. ”I – I’m not sure what I’m – uh. Yamazaki-senpai made me come talk to you.”  
”Oh?” Rin raised his eyebrows. Then he furrowed. ”Okay.”

Aiichirou’s fingers clutched to the hem of his jacket. Rin rubbed the back of his neck uncertainly.

”Um. Come in?” Rin offered.  
”No”, Aiichirou immediately shook his head. He would not cross the doorstep, he would not go any closer to Rin than he had to.

He took a deep breath and blurted out: ”I don’t want us to remain in awkward terms. We can’t avoid each other, so I want us to forget about yesterday and act like nothing ever happened.”

Rin said nothing. He still looked a bit uneasy.

”Okay?” Aiichirou asked.  
”Okay”, Rin answered.

Aiichirou felt vaguely frustrated. Why didn’t Rin say anything else? Why didn’t he voice his own opinion, why did he only agree on Aiichirou’s? It wouldn’t have been surprising at all from Rin to say he wanted nothing to do with Aiichirou and slam a door to his face. Or he could’ve said he didn’t want to think about it. That there was nothing to worry about. This lack of reaction, a calm ”okay” and an expressionless face was not what Aiichirou had expected. ’Okay’ – what did it even mean?

”Don’t you have anything to say?” Aiichirou asked sharply.  
Rin stared at the floor and shrugged. ”I’m cool with whatever you want.” He glanced at Aiichirou in a wary, serious manner. ”As long as you don’t get hurt.”

That surprised Aiichirou. He inhaled sharply, eyes widening for a second.

”I’m okay”, he exhaled then. He forced himself to give one of his endlessly optimistic smiles, even though he didn’t quite feel like smiling. ”Let’s just be friends again.”  
Rin studied him with his eyes. ”Sure”, he then said.

”And another thing”, Aiichirou added as he was hit by a sudden strike of courage. ”Please take me seriously as a swimmer. Don’t let this whole mess affect your decisions and opinions regarding the swim club.”  
”Of course not.” Rin smiled cautiously. ”I already take you seriously. You work hard.”  
Aiichirou nodded firmly, refusing to notice his accelerating heart rate. ”Then, I’ll be off. Good luck for tomorrow.”

*

Aiichirou did end up going to watch the relay the next day and rooting for the team, like he always did. Rin got several calls from scouts after the competition, which really didn’t surprise anyone. After their mutual agreement on acting civil around each other, Aiichirou dared to go to Rin when he was at the gym with Sousuke and politely congratulate him on the scouting. His words sounded stiff even to himself, but at least he had spoken.

Rin was neutral sort of friendly towards him, but it seemed like he had a lot in his mind – other things than his situation with Aiichirou. Rin soon left with Sousuke, apparently to share yet another conversation other people weren’t allowed to participate in.

Aiichirou tried to convince himself that even though being all stiff and overly polite was a clear downgrade to what their friendship had once been, it was definitely better than cold silence.

*

As days went by, the bite mark on his neck changed its color and faded, until there was no trace of it left.

Aiichirou started to get used to how things were. He did not know where the situation would lead to and whether or not they would ever become as close friends as before, but he started to understand that there was only so much he could do about it.

He sure had not expected Rin to approach him in the emptied locker room one day, leaning against one of the locker doors and wording out with a low voice: ”Did you have feelings for me all this time?”

Aiichirou twitched, but tried to seem calm. ”What, why?”  
”I want to know. I want to understand the whole picture.”  
”Do we really have to talk about this”, Aiichirou mumbled.

Rin frowned and opened his mouth, but closed it again, thinking.

Then he said gawkily: ”If you don’t want to, then no, we don’t have to.”

Aiichirou swallowed. Rin seemed unsure. Under the tough surface, Aiichirou could see glimpses of sincere curiosity.

”Yes”, Aiichirou said quietly. ”I was in... uh...” He felt his cheeks redden and cursed in his mind; he did not want to seem sensitive right now. ”I had a crush on you. From the very beginning.”  
Rin’s grave expression melted a bit. ”How come it didn’t bother you back then?”  
”What do you mean?”  
Rin made a vague wave of a hand. ”We had sex. A lot. Didn’t it feel bad, knowing your feelings weren’t mutual?”  
”Oh.” Aiichirou looked away. ”It was easier than it would be now, because back then you didn’t know.”  
Rin nodded slowly. ”I see.”

An awkward silence followed. Aiichirou wondered if now was the best time to leave.

Then Rin said: ”I’ve been thinking about all this and I think I... kind of sensed it. That there was more than met the eye.”

Aiichirou’s eyes turned to Rin.

”You knew?” he asked slowly.  
”I didn’t _know_ ”, said Rin clumsily. ”But I guess at some point I... started to suspect something.”

Aiichirou felt rationality leave him. His mind was trying to wrap around Rin’s words. He could feel a steadily growing burn behind his eyes.

Rin had known he had feelings, and hadn’t cared.

”So you just kept playing with me”, he said bitterly.  
Rin squinted, confused about the claim. ”What?”  
”Knowing I would get hurt. You played with me.”  
”N-no...” Rin’s eyes went from narrowed to wide open. ”No! We had agreed on keeping it casual, hadn’t we?”  
”It was my own decision to start doing this and to keep doing it, and I take responsibility for that”, Aiichirou grumbled. ”But I thought if you knew, you’d either call the whole thing off or respond to my feelings. And you did neither. What does that say about you?”

Rin got visibly frustrated at the conflict, pushing his hair out of his face anxiously. He hated having to talk about feelings, and this situation in particular was a difficult one. He automatically got into the defense mode, which in his case didn’t make him very friendly. ”I said I _didn’t know_ , I was never sure – because you never told me. You can’t blame me for not reading your mind. Is _that_ really the problem here?”

Aiichirou was barely listening to Rin’s words at this point. At the back of his mind, he knew he couldn’t blame Rin, not really, but his bitterness was getting the better of him. ”So you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong?!” he snarled.  
Rin snapped. ”I _did_ nothing wrong!” he yelled back. ”I was never your boyfriend! If you thought I am, then that’s on you.”

Aiichirou startled at the loudness of Rin’s voice. He blinked rapidly.

What was he doing? Why was he arguing with Rin? Wasn’t he supposed to be fixing things between them, not making it worse?

They stared at each other for several long seconds. The storm in Rin’s eyes went down just as quickly as it had risen; it was replaced with something resembling sadness – disappointment, regret perhaps. Aiichirou felt the burn of tears in his own eyes. Apparently he could not be face to face with Rin anymore, not without ending up with another conflict. What was left of their relationship was crumbling down before his eyes.

”I need distance from you”, he finally said, voice breaking, making a dash towards the door.

Rin stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

Aiichirou stiffened. Rin’s grip was tight, demanding, but the look in his eyes was frightened. He was visibly struggling with wanting to get his thoughts through to Aiichirou, but not wanting to force them through.

The fingers became a little looser. Rin’s thumb brushed the inside of Aiichirou’s wrist. Rin’s eyes became half lidded, softer.

”Don’t do that if you don’t mean it”, Aiichirou said through gritted teeth, giving Rin a dead serious glare. ”I don’t want to be your toy anymore.”

Rin let go, all of his confidence falling. He looked almost hurt.

Aiichirou did not look back as he walked away.

*

For a few days, Aiichirou did all he could to avoid facing Rin – even to the point of skipping a couple of club practices.

He hated his weakness, but couldn’t help it. It hurt to see even a glimpse of Rin and remember their last conversation. The argument had shaken him more than one would expect. The weight of every word of it grew heavier and turned unbearable in his mixed mind. He knew it was irrational from him to get mad at Rin for something he had caused himself, but his heart and brain did not tend to go hand in hand.

The load of different emotions inside of him was hard to handle. Unwarranted bitterness and anger, choking guilt and regret, plain sorrow – all that, while he still struggled with missing Rin like hell. Even after everything, he could not shake the feeling. He missed him.

Avoidance wasn’t easy though, as every minute he spent killing time alone in the dorm room reminded him of what a coward he was. He could not hide forever.

When he finally appeared at the poolside to take part in the usual practice one day, he saw Rin stiffen up immediately after noticing him. At the very first minute of being back, Aiichirou already regretted coming.

The practice didn’t go well. Rin was tense and out of focus, which – it being Rin – resulted in him being disproportionately irritable. Which, of course, wasn’t the best way to motivate the rest of the club.

At the end of the practice, Rin usually said something vaguely positive about everyone’s progress and goals in the locker room as everyone got dressed up, but now he ended up ranting about commitment and devotion to the collective goals. Moody Rin barking at other people was nothing new to anyone, but listening to it made Aiichirou’s ears go red. He knew the rant was not directed to the team, it was purely caused by Aiichirou’s absence for the past few days. Rin hated it when someone skipped training without a proper reason. 

Aiichirou could not stand making the rest of the club suffer from harsh words when they had done nothing wrong. ”Rin-senpai, please stop taking it out on the others when I am the problem”, he finally burst out.

Everyone turned to look at him. He stayed still, arms wrapped around himself in a rather resigned manner.

Rin’s eyes narrowed. ”You have to have a pretty damn good reason to skip practice”, he said. He sounded calm, but it was obvious he was angry.  
Aiichirou swallowed and turned his eyes to the floor. ”You know my reason.”  
”Well, it’s not good enough, Nitori”, spat Rin.

Aiichirou’s eyes flung back to Rin. He gasped, barely able to believe what he had just heard. ”Oh. _Oh._ So now it’s not Ai anymore, _captain?_ ”

The other guys started to shift awkwardly. Some of them rolled their eyes and sneered to each other. Takuya muttered something about a lover’s quarrel without even trying not to be heard. Rin shot a murderous glare at the boy but didn’t have time to say anything before Sousuke raised his voice: ”Knock it off, Uozumi.”

Then Sousuke lowered his voice and spoke directly to Rin and Aiichirou. ”Seriously though, you two, go talk it over somewhere more private. This is not the right time or place –”

But the two of them barely noticed Sousuke. ”Did you think you could do whatever you please and expect no consequences?” Rin growled, not caring about anyone else’s presence.  
”Funny hearing that from you”, Aiichirou heard himself say sarcastically. He did not know where this reckless straightforwardness was coming from, but he didn’t stop to think.  
Rin’s eyes flamed up. ” _I did nothing wrong._ ”

The locker room echoed with Rin’s loud words. Everyone was suddenly dead silent.

Aiichirou felt his defenses fall. He had only had a small amount of strength in him to begin with, just enough to make him drag himself to practice and keep it together under Rin’s eyes. Now it was all spent.

”Give me time to get on my feet”, he asked weakly. ”I’ll catch up.”  
But Rin just shook his head, frustrated at him. ”There’s no time to give! We have competitions coming up!”  
”I’m trying my best”, Aiichirou wailed.  
”By slacking off? Do you think you can ever get into the relay team like that? You of all people can’t afford not to practice.”

Aiichirou took a sharp breath. The other guys gasped.

Rin’s expression faltered; the angry grimace melted and turned into an expression of bewildered horror.

But it was too late. Aiichirou felt his body short-circuiting; he couldn’t breathe, his hands were shaking, his heart was pounding in panic. Then he realized tears flooding on his face.

Everyone else was frozen still as he turned on his heels and dashed out. Before the door slammed shut after him, he could hear someone say with a shocked voice: ”Dude, you actually made him cry.”

However, after storming out, he did not see how Rin tried to get it together, shaken to the core, trying to say something reassuring to the people around him but only managing to splutter out incoherent broken sentences. Finally Sousuke put his hand on Rin’s shoulder and said: ”Rin, we’re done here. Go after him, you idiot.”

Aiichirou didn’t even look where he was going; he just wanted to get away, far away. After he was out the building, his hyperventilating lungs ached so much he had to stop and grasp his chest. He was hurt. Rin had hurt him, and it affected him more than it should’ve. He vaguely realized he was having an actual panic attack, and it was a rather scary thing to experience. His body was spasming, overruled by waves of cry.

”Ai!”

Suddenly his upper arms were grabbed from behind, and he startled so much he instinctively tried to wriggle away. It was Rin. Aiichirou fought back, the crying not seeming to end, but Rin did not give up. The boy pulled Aiichirou close to him, chest pressing against the smaller boy’s back, holding him tightly in his arms.

When Aiichirou realized he could not escape, he became stagnant.

Then he shouted, cried out, letting all of his repressed feelings rush out of him in violent sobs. He cried out his disappointment at everything, at himself and at Rin and at how wrong all this had went. He cried out the pain caused by Rin’s words, his anger about knowing that Rin didn’t believe in him. He cried because he didn’t know what to feel anymore. And he cried because Rin saw him cry.

It wasn’t until the worst of his outburst was over until Aiichirou realized that for the whole time, Rin had been whispering with a low, calming voice: ”I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Aiichirou quieted down little by little, single small sobs escaping from him every now and then. Rin’s grip of him started to feel comforting instead of restrictive. Not because it was Rin, but because it was _somebody_. Having his body squeezed so tightly made the overwhelming rush of adrenaline wear down. He was safe. Someone was holding him up. He had screamed and cried, and Rin had not once let go of him.

They stood in silence for a long time.

”I didn’t mean it”, Rin finally said. His voice was vulnerable. ”I shouldn’t have said all that. I’m a fucking twat.”

Rin’s voice cracked. Aiichirou realized that he, too, was probably fighting tears.

For a fleeting moment, Aiichirou wanted to turn around and say something comforting to Rin, before he remembered he had already done so way too many times. He had pushed his own pain aside, medicated himself by taking care of Rin. Understood endlessly. Turned a blind eye to Rin’s harsh words. Forgiven.

He did not want it anymore. It wasn’t easy for him to act selfish, but he knew he had to. Rin had always really needed his support, but right now his pain was bigger than Rin’s.

He sniffled and said with a raspy voice: ”Give me time to learn not to miss you. All this is harder for me than you.”

Rin said nothing for a long while, but did not move either.

Finally he mumbled: ”Obviously it’s hard for you. I get it. But it’s not easy for me either.”  
Aiichirou snorted, but it lacked edge due to his state of exhaustion. ”You don’t miss me.”  
”Of course I miss you”, Rin insisted. His arms tightened around the other boy.  
Aiichirou shook his head gently. ”Being needy doesn’t count as missing.”  
”No, it’s... it’s not the sex.”

Rin’s voice trembled as he tried to find the right words, but it was still soft and gentle right next to Aiichirou’s ear. ”You know – sometimes I just miss _you_. I mean – something happens and it makes me think of you and... I kind of think it would be nice if you were there. I want to tell you things I know only you would understand. You’ve been my friend for ages now, you know that, right? It’s weird not having you around.”

Aiichirou stared at nothing.

Rin’s words didn’t reach him. Rin was trying his best and somewhere in the bottom of his worn-out rational mind Aiichirou was more than grateful. He could imagine how hard it was for Rin to even try cheering him up. But the truth was Rin couldn’t possibly say anything that would make Aiichirou feel better right now.

_You’ve been my friend for ages now._

_Friend._

Aiichirou did not want to be comforted with pretty words and a hug, if there was nothing behind them except guilt.

”I need a tissue”, he said feebly.

Rin let him go slowly, as if making sure he wasn’t going to run off to have another panic attack. Aiichirou dug up a tissue from his pocket and blew his nose. He had calmed down enough to be able to breathe normally again, although he was dead tired. He felt the first signs of a headache.

Now that Rin couldn’t physically hold Aiichirou in place anymore, he suddenly didn’t seem to know what to do. ”Are you alright?” he asked when he could not come up with anything better.  
”Yes. Thanks”, Aiichirou said, turning to face Rin. He bit his lip. ”And... I’m sorry for making a scene in front of the others.”  
”That’s my line, I made a scene”, said Rin, trying to smile apologetically, but his expression soon turned plain serious again. ”I have to apologize to the other swim club members, too. I can’t believe I acted so unprofessional in front of everyone...”  
”Go ahead. Go talk to them before they leave.”  
Rin seemed unsure. ”Will you be okay?”  
”My head hurts”, Aiichirou admitted. ”I... I think I’ll go to my room. Can you ask Momo-kun to bring my stuff?”

Rin nodded, but still didn’t move. He just stood there, eyes studying Aiichirou’s face. Aiichirou answered the gaze warily. There was a strange expression on Rin’s face; a mixture of worry, guilt and something else. Something softer – care? Or was it just relief, because Aiichirou didn’t hold a grudge after all?

”Seriously, I’m sorry”, Rin said with a hoarse voice. ”I don’t seem to know how to not fuck up everything.”

Aiichirou stared at his toes. ”You have to go”, he reminded Rin quietly.

Rin gave him one last look and went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Seijuurou expression* Goddamnit boys, why can’t you just play nicely?
> 
> Share the [frustration](http://tayeah.tumblr.com/post/154589858524/retadraws-sousukes-had-enough-of-your-shit-rin) at [tayeah dot tumblr dot com](http://tayeah.tumblr.com)!


	13. "My feelings are my problem."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot shorter chapter this time, sorry about that – but I just couldn’t resist the cliffhanger...! On the bright side though, this chapter and the next were originally supposed to be one long chapter, so you won’t have to wait for long for the next one as it’s already almost finished~

All the crying gave Aiichirou a headache and an overall exhausted feeling, but at the same time, he felt strangely cleansed. He was in a surprisingly calm mental state when Momotarou came to their room fifteen minutes after him, carrying sports bags on both of his shoulders. He threw one of them onto Aiichirou’s bed, where Aiichirou half-sat, half-lay on the mattress, back against the wall.

”Okay, spill it!” Momotarou huffed. ”What the _hell_ happened between you and Rin-senpai?!”  
Aiichirou didn’t answer the question right away. ”Do you have any painkillers?” he asked instead. ”I couldn’t find mine.”  
Momotarou rummaged the drawers of his desk for a while, before giving his roommate a bottle of pills. ”I asked Rin-senpai directly, but he didn’t really give me an answer”, the boy said with a frown.  
Aiichirou dug up a water bottle from the bag on his bed, swallowed the pill and took a long sip. Then he said calmly, his eyes on the bed cover: ”I can understand why. It’s awkward for him.”

Momotarou pushed the bag further towards the end of the bed and sat next to Aiichirou. ”Weren’t you guys fine with your thing?”  
Aiichirou shrugged. ”I kind of messed it up.”  
”How? Be straight with me.” Momotarou smirked. ”Or well, not _straight_ , but you know.”

Aiichirou knew Momotarou was trying to lighten up the mood, but he didn’t feel like joking around; he just met Momotarou’s eyes with a flat, a little bit melancholy expression on his face. The younger boy nodded, understanding the look.

”You fell in love with him, didn’t you?” It was more a statement than it was a question.  
”I was in love with him from the very beginning”, Aiichirou corrected quietly. Then he gave a weak smile. ”Am I painfully obvious or is that a Mikoshiba thing?”  
The other boy’s expression immediately turned into a perplexed one. ”Excuse me?”  
Aiichirou uttered a laugh. ”Forget it. I just talked about this with your brother a while ago.”  
”What?!” Momotarou shrieked. ”Why did you talk with him and not me? I want to be the friend you go to.”  
Aiichirou looked at him in surprise. ”I didn’t intend to talk to him”, he said. ”He’s just always seen right through me.”

The orange haired first-year’s reaction was loud and sincere, unhesitating. His expression was offended to an almost comical point, but nevertheless, it showed how much he cared.

A warm feeling surged inside of Aiichirou – a whole different warmth than the one that Rin or swimming gave him. Rather than that, it resembled the joy he felt when one of his family members called him just to hear how he was doing, or that one he got when he visited home and his dog ran to greet him at the front yard.

At the midst of all this, he had managed to get a real friend. Something he had never even realized he needed, but couldn’t now imagine coping without.

”Thank you”, Aiichirou smiled, and hoped his voice gave out even half of the gratitude he felt. Then his smile turned into a chuckle. ”The next time I fall desperately in love with someone I can’t have, I’ll tell you.”  
Momotarou did not go along with the playful tone of voice; he kept his own serious tone. ”The next time? Aren’t you going to try and fix things with Rin-senpai?”

Aiichirou’s smile didn’t falter, although it turned a bit less warm. ”There’s nothing to fix”, he said sincerely. ”There never was. So I honestly want to forget about him.”

Momotarou was uncharacteristically silent. He seemed to be pondering about it.

”It’s for the best”, Aiichirou assured.

Momotarou nodded slowly, but he still didn’t seem thoroughly convinced.

*

Aiichirou doubled his efforts with training.

 _You of all people can’t afford not to practice._ The words shadowed his mind during every jog, every lap in the pool. Rin had apologized for about a thousand times and said he really didn’t consider Aiichirou a bad athlete at all, but the boy could not shake the weight of the words off his shoulders. It was cruel, but it wasn’t far from the truth. He wasn’t a natural. He had to work harder than others to not disappoint anyone.

After the argument, Rin had started to be extra cautious about his words in the practice. He seemed to really regret his outburst. The tone of his voice when he gave Aiichirou advice or praised him for his effort was almost too careful. It sounded unfamiliar and clumsy, but it was better than silence.

Outside of the practice, they didn’t talk at all.

Instead, Sousuke reached out for Aiichirou, which he was definitely not expecting. When the third-year offered to help him at the pool one evening, Aiichirou almost refused him out of sheer surprise and respect towards the guy, but then he came to his senses. He wanted to improve and he really admired Sousuke’s skills; it would no doubt be wise to hear what he had to say.

And it was indeed helpful. Sousuke did not only give him practical tips, but also convinced him not to overexert himself. It had not even crossed his mind that training too much would actually do him harm.

Besides, when they were alone like this, Sousuke was really nice. Talking with him wasn’t as difficult and awkward as he had thought it would be. When Sousuke decided that Aiichirou had done enough for one evening, they kept chatting leisurely as the younger boy got up from the pool.

That was until Aiichirou lay his eyes on a water bottle and a snack bar on the bench beside his towel. They weren’t brought in by him – and he recognized the brand of the bar. It wasn’t his usual, but it was a very familiar one to him.

”Those weren’t there before”, Aiichirou uttered. ”That snack bar –”  
”Rin’s usual”, Sousuke noted.  
Aiichirou’s gaze flew towards the door, but there was no sign of anyone else being or having been near. ”When did he...” His voice faded away.  
”He must have not wanted to bother you while you were practicing”, said Sousuke.

They were quiet for a while. Aiichirou sat on the bench, took the snack bar and unwrapped it slowly.

Sousuke sat down too. Suddenly the silence felt way more pressing than it would’ve been a minute ago. Aiichirou chewed the bar, but his mouth was dry.

”How is he?” he finally asked, pretending to be nonchalant.  
Sousuke glanced at him. ”You don’t have to act as if you’re fine talking about him.”

Aiichirou sighed and swallowed what was on the tip of his tongue both literally and figuratively. He opened the water bottle and drank in silence. Sousuke probably knew about everything already; what would be the point of trying to deny it?

”He told me about your thing pretty early”, Sousuke said in a perfectly calm and matter-of-fact type of manner. ”He was surprisingly open about that. Probably because he knew I’d find out soon anyway, as the rest of the club knew about you two already.”

Aiichirou nodded, but didn’t dare to meet Sousuke’s eyes.

”But he can be really secretive too”, Sousuke proceeded on his monologue. ”As soon as it’s about feelings, he shuts everyone out, even though he’s an emotional person. He’s been upset since you guys started fighting and refused to say what was wrong. I had to force him to tell me about it.” He snorted. ”You must know how bad he is at expressing what goes on in his head.”  
”I do”, Aiichirou grunted. ”He’s an idiot when it comes to feelings.”  
Sousuke laughed out loud; a deep, heartily laugh. ”Yeah.”

Aiichirou smiled to himself. He had not wanted to think or talk about Rin before, but it felt surprisingly pacifying to talk about him with someone else who knew his flaws but still cared about him.

”But you see”, Sousuke continued, ”once he opened his mouth, he wouldn’t shut up about how he didn’t know what to do.”  
”Oh.” Aiichirou didn’t know how to react. Had their argument really shaken Rin that much?  
”Yeah. So I told him to talk to you.” Sousuke sighed deeply. ”Of course, his version of ‘talking’ is screaming at you in front of the whole swim club.”

Sousuke frowned and rubbed the bridge of his nose in a frustrated manner. Then he suddenly turned to look at Aiichirou. ”Why on earth are you attracted to someone like that? I mean, he’s my best friend and all, but God, he’s a fucking jackass.”

Aiichirou grinned a little at the well-intentioned insult. He raised his feet to the bench and hugged his knees. ”It was just pure admiration at first”, he shrugged, ”because he’s so unbelievably talented. But soon I just... began to see a whole world in him.”

His gaze got stuck on the little puddles on the floor. The seams of the tiling were darker where Aiichirou had walked over with his wet body.

”Not everyone can see it, but there are so many different sides to him.” The words were flowing from his mouth effortlessly. ”And even though it’s pretty twisted and unhealthy, and I’ve been hurt so many times I should already know better... The truth is... I haven’t yet seen a single side of him I haven’t been willing to love.”

Aiichirou was deep in thought for a couple more seconds. Then he suddenly woke up from his daze, felt his cheeks redden and quickly glanced at Sousuke. The boy was looking at him silently.

Aiichirou uttered an uncomfortable laugh to lighten up the serious mood. ”Uh, this is embarrassing, isn’t it? I’m sorry for saying such cheesy things.”  
But Sousuke shook his head lightly. ”No, no. It’s fine. I was just thinking you’re way too good for that fucker.”  
Aiichirou blushed. _Not_ what he had expected from Sousuke’s mouth. ”Don’t say that”, he said.  
”On the other hand”, Sousuke added, ”he kind of needs someone like you.”

Aiichirou’s pulse quickened. He just stared at the other boy. If he was saying that – someone who knew Rin so well was saying that –

_No._

He shook his head anxiously and pressed his forehead against his knees. ”No. Let’s stop talking about this. I know it will never happen and I don’t want to think about it anymore.”

Sousuke shrugged and leaned forward to rest his elbows against his knees. ”I still think you guys should just sit down and talk.”  
Aiichirou didn’t raise his head; he just squeezed his eyes tighter shut. ”No. What does it matter anymore? I just have to get over him. It’s difficult, it’s probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, but it’ll solve everything. My feelings are my problem, not his.”

Silence hung for a moment. The minute hand of the large clock on the wall of the pool hall clicked into a new position.

”I wouldn’t be so sure about that”, Sousuke finally muttered.  
Aiichirou lifted his gaze slowly. ”What do you mean?”

Sousuke glanced at the clock and stood up. He was obviously about to leave. ”I really don’t want to get in the middle of this – I mean, more than I already am – but...”

Aiichirou’s mouth became dry again when Sousuke gave him a look as serious and expressionless as ever. But there was a different kind of softness in the tall boy’s voice, when he said: ”He looks at you just as miserably as you look at him, when he thinks nobody notices.”

Then Sousuke walked away.

The soundless echo of those words remained as Aiichirou’s only company. His whole mind was filled with the words. Questioning them. Repeating them. Louder. Louder. Loud.

Was it his imagination or did the world suddenly look completely different?

From that moment on, Aiichirou felt very guilty for ever thinking Sousuke was unlikable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gasp! What’s in your mind? Do you feel the magical power of friendship?!


	14. "Please, Ai. I'm trying."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is already here, as I promised! It feels weird to finally be at this point of the story... I’m both excited and scared af. Eek!

”Momo. Let’s hang out.”  
”What? Yamazaki-senpai?!”

Aiichirou, sitting behind his desk, turned to look at the door of the dorm room. Momotarou had just opened the door after someone had knocked, only to find Sousuke behind it. It was definitely not typical for him to ask Momotarou to spend time with him, so Aiichirou could tell something strange was going on.

Then, with crouched shoulders and knit brows, Rin stepped into view from behind Sousuke.

”We have to talk”, Rin blurted out to Aiichirou. Then he glanced quickly at Sousuke, who was giving him a subtle glare, and immediately tried again: ”I mean – can I talk to you?”

A tense silence fell. Everyone was staring at Aiichirou. Rin seemed restless. Sousuke’s expression was impossible to interpret. Momotarou was visibly confused.

”I guess”, he finally squeaked.

”Let’s go then, Momo”, Sousuke said airily.  
”I – okay.” Momotarou snatched his phone and his keys, but stopped to look at Aiichirou before going. ”You okay?” he asked under his breath.  
Aiichirou gave his roommate a reassuring smile, although he felt anything but calm. ”I’m fine.”  
”Text me if you need me.”  
”Okay. Thanks.”

Rin stepped further into the room to let Momotarou pass him and grunted through gritted teeth: ”It’s not like we can’t handle things by ourselves.”  
Sousuke rolled his eyes. ”You two obviously can’t get on the same page without someone helping. Now, just appreciate our butting in and get your shit together.”

The door closed.

Aiichirou got up, but didn’t know where to stand or what to say. A minute go his mind had been occupied with homework, but suddenly it was entirely empty. Rin was standing still, awkwardly tapping the floor with the tips of his toes. Sousuke’s words from a few days ago came back to Aiichirou’s mind. He wondered how much effort it had taken from Sousuke to convince Rin to come here.

”Can I sit on your bed?” Rin mumbled.  
”Sure”, said Aiichirou.

Rin sat down. His expression was tense, his eyes downcast and his fingers twitchy; Aiichirou recognized all of Rin’s nervous mannerisms. The only thing missing from the picture was that usually Rin tended to use aggression to hide his vulnerability, but now there was no sign of it.

Aiichirou leaned his backside against his desk, partly sitting on it. His body pushed some of the stuff on the very edge of the desk aside. The sound of objects dragging on the surface made Rin glance at him.

”Your desk is a mess again”, Rin said. ”Doesn’t Momo care?”  
”No.” Aiichirou swallowed. ”He’s no you.”

Rin didn’t say anything, but his gaze was intense. The younger boy felt defenseless under the stare.

Then, suddenly, Rin looked just as defenseless.

”I’ve fucked things up pretty badly lately”, the red head grunted.  
Aiichirou immediately tensed. ”No, no”, he hurried to say. ”It’s my fault for letting my feelings get in the way.”  
”I shouldn’t have made it worse. I haven’t been a very nice person to you.”  
”No, really... Don’t.”

Desperation crept into Aiichirou’s voice and body. He wanted to give Rin permission to back out of this discussion. He assumed Rin wasn’t that keen to talk about such a sensitive subject, not really. Besides, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to, either.

Rin’s fingers fidgeted on the fabric of his jeans as he stared at the floor.

”Listen... I didn’t want to abandon you. When you cried and confessed to me and... kissed me...” Rin stuttered a bit at that part. ”I just freaked out and didn’t know what the hell I could say.” He sighed. ”Afterwards, I felt like a really bad friend. It should’ve been my turn to listen after all the times you’ve supported me, and... I just ran off.”

Aiichirou fell silent. It was still difficult for him to call things what they were, let alone discuss them. Words such as ‘confessed’ were still on his mental list of forbidden words.

Even more than that, to Aiichirou it was as if the word ‘friend’ came from Rin’s mouth with twice as much volume than the rest, even though in reality the boy’s tone was rather flat. His thoughts went off the track. If Rin was bothered by not being able to act like a proper friend, it must have meant that all Rin wanted from him was friendship. Rin had appeared into his room today to make clear there was, had never been, and never would be a romantic relationship.

”It’s okay”, Aiichirou blurted, just to save Rin the trouble of having to explain anything. ”Really, I don’t mind, and I don’t want you to feel guilty – I should not expect anything from you. And I don’t, really.”  
”Ai”, Rin tried. ”Listen –”  
”I understand it’s difficult to deal with me after all this.” The words were bursting out of Aiichirou’s mouth freely, with a little bit of panic audible in his voice. ”You have no obligations, none whatsoever.”  
” _Ai._ ”  
”We don’t have to talk about this. I’ll be fine, and you’ll be fine, and we will never –”

Suddenly Rin got on his feet, took a few long steps to cross the distance between them, and caught Aiichirou into his arms.

Aiichirou froze.

”Shut up and listen to me, I’m trying to say something”, Rin growled. His grip tightened and one of his hands pressed into Aiichirou’s hair and tucked his head under his chin. Aiichirou’s ear pressed against the muscular chest.

Rin stayed silent, and Aiichirou could hear a surprisingly rapid, very humane heartbeat thumping under the skin.

”Your heart is beating fast”, he said with a tiny voice.  
”Yeah, well, I’m freaking out again”, Rin chortled humorlessly. ”But I’m trying not to chicken out this time.”

Aiichirou stayed quiet to not interrupt Rin. The other boy didn’t let go, as if he was scared it would break the moment.

”I’ve thought about everything over and over again”, Rin mumbled over the top of Aiichirou’s head. ”And I’ve come to the conclusion that there are a lot of things I should’ve done differently. Too many things.”  
Aiichirou’s heart stung. ”It’s not your –”  
”I told you to listen to me.” Rin pushed them apart enough to be able to give Aiichirou a half-amused disapproving look.

Then, he suddenly didn’t know how to go on.

They stared at each other for eternity, confusion and expectations and fear in both their eyes, especially in Rin’s. Aiichirou realized he had probably never looked into Rin’s eyes from this distance. The color of his eyes was much more vibrant than he had realized before. Almost ethereal.

Right after that thought crossed his mind, he remembered how often this had happened. Rin had always had the ability to make his head get fuzzy and cut off his thoughts at times like this, even when he had solemnly sworn he would keep his mind and heart in order.

He pushed Rin away.

”I’m exhausted”, he huffed in frustration. Angry tears began to gather into his eyes. ”First having to hide my feelings from you and everyone else, then having them stomped over... and now trying to learn to have none at all. It’s hard.”  
Rin backed off. He looked lost. ”I’m... sorry.”

Aiichirou leaned against the desk again. Rin went back to sitting on the edge of his bed. Neither was looking at the other.

”When I came to you at the locker room the other day...” Rin mumbled, ”I really wanted to talk about things and understand you better. I really tried.”  
Aiichirou remembered it well. He had ended up getting angry at Rin, which made Rin get angry at him in return.  
”I suck at proper conversations”, Rin admitted. ”I don’t have enough patience. It blew up and I got mad when I should’ve stayed calm and let you be pissed at me. You were the one who was hurt.”

Part of Aiichirou was impressed with Rin’s words. He really seemed to have thought about things.

But it was important to make Rin understand something.

”I’m not hurt because you don’t love me back”, Aiichirou said quietly. ”I was hurt because you didn’t care enough to tell me you don’t want me to get hurt. I want you to realize that.”

Rin nodded. Didn’t resist, didn’t doubt, just nodded.

The conversation stopped for a moment. It didn’t actually bother Aiichirou. They both needed a little breather. This silence was as needed as the words.

”I’ve been stressed out because of the swim club and the pressure I’m under as a captain”, Rin said after a while. ”And then all this fighting... It was a lot at once. When you didn’t come to practice, I felt guilty about it. And that made me go straight back to my old habits... You know me. Getting angry when I should just admit I’ve made a mistake.”  
”It wasn’t your fault”, Aiichirou pointed out. ”It was unfair from me to get pissed at you. I just wasn’t thinking rationally.”  
”It felt like my fault, though”, Rin shrugged. ”And I had nobody to talk some sense into me. Normally it would’ve been you.”  
Aiichirou raised an eyebrow. ”What about Sousuke?”  
”Yeah, I did talk to him a bit”, Rin said. ”But it’s just not the same.”

Even though the atmosphere was still timid and hurtful, Aiichirou could not help faint blush from spreading on his face. Was he better than Sousuke at some things?

”I hate it that I ended up talking to you like I did in the practice”, Rin said. ”I realized what a douchebag I was right after I said all those terrible things.”  
”You apologized for that already”, Aiichirou said simply. Then he took a deep breath and added: ”Besides, it’s not as much about just the times when you yelled at me as it is about... other things.”  
Rin twitched a bit. He seemed to know he would not like to hear about everything he had done wrong, but he asked anyway: ”What is it, then?”

Aiichirou bit his lip, wondering if he was bold enough to spill everything. But if not now, then when?

He let bitter words flood out. ”I was there for you at all times, for over a year, having your back when you had no-one. I was there for you. And then you just got rid of me without a moment’s worry as soon as Sousuke appeared. You completely ditched me and spent all your time with him.” He paused to take a shaky breath. ”I know you were never mine but it just felt so unfair.”

Rin pondered that for a moment.

”I didn’t want to get rid of you”, he finally said with a quiet, sincere voice. ”Sousuke used to be my best friend. I wanted to catch up with him. That’s the only reason I changed rooms. I’m sorry to hear you took it personally, but I swear it wasn’t personal.”  
Aiichirou gave Rin a look of ire mixed with sorrow. ”It was so easy for you to be apart.”  
”I hung around with Sousuke, because it helped me relax in the middle of all the pressure”, Rin explained. ”I also had my captain duties and school and I helped Rei with his problems with swimming. I didn’t _want_ to stop seeing you, I just didn’t have the time. The whole ’friends with benefits’ thing just kind of faded out naturally and I thought there was nothing wrong with that, because... well, we weren’t an item.”

There was nothing fundamentally wrong with any of Rin’s words, Aiichirou knew it. Of course he’d see it like that. But Aiichirou was not ready to bend once again; he wasn’t willing to just endlessly understand.

”I thought that as long as things weren’t bad, they were good”, Rin continued. ”Which was, of course, short-sighted.”  
Aiichirou stayed calm and distant. ”It still kind of sounds like you’re only trying to explain why you’re innocent rather than admitting you did me wrong.”

The blame came as a surprise to Rin; his eyes widened and the last remains of optimism faded from his expression. On the other hand, he also looked like Aiichirou had really hit him deep where it hurt. The red headed boy got visibly frustrated; he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, face scrunching with anxiety.

”I _am_ sorry for doing you wrong”, Rin groaned. His voice wasn’t as impatient as it usually was. Instead, it was genuinely desperate. ”What can I do to make you believe me? What do you want me to say?”  
”I don’t want you to say anything you don’t mean”, Aiichirou said immediately. ”I’d much rather not spend time with you at all than be comforted with lies.”  
”I am sorry”, Rin said again, emphasizing every word. ”And that’s not a lie.”

Aiichirou said nothing. He kept his eyes on the floor.

”Please, Ai”, Rin said with a fragile voice. ” _I’m trying._ ”

All of this was so, so exhausting. Aiichirou felt his strength fading once again, disappearing solely because of Rin’s presence. Relationships, romantic or not, shouldn’t have been this demanding, should they? This difficult? Was he doing the right thing when he wanted to protect himself from getting hurt again, or was he letting Rin down by not supporting him when he was trying his hardest?

Aiichirou lifted his gaze and was about to open his mouth, when the sight in front of him made him fall completely speechless.

Rin had pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. His mouth was grimacing just the way it always was when he was fighting an unpleasant feeling. And there were rapid tears falling on his face.

”S-senpai”, Aiichirou had time to gasp, before Rin’s sudden surge of teary speech gushed over him.

”For _once_ I have someone who puts up with my shit and never gives up on me. A fucking _saint_ looking after me, you hear me? Nobody else would have the patience to deal with me. And when I realize that, it’s already too late. I’ve already gone and majorly messed that up, too”, Rin said with a strangled voice. ”I hate it. I hate it that you have every right, _every fucking right_ not to forgive me, yet there’s nothing I hope for more than your forgiveness.”

Aiichirou’s mouth was gaping open.

Rin wiped his eyes with his hands furiously, like the tears were what enraged him. As an honest automatic reaction, Aiichirou’s instinct told him to walk over to Rin, to dry his tears and offer him comfort.

But he was scared. He would never ever want to be a toy anymore.

He knew he was being cruel both to himself and to Rin when he asked: ”Do you love me?”

Rin looked at him. His eyes were tearful and panicky; they were trying to Aiichirou’s face to know if it was even possible for him to give a correct answer to the question. Aiichirou stared back, motionless.  
”You know I can’t say yes to that”, Rin whispered hoarsely. ”Ai... Please don’t make me hurt you again.”  
Aiichirou stayed ruthlessly composed, fully aware of how difficult situation he was forcing Rin into. He needed this. ”So you don’t. Just say you don’t. I need to hear it.”

Rin stayed quiet.

The silence prolonged and prolonged.

”I don’t really know what it means to love someone”, Rin eventually said. His voice was so quiet Aiichirou had to really concentrate to make out his words. ”But... you can’t sleep with someone for over a year and not feel _anything_.”

Aiichirou forgot to breathe for a moment.

”I’m still confused as fuck, but... I know you and I... I think learning to love you is not an impossibility.”

A strange, powerful, very familiar feeling twitched in the bottom of Aiichirou’s stomach. He had almost forgotten about how it felt to have butterflies trying to escape his guts. He had asked the question to clarify to himself where they stood – to kill the rest of his dreams. But what had come out of Rin’s mouth was something entirely else than he had expected. Rin was speaking words of hope.

The instinct inside of Aiichirou was immediately awoken – the built-in yearning he had never quite gotten to satiate – the need to achieve something that should’ve been practically impossible to achieve. That yearning had refused to die even when faced with the biggest of pain, and now it was making him spell out his next words.

”Do you want to try?”

Rin looked at him and inhaled, but before he could say anything and before either of them could let the absurdity of the moment affect their decisions, Aiichirou added with a strict voice: ”And no comforting lies. No saying things just to make me forgive you. What do you want?”

Rin closed his mouth and took another deep breath through his nose.

”I want to try”, he whispered. ”I want to see if I can learn.”

Over the few seconds that Aiichirou spent silent after those words, Rin had enough time to go through a thousand different emotions, judging by the storm in his eyes.

”Then...” Aiichirou said. Slowly, the corners of his mouth turned just slightly upwards. ”Let’s start from there.”

The eye contact lingered. Rin’s expression turned into a relieved one. Aiichirou’s cheeks were painted with a subtle tone of red; suddenly he felt really shy, as if he was meeting Rin for the first time.

But then Rin stumbled up from the bed, half-ran to Aiichirou and took the boy’s face in between his hands. For half a second he hesitated; for half a second he just stared into the blue eyes with a little bit frightened expression – this was new, unfamiliar, and happening so fast – and then his lips were on Aiichirou’s.

This time it was exactly like Aiichirou had always imagined; frenzied and desperate.

It felt like the world tipped over. Aiichirou moved his hands slowly to rest on Rin’s chest. His knees softened.

As the moment kept continuing and Rin kept holding him, Aiichirou felt his covers fall. It had been so hard for him to stay tough, to demand things and protect himself. Now his tension unraveled and was replaced with relief. He realized in the middle of a long kiss that there were tears on his own cheeks now.

”Stop crying”, Rin mumbled against his lips.  
” _You_ were crying like a minute ago”, Aiichirou complained.  
Rin grunted at that and stopped kissing him, but didn’t pull away. He kept his hands on the sides of Aiichirou’s face and just stared at him, still unsure.

”A-ah – sorry”, Rin said to Aiichirou’s surprise. His hands dropped down and hung idle on his sides. ”I’m still not sure what I’m feeling, and you said you don’t want me to touch you if I don’t mean it.”  
Aiichirou’s eyes widened. Rin had really taken his words into his heart, even though they had been spat out in the middle of an argument. He shook his head. ”No. It’s okay. It’s more than okay.”

There was so much they still had to talk about. But Aiichirou was tired, and Rin was tired, and there was time for discussions later. Right now, this was enough. Right now, Aiichirou was content with just knowing Rin wanted to try.

He squeezed the front of Rin’s shirt in his fists, pushed him backwards to the bed and climbed into his lap, returning his lips into their rightful place. This was anything but their first kiss a few weeks ago; now Rin was kissing back, adapting to Aiichirou’s movements and lightly nipping his lower lip with his front teeth.

A surprised gasp escaped from the younger boy when Rin opened his mouth and flicked his tongue against his lip. Instinctively, Aiichirou let the tongue push past his lips.

When their tongues touched each other, his mind tumbled over again. Against all odds and expectations, Matsuoka Rin’s tongue was in his mouth.

He moaned against Rin, wrapped his arms around the back of Rin’s neck and practically melt against the body beneath him. He didn’t even realize his hips were eagerly grinding Rin’s before Rin let out a restrained groan.

With the remains of his self-control, Rin pushed them apart gently. ”You – you didn’t want –”  
”I changed my mind”, Aiichirou said and tugged at the hem of Rin’s shirt without hesitation. Rin raised his arms obediently to let himself be undressed.  
”If you’re really sure that this is what you want”, Rin said, a little bit out of breath.  
”I want less words.” Aiichirou pushed his fingers into Rin’s hair and looked into his eyes. ”Just show me.”

Aiichirou did not specify what it was Rin needed to show him, but Rin understood. They met in another kiss, a lot clumsier but also a lot more passionate one.

Now that he had gotten the taste of kissing, Aiichirou could’ve kept doing it for the rest of the night – hell, why not the rest of his life – but their bodies had their own plans. He felt more and more blood gathering to his crotch and could feel the same happening to Rin beneath him.

Sex was a language Rin spoke fluently, and after a long proper conversation in actual words, Aiichirou really wanted to give him the safety of using the language he knew how to express himself better with.

Not to mention that Aiichirou was drowning in his own need, too. He was finally kissing Rin, and that alone drove him crazy.

Their clothes were shed instinctively, naturally. Moments were filled with endless kisses, caresses and rolls between the sheets. Aiichirou fumbled to find the lube as Rin moved his mouth onto his neck, his chest, his stomach, and a moment later Aiichirou’s toes were curling because of the familiar long fingers inside of him – yes, _finally_ , it had been too long, and Rin knew his body so perfectly. Aiichirou’s whole frame arched as Rin hit the right spot with dedicated accuracy.

Rin was eager and heated, but not the slightest bit impatient. He ran his hands and tongue all over Aiichirou’s body, sank his teeth into where he found a particularly tempting spot and kept rubbing Aiichirou’s prostate until the boy had no idea whether or not he was gasping out anything more rational than Rin’s name and a flow of restrained swearwords.

As Rin moved his free hand onto the base of Aiichirou’s cock and gave it a few pulls, Aiichirou almost shouted: ”Rin – Rin-senp- _ah – stop_.” He was panting furiously. ”I’m going to come if you keep going.”  
”Come then”, Rin said simply, but didn’t move. ”That’s kind of the goal here.”  
Aiichirou gave Rin a baffled look. ”But you haven’t even been touched yet. It’s not fair.”  
Rin shrugged. ”It’s not important. I want this to be about you.”

Aiichirou gave a shaky, groggy, mindlessly happy laugh. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss Rin out of sheer affection and gratitude for such consideration, or to roll his eyes at him, because there was no way he was going to exclude Rin from all the fun at this point.

He forced Rin’s hands off his body and rolled them over. He pressed his bottom against Rin’s dick, feeling it twitching in interest against him, regardless of Rin’s opinion.

”It _is_ important”, he insisted. He leaned close to Rin until his lips brushed the side of Rin’s neck as he whispered: ”I want you to feel as good as you make me feel.”

Then he slowly slid his body down Rin’s length. Rin didn’t resist; his eyes closed and he bared his throat, his body jerking slightly, his abs tensing, as the soft warmth of Aiichirou surrounded him.

Aiichirou inhaled deeply as Rin’s familiar hardness sunk into him. It burned a little after not doing it for a while; however, the pleasure it caused was much greater than the pain. He had missed his. Everything about it, from the way Rin’s breathing turned heavier, to how the muscles of Rin’s upper body twitched beneath him, and to how perfectly _full_ he felt, was so _right_.

Right after Aiichirou had gotten used to the feeling and rolled his hips a couple of times, as if testing the waters, Rin turned them around again and pressed his whole body against the smaller one. He did his best to find the certain angle that made Aiichirou see stars. Soon Aiichirou’s fingertips dug into Rin’s back, nails scratching the skin, a hand running trough red hair every once in a while before returning to the tensing back muscles. Rin’s fingers never stopped caressing the lean body as his hips worked Aiichirou towards a quickly nearing orgasm.

Aiichirou had wanted Rin to pour out his thoughts using the language he knew best.

And Rin really did pour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yasss, finally some opening up from Rin and kisses for our dear Ai~  
> Just so you know, I have a lot going on right now (competitions and shows coming up with my other hobbies, plus general life&health stuff), so I will take my time with the next chapters. I said in the first Author’s note that I am a slow writer, and I stand by that. ^^’ So please don't pressure me to rush. Thank you for understanding! ♥  
> Of course, in the meantime, I'd absolutely love to hear whether or not my writing works for you!!


	15. "I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m endlessly grateful for all the wonderful comments! Hearing your thoughts on my work always cheers me up, and those of you who cared for my well-being made me extra happy. You people are so, so sweet. ♥  
> Hope you like the continuation! My babies are taking baby steps~

Aiichirou was not sure when he and Rin had dozed off. He just found himself awaking from light sleep when somebody knocked briskly on the door. A second later the door was already thrown open and Momotarou marched in. ”Okay, you two! You got to be here alone for several hours already, I want my room back!”

Rin startled. For a moment, before his sleepy brain could grasp the whole situation, he looked positively panicky; as if he had gotten caught doing something forbidden. Aiichirou was immediately just as embarrassingly aware as Rin was about the fact that he and Rin were being stared at while lying side by side in his narrow bed, naked bodies hidden under a shared blanket.

Then Rin’s eyes met Aiichirou’s. They looked at each other for a few seconds, both a bit abashed. The frightened expression on Rin’s face melt away gradually when he seemed to recall everything that had happen in the last hours.

Rin turned to give Momotarou a grumpy glare. ”A little heads-up would’ve been nice.”

Momotarou chuckled mischievously. Another, lower sneer came from the door. As Rin suddenly sat up, Aiichirou had to pull the covers upwards quickly to maintain some level of decency.  
”You’re here, too?!” Rin shrieked.

Sousuke, who had been leaning against the door frame, stepped further into the room shrugging. ”I wanted to see if one of you killed the other.”

He gave the boys on the bed a pointed look. Aiichirou instinctively covered more of himself with the blanket.

”You better have actually _talked_ , too”, Sousuke said, quirking one eyebrow.  
”Yeah, yeah”, Rin grunted and flopped onto his back again. ”Now get out, I’ll be out of here in a minute.”  
”Right. Let’s give them a moment, Momo”, said Sousuke. ”Prince Matsuoka is feeling modest.”

As Momotarou and Sousuke left the room to give Rin and Aiichirou some privacy, the room was oddly silent after the door was shut. Rin got up and pulled his clothes on without speaking. Aiichirou did the same, giving Rin a quick glance every once in a while, unsure about what they were supposed to say at a moment like this.

Both of them were moving on an unfamiliar ground right now. The part after sex wasn’t new to them – but this wasn’t friends with benefits anymore, this was something else.

Rin zipped his jacket and straightened up. At last, his gaze moved on to Aiichirou. They stood a small distance away from each other and stared, both of them waiting for the other to speak.

”Well”, Rin said clumsily. ”See you later.”  
”Yeah”, Aiichirou uttered. Then he bit his lip; couldn’t he have come up with something smarter? Something that would remove the awkwardness from between them?

Rin budged, but before he took any actual steps towards the door, his eyes went to the other boy’s lips. The gaze lingered.

Aiichirou held his breath.

Then Rin leaped to the door and left.

Aiichirou stood still in the empty room. He breathed deep to let his heart slow down. For a second that had felt like eternity, he had thought Rin was going to kiss him before leaving.

But it was useless to feel disappointed, he reasoned. Everything was changing, and Rin was a person who needed all the time and space in the world to find out what he wanted. Additional displays of affection were not something to be expected in the near future.

Momotarou came back and broke the silence effectively. ”How did it go?” he was already chirping before the door was even properly closed behind him. ”Did you talk? What’s the deal with you two now?”  
Aiichirou sat on his bed and shook his head in confusion, not sure what to say. ”Well, we did talk.”  
”And?”  
”And we both also cried.”  
”...oh.”  
”And we kissed... a lot. And – um – that kind of led to sex. Amazing sex.” Aiichirou’s cheeks burned a little at his uncharacteristically bold choice of words, but he was too dazed to care. ”To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what to call this now.”  
The younger boy stared at him, having lost track of the conversation. ”Uh, so... Is that good or bad?”  
A hesitant smile rose to Aiichirou’s face. ”Good”, he breathed out, not sure if he could believe it himself. ”We’re... seeing how things go, I think.”  
”Awesome!” Momotarou beamed.  
”Yeah.” Aiichirou stared at the distance, sinking into his thoughts.

Even after all the times he had dreamed about trying to build an actual relationship with Rin, it was hard to believe this was real. For him and Rin to see how things were about to go... Was it really happening? They would really try it out?

Nothing was certain, though – there was no way he could foretell where ‘trying it out’ would lead them, but it was a step forward nonetheless. Finally, he found himself living in a world where he could be open about his feelings and – at least in theory – even have them returned someday.

All Rin had to do was to fall in love with Aiichirou.

If only Aiichirou had any idea how to make that happen.

*

Over the next weeks, a lot of things felt different to Aiichirou, but at the same time it felt like nothing had changed.

Rin wasn’t open about his thoughts; if anything, he was more reserved than before. Neither of them initiated spending extra time together. Sometimes they talked in practice or when they ran into each other between classes, but the conversations were always short and consisted of only safe topics, such as schoolwork or swim club schedules.

It made Aiichirou feel a bit discouraged at first – he yearned for more of Rin’s attention. He wanted to feel special. But he understood in some degree how hard it must be to see someone in a whole different light after you’ve spent over a year, well, not seeing them that way. For Rin, they had been teammates, friends, platonic sex partners. It would probably take a long time for him to find new emotions inside of him, especially those resembling love, _and_ learn how to express them. Aiichirou could be sure of that much.

So Aiichirou decided to just be himself. He talked to Rin like he usually did, no more or less. Very often, he fought the urge to be a little bit more direct to break the ice between them, but he knew it would not be wise to rush anything.

To keep himself from overthinking too much, Aiichirou turned most of his attention into swimming. Lately his times had been improving more and more. Thanks to all the help Sousuke had offered him, he advanced a lot in a very short time. It was like a switch had been pressed; a tall wall between him and his goals had finally disappeared. Each new positive experience made him want more – he needed to swim more, better, faster. For the first time in ages he really believed this was something he could be at least decent at.

His efforts didn’t go unnoticed by the other swimmers, either. Being admired by his teammates definitely made him happy, but to be honest, the best praise he could imagine was the soft, proud glint he could see in Rin’s eyes when their gazes met.

Smiling at him, Rin reminded him to keep his feet on the ground. Aiichirou promised to do so.

Although at that moment, Rin’s smile gave him so much strength he felt like he could break any records.

*

Right before regionals, after the last practice before the competition, Rin asked for everyone’s attention in the locker room and talked the team through some details about the trip. The last topic he brought up was the hotel all of them would be staying at. The club members would once again stay in rooms with two beds; Rin went through the list of people to make sure everyone was paired up as they wished.

Aiichirou twitched when he heard Sousuke casually speaking to Rin: ”If you want to stay with Nitori, I can switch to stay with Mikoshiba.”

The words were meant for Rin’s ears, but unfortunately, they did not go unheard by the other club members. Curious eyes were glued to the two of them. Aiichirou saw a few first-years whispering to each other. He did his best to act as if the conversation had nothing to do with him, although he could not help glancing at Rin to see how he’d react.

”Yeah, whatever, fine by me”, Rin said a bit hesitantly. He gave Aiichirou a questioning look. ”You cool with that?”  
Aiichirou nodded. ”Yeah, whatever”, he repeated Rin’s words casually. He managed to sound almost convincing.  
Rin made a quick, messy note to his paper. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

”Aww”, Takuya cooed with a teasing voice. ”You two are so sweet. No need to be shy.”  
At the very next second, Rin’s whole demeanor was a lot gloomier. ”Don’t start, Uozumi.”  
Takuya raised his hands in the air in an innocent manner. ”No, no. For real, we’re all glad that our favorite couple has made up.”  
”Yes, it is nice to see you getting along”, Iwashimizu Toru agreed, with an angelic smile on his face. ”Although it isn’t nearly as exciting to watch as the public quarrels are.”

That hit deep. The way Rin had lost his temper in front of everyone before was still a sensitive topic to him. His face became cold in a way that was way more familiar to Aiichirou than he’d cared to admit.

Aiichirou took a step towards Rin, but Sousuke was quicker; the tall third-year rest his hand on Rin’s forearm as a calming gesture.

”I’d suggest, once again, you concentrate on your own lives instead of mine”, Rin growled through gritted teeth.  
Kazuki took part in the conversation with a laid-back smile on his face. ”Chill, Matsuoka. No offense here. We’re happy you guys are cool, honestly. At least I am.” He gave Takuya a warning look.  
But although Kazuki’s voice was genuinely friendly, it did nothing to calm Rin down. ”What I do or don’t do is still none of your business”, he barked. ”We’re done here. Everyone, thanks for the practice.”

Rin shoved his notes into his bag, threw the bag over his shoulder and walked out of the dressing room.

Uncaring for the eyes drilling into his back, Aiichirou immediately rushed after Rin.

”Senpai”, he called. Rin stopped and turned to look at him with an irritable expression on his face. Careful to talk quietly enough so the other guys would not hear his words, Aiichirou asked: ”Are you alright?”  
”Of course I am”, Rin grunted.  
Before Rin could continue walking, Aiichirou asked in a desperate frenzy: ”Are you sure? They teased you about me and I know you don’t like it when –”  
”When those idiots butt in to my business? I sure as hell don’t”, snapped Rin. ”I hate it. This has nothing to do with them, yet they’re pressuring me. Too much too quickly – I don’t want that. It makes me feel shitty.” Rin let out a frustrated growl, as if he didn’t know how to word out everything in his mind. ”I really don’t have the energy to deal with those guys right now. Things are awful enough for me already.”

Aiichirou blinked twice, thrice, taken aback by Rin’s words. An unpleasant feeling twisted his stomach.

”Awful”, he repeated quietly. There was no blame in his tone, no bitterness; just surprise and a hint of sadness.

Rin looked at him, his expression immediately changing into a more timid one. ”I mean”, he stuttered. His face scrunched and his voice became lower. ”Agh. I didn’t mean it like that. Forget I said that.”

Aiichirou lowered his gaze to the floor. ”I get it.” Then, not really knowing why, he added: ”I’m sorry.”

Rin sighed. ”Don’t apologize”, he said, sounding exhausted all of a sudden. ”Just drop it. I’ll... I’ll see you later. I want to be alone right now, okay?”

Without waiting for an answer, Rin turned his back and started walking again with tense, quick footsteps. Aiichirou stared after the crouched figure for a while, before turning away too. He blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears suddenly gathering in his eyes.

When he walked back to the locker room to get his stuff, his teammates gave him long looks, but left him alone.

*

The incident still troubled Aiichirou’s mind while he was already getting on the bus to regionals. After making sure everyone was aboard, Rin sat on the isle seat next to Aiichirou, but even that didn’t cheer up the younger boy. Any other day he would’ve been over the moon about Rin choosing to sit with him, but now his mind was too absent.

He spent most of the trip in tense silence, staring out of the window and sinking into his thoughts. All the other swimmers were chatting leisurely with each other, but Aiichirou could barely hear their voices. Scary thoughts were rising and growing in his head, until his ears were practically rushing.

How could one describe this, anyway? They weren’t a couple, but they weren’t just friends either. What was going on in Rin’s head?

Rin had clearly gotten pissed at the implications that he was in warm relations with Aiichirou. But if he wanted to be with him, why would’ve he lost his temper? Aiichirou couldn’t see it any other way – maybe Rin just didn’t want a relationship after all.

Aiichirou’s fists tightened. He didn’t pay attention to how his nails dug into the heels of his hands.

Rin had said this was awful. The situation caused by Aiichirou’s feelings felt awful. The redhead had immediately said he hadn’t meant it, but Aiichirou couldn’t wipe the words off his mind.

Maybe all this wasn’t about whether or not their friendship would ever turn into love, after all. Maybe it was just a countdown to either of them giving up their wishes. He wanted Rin. Rin didn’t feel comfortable with him. Who was he to beg for Rin’s affection, if it felt like a difficult task to the other boy?

He should’ve had prepared for this. He should’ve had a proper conversation about whether Rin wanted him or just didn’t want to lose him as a friend. There had been a chance, back then when they were alone in the dorm room; they could’ve discussed everything, to make sure they were both on the same page and wanted the same things. Instead, Aiichirou had cut the corners, stopped talking and drifted into bed with Rin, once again.

His face scrunched. Why did he have to be so goddamn fickle? So easily manipulated by his feelings?

At some point of the bus ride, Aiichirou noticed Rin was giving him long looks every so often. The boy didn’t say anything, though, and Aiichirou wasn’t ready to make conversation, so he only reacted to the glances with a bland pseudo smile.

He had to calm down and focus. Now wasn’t the right time to fall into this sinkhole of gloomy thoughts. He was on his way to the regionals; this was his chance to display his skills. There was enough things to get nervous about in the competition itself. He still didn’t know if he had made it into the medley relay team; Rin would announce the final teams at the hotel.

Would Rin want to change back into rooming with Sousuke?

When the bus had almost reached its destination, Aiichirou heard a low, quiet voice from the seat next to him. ”Are you doing okay?”

Aiichirou looked at Rin in a mild surprise. The older boy had a blank expression, but Aiichirou could see sincere worry in the sharp eyes. He didn’t know how to answer.

”Are you still going to share a hotel room with me?” he blurted out instead.  
Rin frowned. ”Why are you asking that?”  
Aiichirou shrugged. ”I was just wondering. You don’t have to.”  
”Don’t you want me to?”  
”It’s not that.”

After that, neither of them talked for a long time. The noises around them grew louder when someone noticed that they could see the competition arena from the windows of the bus. The group was buzzing with excitement. The most enthusiastic people glued themselves against the windows to be able to see better. Aiichirou watched the view silently and felt nervousness growing in the bottom of his stomach.

”If you think _I_ don’t want it, then you’re wrong”, Rin finally said after a long pause.

Bull’s eye. Aiichirou turned to look at the boy beside him again. Rin stared back, brows knit tightly together and with an insistent look in his eyes.

”I thought you’d consider it awful”, Aiichirou said quietly.  
Rin sighed and shook his head. ”It’s not. Your companionship is not awful. _You’re_ not awful. I actually think being alone with you for a while will do me good.”  
”Didn’t you just say you don’t want too much happening too fast?” Aiichirou mumbled, still not convinced.  
Rin shrugged. ”I did. And I don’t. Who knows, maybe I’ll feel like that at some point. Hell, I don’t know where I’m supposed to go from here.” He let out a short humorless laugh, immediately continuing in all seriousness. ”But I do know that right now hanging out with you doesn’t sound bad at all.”

Like a small flame rising from the embers, a familiar flutter warmed up Aiichirou’s chest. He smiled a little to himself. Rin wasn’t going to stay with him out of duty or guilt, but because he wanted to. Rin obviously had some fears to deal with, but he tried anyway. It made Aiichirou’s heart quiver.

Having completely forgotten about his earlier thoughts about his own fickleness, Aiichirou thought to himself that maybe things weren’t _that_ bad after all. Maybe he had just over-analyzed things again.

”All right then”, he said simply. His voice was warm.

Rin relaxed.

*

After taking their suitcases to their hotel rooms, the club members gathered round in the lobby for a meeting. Rin’s voice was calm and steady as he announced the participants for the competition. Aiichirou couldn’t have felt more like the opposite of Rin; he was nervous, his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt, his pulse turning quicker and quicker the closer the list got to the medley relay team.

As much as he had hoped to be picked, he still couldn’t believe his ears when he heard his own name being called.

He wasn’t the only one who reacted; the crowd made a small surprised sound. Aiichirou looked around. Many pairs of eyes were on him, some of them admiring, some of them skeptical. Rin paid no attention to the reactions and just kept talking with a flat tone until he had read all of the names on the list.

When Rin said the meeting was over, everyone started talking to each other. Momotarou was jumping up and down in glee; Aiichirou laughed and celebrated with him. Soon, though, his ears caught a few words from a discussion between some of the swimmers that were less familiar with him.

”Why do you think Nitori was chosen to the medley relay team?”

Aiichirou froze.

”I mean, he’s gotten better lately, but I can’t help wondering if there’s something else.”  
”You mean Matsuoka might be favoring him?”  
”Well, knowing how their relationship is...”  
”Captain’s pet, huh?”  
”It’s highly possible.”

Mouth gaping, Aiichirou turned towards the boys who weren’t even trying to lower their speaking volume. He wanted to defend himself, but he had no idea what to say. His confidence had disappeared in a blink of an eye. Were the others right? Was he in the team only because Rin was giving him special privileges – or worse, out of pity?

He didn’t realize that Rin had also heard the conversation, until he heard Rin raising his voice. ”If you’ve got something to say about the teams, then come talk to me instead of gossiping behind my back.”

The swim club members stiffened. Rin continued undisturbed, his back straight and his hands on his hips. ”I stand behind my choices. Nitori has worked harder than many of you to get to the level he is on. There can’t be a single person in Samezuka who has failed to notice his effort and the progress he’s made. His dedication is exactly what I expect from a member of my relay team.” Rin raised his chin, his whole demeanor full of self-assurance. ”Does anyone really think I’d make the choices based on my personal views instead of thinking what’s best for the team?”

Aiichirou’s face heated up. Rin was defending him. For the first time, Rin refused to flinch at somebody’s opinion on the two of them. But to Aiichirou, what was even more meaningful was that Rin was really considering him a good choice for the team. The captain was talking professionally, not emotionally; even the fact that he used the name Nitori instead of Ai was a clear sign of that.

”Nitori, in his current skill level, is a fully worthy candidate for the team”, Rin said with a definitive voice. ”If someone has doubts about that, you may discuss it with me now.”

The others were glancing at Rin and at each other timidly, but didn’t say anything.

Momotarou threw his arm around Aiichirou’s shoulders and shouted shrilly: ”We have a great team! Nitori-senpai will show everyone how relays are done.”

The tension broke. Most of the club members nodded and gave Aiichirou encouraging looks before leaving for their rooms.  
”Bring the trophy to Samezuka!” Kazuki called out as he went off.

Aiichirou blew the air out of his lungs and inhaled again slowly. He felt dizzy. For a moment, he had questioned his own efforts. The moment right after that, he had been showered with praise and support. Suddenly he found himself too shy to look at Rin.

For the first time ever, Aiichirou had been called a truly worthy candidate for a race. He had made it. He was in the relay team. He would share the lane with his new best friend, a nationally ranked swimmer he really looked up to, and... Rin.

With _Rin_.

A shiver ran down his spine.

Sousuke and Momotarou’s room was on a different floor, so they told Rin and Aiichirou good night and went off to a different direction. Aiichirou left the lobby side by side with Rin. While they walked, he wondered if it was a coincidence or if Rin was walking with shorter footsteps on purpose to match their paces.

Then he felt the back of Rin’s hand brushing his own briefly. Aiichirou glanced up at Rin’s face. The eyes that met him were reserved, but still somehow very soft. The brief touch had definitely not been accidental.

More warmth spread inside of Aiichirou’s chest. Rin had defended him like a captain defends their team member, but right now the boy was seeing him as Ai.

Aiichirou was hit with a sudden urge to do something, to somehow express how much he valued Rin’s support.

When the hotel room door closed after them, Aiichirou shook off his hesitation. Quickly enough to keep himself from losing courage, but slow enough to give Rin time to back off if he so wished, he turned to face Rin and raised his chin. His intentions were clear.

Rin stayed still, waiting.

Aiichirou took a step closer and got up on the tips of his toes. Rin bent down a little bit, tilting his face slightly to keep their noses from bumping into each other. But although Rin was meeting him halfway, Aiichirou was still the one who led the kiss. He made it soft and chaste, sweet.

It only lasted for a few fleeting seconds, until Aiichirou broke off and whispered: ”Thank you.”

Then he put his heels back down and pulled away from Rin, both to start getting comfortable in the hotel room and to let Rin back to the safety of his personal space.

For once, the silence that fell between them was comfortable.


	16. "We need to stop assuming things."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s get personal.
> 
> In other words, *clickbait article voice* you won’t BELIEVE what these idiots will end up discussing! The last sentences will warm your heart!

Aiichirou was relieved for how perfectly normal the evening was. He could guess Rin was probably just as relieved, too; whether or not there were romantic feelings between them or not, they could still act like friends.

They talked about swimming and competitions and their schoolmates, anything except feelings or the kiss they had just shared. They laughed together. They had _fun_.

When Rin said he’d go out for a minute before going to bed, Aiichirou didn’t think much about it. If anything, it gave him a chance to dwell in his thoughts in peace. So he washed up, changed into his nightclothes and lay on top of the covers on the luxuriously soft bed, the one on the right – he knew Rin liked to sleep closer to the window.

Staring at the hotel room ceiling, he let his mind wander.

He anticipated he might have trouble falling asleep tonight. Against all odds, he wasn’t that nervous about the competition; instead, he was excited. Thinking about the fact that he was really a member of the medley relay team made shivers run down his spine.

He tucked his arms under his head and smiled to himself. Things couldn’t have gone better for him – and not just because of getting into the team. Sharing a room with Rin gave him a nostalgic feeling, as if they were back to being roommates.

Or something else.

Aiichirou’s lips curled into a smile as the little signs of affection from before came back to his mind. He closed his eyes and pictured Rin’s intense gaze in the bus again, the brief touch of their hands at the hall, the lips pressing together behind closed door. Excitement washed over his whole body.

For once, he let his imagination run free. He imagined how it would feel to welcome Rin back to the room by kissing him again. He imagined pulling him onto the bed, curling into the warmth of another body. For a fleeting moment, the thought of taking off Rin’s clothes one by one tickled his mind, but he shook it off soon. Their schoolmates might have been used to hearing them through the walls of the dorm rooms, but the hotel was filled with unknown competitive swimmers. It didn’t feel right. Besides, he could not risk feeling even a little bit sore when it was time to swim seriously.

But if Rin would be up for it, they _could_ just enjoy being close to each other without sexual intentions. Aiichirou knew Rin would probably not want that, though. Rin had mentioned not wanting things happening too quickly, and for him, cuddling was something new and unfamiliar.

Still, daydreaming wouldn’t do any harm, would it?

How would it feel to sleep next to each other? Would Rin hold him? Fingers on his skin, lips on his hairline – it was one of those innocent, foolish little fantasies he had coddled in the back of his mind ever since developing a crush on Rin.

He remembered a kiss he had once pressed on Rin’s forehead a long time ago, when the boy had fallen asleep by his side. Perhaps someday he wouldn’t have to feel guilty for doing something like that. Perhaps one day, he’d do it again, and Rin would be awake and smiling.

How long would it take? Would it ever happen?

How much time did they have?

Aiichirou’s smile faded away. This was a thought he had pushed into the back of his mind over and over again for the past weeks, but it kept coming back to the surface. He didn’t want to think about the future, because the only thing he knew for certain was that Rin would graduate and leave Samezuka.

 _Focus_ , he told himself. He was here now, at the regionals, with Rin, and it was everything he had dreamed about.

He sat up and smiled when the door opened and Rin got back.  
”Welcome back, senpai”, he said cheerfully. ”Did you finish what you had to do?”  
Rin shrugged, avoiding his eyes. ”Um. No... not really.”  
”Oh.” Aiichirou raised his eyebrows. ”Is it something related to the competition? Captain stuff?”  
”No”, Rin mumbled, ”not like that.”  
”What was it, then?”  
”Nothing.”

Aiichirou squinted. There was something odd about Rin’s behavior.

”Were you meeting someone?” Aiichirou asked cautiously.  
”No”, Rin said. ”I mean, kind of. It was nothing important.”

The answer was apparently supposed to soothe Aiichirou, but it didn’t reduce the strange suspicion growing in his mind. Suddenly he felt insecure. Something was wrong. If things were normal, Rin would’ve either answered him properly or told him to stop being nosy.

They stayed quiet for a long time. Rin changed his clothes, brushed his teeth and pulled the covers of his own bed aside. While doing all that, he gave Aiichirou a glance every now and then; the younger boy returned the gaze, but couldn’t find a way to break the silence. It was a different kind of silence than the one they had shared earlier today. This was an awkward one, the kind they could not ignore.

Rin seemed to sense it, too. He climbed into his bed and asked with a rather stiff voice: ”Will you get the lights?” 

Aiichirou reached for the light switch and then buried himself under his blanket, too. The curtains of the hotel room were thin; the street lamps outside cast a dim light over their room, creating large shadows. Aiichirou could see Rin’s figure, but couldn’t make out the expression on his face.

The clock kept ticking.

Several minutes later, Aiichirou realized he hadn’t even tried falling asleep. His eyes were wide open, glued to the opposite wall of the room.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Rin rolling onto his side. Face turned towards Aiichirou, the red head mumbled: ”I don’t like this atmosphere.”  
Aiichirou kept staring at a dim corner of the room. ”I’m a bit worried. You don’t seem like yourself.”  
”There’s nothing you should worry about”, Rin assured him.

But Aiichirou couldn’t shake the persistent concern off his mind. He was pretty sure he had figured out what Rin was not telling him. After they had ran into the Iwatobi group right after arriving at the hotel, it was really not a difficult deduction to make.

”Were you with Nanase-san?” Aiichirou asked with a small, steady voice, looking at Rin. ”Is that why you won’t tell me what you were doing?”  
”No”, Rin said, but Aiichirou could tell his body turned tense at the question. He waited.

At last, Rin blurted out: ”I did go look for him, though. I wanted to talk to him about the scouts but I couldn’t find him, so I had a little chat with Makoto instead.”

No response.

”I know you don’t like him, but I didn’t even meet him, so just forget about it, okay?”

Aiichirou stayed quiet. His positive mood had crashed down. Why would Rin want to hide the truth if there was nothing to worry about?

 _Did you forget?_ the ugly voice of irrational anxiety whispered in the back of his mind, condescending. _You are nothing but a toy for him to push aside._

He tried to ignore the voice, breathing deep, reminding himself that Rin had only wanted to talk to Haru about the scouts. It was not a reason to panic. However, thinking about the scouts did nothing to lighten up his mood – if anything, it only reminded him about how much he dreaded the moment Rin would leave.

”Ai?”  
”Hm.”

It would happen. Eventually, no matter what, he would be left behind.

”I know hearing about Haru bothers you”, Rin said. His voice sounded strangely loud in the silence.

Aiichirou took another deep breath and closed his eyes. Rin wasn’t wrong. The mere mention of Haru’s name made him feel completely insignificant, replaceable. He was, after all, the second choice.

”You know... you’re not obliged to try with me if you’d rather be with someone else”, he forced himself to say. ”If you’re not done with him, I shouldn’t get in the way.”

A couple seconds went by without speaking.

Then Rin sat up on his bed, astounded eyes fixed on Aiichirou. ”What?!”  
”I get it”, Aiichirou mumbled. ”If you want out, it’s okay.”  
Rin stared at him, mouth gaping. ”I – I don’t have anything –” He shook his head in the middle of a thought. ”I don’t want out.”  
”It’s okay”, Aiichirou repeated. His heart didn’t fully agree, but the words left his mouth anyway. ”I’m offering a ’get out of jail free’ card for you.”  
”What the fuck, Ai?” Rin cried out in – what was the emotion? Confusion? Anger? ”I don’t – I don’t even – how did we end up here?!”

Aiichirou looked at Rin without speaking a word. The usually so confident and handsome face was painted with sincere shock. Even with all the shadows casting over Rin’s face, he could see knitted brows and wide eyes.

Rin tried to speak, but had to swallow and clear his throat. He was at loss of words.

”Please don’t do this”, Rin finally said with a strangely choked voice. ”This is exactly what I tried to avoid. I specifically didn’t mention Haru because I thought you wouldn’t want me to talk about him. I remember when you said it feels like he’s all I notice.”

Aiichirou’s fingers tightened their grip on the blanket. Rin remembered something like that?

”I don’t want pampering if that means you’re going to be dishonest”, he erupted. ”I want to be able to trust you. You shouldn’t have to hide things from me.”  
”I wasn’t hiding anything”, Rin answered instantly. ”I just knew if his name came up, it would mean trouble.”  
”That _is_ hiding.”

They looked at each other for a long moment. Aiichirou began to understand what the problem really was. Neither of them knew what was going on in the other one’s mind – and both of them claimed to be able to guess.

”We need to stop assuming things”, he let out a heavy sigh. ”Could we just, you know, speak up? Be honest with each other?”  
Rin sighed just as deeply, staring at the blanket covering his lap. ”God, I’m shit at this.”

Whether ’this’ meant honest conversations or something else remained a mystery for Aiichirou.

”You want honesty?” Rin asked suddenly, his voice calm and colorless. He seemed to be desperately trying to keep his composure despite the uncomfortable situation.  
”Yes”, Aiichirou responded, trying his best to keep emotion out of his voice.

Rin gathered his thoughts for an excruciatingly long moment. Aiichirou waited, unknowing of what was coming up; judging by Rin’s serious expression, it would be nothing simple.

”I admit, there’s always been... _something_ about Haru”, Rin finally said. His voice sounded shallow; as if the words were difficult to push out.

Aiichirou closed his eyes. He was tired of hearing that name, but he knew he had to listen.

It would come soon – the final blow, the last stab in the chest he had feared for a long time already. He felt like he was sliding down a steep hill with nothing to hold on to; he was falling, slipping towards an inevitable crash.

”We have a problematic friendship”, Rin continued. ”I can’t sweep it under the rug.”

 _Say it_ , Aiichirou thought; every extra second of waiting for it hurt him. _Say he’s the one you desire._

Rin cleared his throat again.

”I guess I didn’t know how to deal with the part of me that wanted him.”

It felt as if the words echoed in the silence.

There it was.

Aiichirou opened his eyes and expected immediate tears, but they didn’t come. He felt empty. As if he wasn’t thoroughly connected to reality. His body was lying there limp, showing no reaction to Rin’s words, but his mind was escaping somewhere far.

He heard himself say quietly: ”So you finally admit that you want him.”

Rin had that expression he always had during the conversations that were most difficult to him. But there was no hesitation in his voice when he corrected: ”Wanted.”

Aiichirou searched for Rin’s eyes. The red head was still sitting up on his bed, fingers clutching the edge of his blanket, a strange glint in his eyes.  
”I don’t anymore”, the boy said.  
Aiichirou squinted a bit. ”You don’t?” he asked, unable to quite take it all in.  
”No.”

That was the moment when Aiichirou realized what the glint in Rin’s eyes was; it was tears. Rin looked vulnerable and determined at the same time. Knowing Rin, this might have been the first and the only time he ever told anyone about how he felt about Haru.

”When I swam in the relay with Iwatobi”, Rin said with a soft, quiet voice, ”the feelings I may have had for him changed. I’m not sure what they were, but I know I was freed of all the tension inside of me.” His tight lips formed a strange, sad smile. ”We will probably always share a certain bond, but it’s different now. He’s a friend.”

Rin fell silent, and Aiichirou let his words sink in slowly. At last, Rin admitted that his complex feelings during the last school year hadn’t been purely platonic. However, the bold, blunt way the boy was talking about those feelings implied they were gone and not something he would go back to.

One thing still bothered Aiichirou, though. ”Did you ever do anything with him?” he asked directly.  
There was no delay before Rin’s answer. ”No.”

So in spite of all, Aiichirou’s body had been the only one Rin had pushed his own against for a long time. But although the thought in its self was a comforting one, Aiichirou knew the uglier side of it.

”Did you ever... think of him? While you were with me?”

This time, the reply didn’t come as instantly. Rin stared into emptiness, his face stripped of emotion.  
”Yes”, he finally said gravely, his voice almost inaudible. ”A few times. Long ago.”

Suddenly Aiichirou’s consciousness came back again; he could feel his body all too heavily all of a sudden, his pulse quickening and his fingertips tingling with an odd feeling, hot and cold at the same time. He had known the answer to the question, had seen it in the sparks in Rin’s eyes, but hearing it directly from Rin made his chest feel like it had been stabbed.

”I hope you realize why I’m telling this even though it obviously hurts you.” Rin turned his face towards Aiichirou again. His gaze was still as serious, almost pained – and Aiichirou understood.  
”No lies”, he whispered.  
Rin’s face was taken over visible relief for being understood. ” _Yes_ ”, he exhaled more than spoke, ”no lies.”

Aiichirou nodded and turned his face away. A tear escaped his eye, but he knew Rin was actually doing the right thing. He had asked for honesty, and he had gotten it. He had asked Rin a straightforward question, and the boy had not sugarcoated the answer.

”I’d like to emphasize that all of that was during my second year of high school – you know I was unable to deal with just about anything back then”, Rin continued with the same emphasis, desperate to make the other boy believe and understand him. ”I really didn’t know what I was feeling and had no way to handle it. And you...”

Rin was quiet for a few seconds. Then he uttered a gloomy, humorless laugh, filled with self-disgust. In a way, Aiichirou’s confession had changed everything between them – their whole past could be seen in a different light now. It was obviously a lot to take in for Rin. He seemed to have really realized everything that had happened over the past year, because his voice was choked with guilt when he said: ”All that time... when my mind was on Haru... you were in love with me.”

Aiichirou recognized an apology between the lines. He felt a lump in his throat.

Rin was quiet for a long time. This wasn’t easy for either of them. 

”Haru’s not like that to me anymore”, he then emphasized one last time. ”I don’t know where I’m going with you, but he’s not someone who’s going to affect that.”

Under the thick blanket, Aiichirou’s heart rampaged. He breathed in slowly, deeply, until his lungs were aching and he let the air out in a long exhale. Then he glanced at Rin, who was staring at him constantly with deep swirls of uncertainty storming in his eyes.

”Don’t –” Rin croaked, swallowed and started again. ”Don’t give up on me.”

Tears started falling from Aiichirou’s eyes, now for a whole new reason. He was still internally agitated, but the worst part of his anxiety started to melt away and make space for relief and affection. Rin didn’t want to hurt him. Rin was still learning – they both were.

”Just be honest with me”, he finally said when he was sure he could keep his voice from cracking. ”No hiding or lying from now on.”  
”All right”, Rin complied. ”I’m sorry.”  
Aiichirou nodded. ”It’s okay. I’m... I’m glad we talked about this.”

Several minutes were spent in silence. Aiichirou focused on breathing evenly to stop his brain from filling his tense body with adrenaline and fear. The tears stopped. Rin laid down on his back eventually, resting his hands on his stomach. His fingers were restless; they kept fidgeting and lightly tapping the blanket.

The tension between them started to ease, but the atmosphere was still not what it had been before.

After a long silence, Rin asked cautiously: ”Is there something I can do right now?”  
Aiichirou didn’t understand the question. ”Huh?”  
”It’s just... I want you to feel better”, Rin tried to explain. ”How can I do that?”  
”Oh.” A faint blush rose on Aiichirou’s cheeks. He definitely hadn’t seen this coming. ”That’s kind.”  
Rin glanced at him and mumbled awkwardly: ”Seriously, tell me. I’m bad at this.”

Aiichirou didn’t give a response right away. What would make him feel better? His mind jumped instantly back to the cuddling he had daydreamed about earlier, but he wasn’t sure that was something he could really ask for. What would Rin think about it?

On the other hand, who knew if he’d ever have another chance to make some of his old, innocent, foolish fantasies become reality.

”Could I... come sleep in your bed?” he asked with a timid voice. ”Just sleep.”  
Rin turned to look at him and blinked rapidly. ”Ah. Well –”  
”I understand if you’re not comfortable with that”, Aiichirou added quickly.  
”No, it’s just new.” Rin glanced around uncertainly, before moving closer to the left side of his bed to make room. ”Come here.”

Aiichirou’s heart jumped. Suddenly he was extremely nervous.

He got up, took his pillow, put it beside Rin’s and crawled hesitantly under Rin’s blanket. The bed was made for one person, but it was still wider than the beds they had in Samezuka. Rin was lying on his side, watching Aiichirou. The smaller boy lay on his side too; they were facing each other, but not touching.

Aiichirou rest his head on the pillow, pulled Rin’s blanket up to his ears and closed his eyes. He wasn’t the slightest bit tired, but he was too nervous to meet Rin’s eyes.

Time moved slowly. They both knew neither of them was asleep.

After a long pause, Rin asked: ”Is this good?”  
Aiichirou kept his eyes closed and curled up a little bit. ”I do feel a bit better.”

Another minute went by, until Aiichirou felt a hand moving under the blanket and touching his ribs. He exhaled sharply in surprise, but still didn’t open his eyes. Rin was caressing him gently, tentatively – it was nothing like his usual fiery way of claiming Aiichirou’s body. The older boy was obviously a bit lost with this kind of intimacy, but he tried.

Aiichirou gathered courage for a long time before he dared to move. At last he curled up closer to Rin, close enough to be able to hide his face against the warm chest loosely covered with tank top. His bangs brushed a spot below Rin’s collar bone. Rin shivered; was he ticklish?

The change of positions encouraged Rin to wrap his arm around Aiichirou in a clumsy, yet warm gesture.

”This is good”, Aiichirou mumbled.  
Rin let out a small chuckle. Aiichirou enjoyed the way the low, pleasant voice vibrated in the broad chest he was leaning against.  
”How ironic that I’ve learned so much about sex with you”, Rin said lightly, ”yet when I have to cuddle in bed, it suddenly feels like I’ve never touched a person before.”  
Aiichirou smiled. ”You, learned with me? It’s the other way around.”

Rin tensed. Aiichirou could feel his heartbeat quickening suddenly.  
He looked up. ”What?”

Rin bit his lip. In the dim light it was hard to say if Aiichirou was imagining it or if the other boy’s cheeks had turned slightly red.

”There has been no-one else”, Rin finally got out of his mouth.  
”You mean since we started the friends with benefits thing?” Aiichirou asked conversationally. He didn’t quite understand why Rin was being so awkward about it.  
Not until Rin swallowed, kept looking at anything else except Aiichirou’s eyes, and croaked: ”Ever.”

Aiichirou’s reaction was immediate and sincere; he sat up swiftly, wide eyes on Rin, mouth hanging open. ” _What?!_ ”

Rin was the first and only one he’d ever slept with, but it had never, ever occurred to him that it would be the same for Rin, too. Not with Rin’s sex appeal. Aiichirou had always assumed he was one of many.

Rin tried his best to fuse his face with his pillow. Aiichirou had ever seen him as embarrassed.  
”Lie down, it’s not a big deal”, Rin whined.  
But Aiichirou could not let it go. ”I thought – I was sure you –”  
Rin groaned. ”Did you really think –? Come on.”

Now Rin got halfway up, too, resting his upper body on his elbows and shooting a frustrated look at Aiichirou. ”Surely you noticed I had no idea what I was doing in the beginning.”  
Aiichirou let out a peculiar sound, a mixture of a snort and a laugh. ”Well, I had no idea what to expect in the beginning!”  
Rin gave him an icy glare. ”You couldn’t get up the bed the next day after the first time.”  
”Ah – that.” Aiichirou closed his mouth. ”Well, that’s true.”  
Rin slumped on his back again and buried his face in his hands. ”It haunts me”, he sighed. ”I’m so sorry. I wanted to apologize sooner, but I was way too proud to show you I was totally clueless.”

A bemused smile rose on Aiichirou’s face when he watched Rin’s pained expression. The older boy had always been so sure, so strong and full of sexual power – he had definitely not shown any sign of uncertainty. But now he suddenly brought up his lack of experience and seemed to desperately want to be accepted despite of it. Aiichirou found it somehow very endearing. Was this really such a sensitive topic to Rin?

”It’s okay”, Aiichirou said with a soft voice full of poorly suppressed affection. ”You’re good now.”

Rin peered at him through his fingers.

” _Really_ good. I can’t imagine better”, Aiichirou added sincerely while lying down again, settling close to Rin. When he wrapped his left arm carefully around the muscular body, Rin did the same to him.  
A faint smile started to replace insecurity on Rin’s face. ”Spare the praise. It takes two”, he said.

Aiichirou pressed his face against Rin’s chest again and smiled to himself. The conversation made him strangely happy. It was definitely not typical from Rin to express insecurity. It felt like an unexpected gift.

Furthermore, Rin’s standpoint took him by surprise. He had always thought that out of the two of them, Rin was the one making things go smoothly and sexily in bed. However, that seemed not to be the case; his own part was just as valuable. Experienced or not, they had found ways to make their moments together fun, exciting, insanely hot. Together.

It took a while for Aiichirou to come down from his little high and notice that Rin’s body was still as tense.

”You still got something on your mind?” he asked while looking up again.  
Rin’s expression screamed of another internal complex. This time he was quicker to spill out his thoughts. ”While we’re at it – I’ve never been with anyone in a romantic sense, either.”  
Aiichirou raised his eyebrows. ”Is that a problem?”  
”You must have some expectations”, Rin explained. ”And I’m just... not sure. Not sure of what I want and if I’ll like what you want and... I’m just not sure of what I should do. Where this is going. It makes me uncomfortable.”

Aiichirou began to understand.

”Is that why you’ve been so tense lately?” he asked.  
”I guess”, Rin shrugged.

So the topic of inexperience was sensitive to Rin in more ways than one. He was good at faking confidence, but committing to something he was unsure about would be stressful in the long run. Rin was very careful of them progressing further, because he didn’t know what the relationship would include. He was unwilling to call things off or escape, but he was just as unwilling to jump right out of his comfort zone.

”What if you get hurt again?” Rin whispered anxiously. ”If I can’t do this?”

Aiichirou blinked. He was yet again surprised by Rin’s words.

Rin was worried. He had already hurt Aiichirou, although unknowingly – he was afraid of having the power to do it all over again.

There were so many loose parts that affected each other. Aiichirou’s feelings, Rin’s feelings, both their expectations – then there was the outside world and other people’s opinions they could not avoid hearing. Even Aiichirou was a little dazed about their situation – Rin had to be overwhelmed.

”You don’t have to worry about that”, Aiichirou said. ”I know I might get hurt. But even if that happens, I’m not going to blame you. It’s not like it’s your fault I caught feelings.”  
Rin sighed but said nothing.

After a short moment of thinking, Aiichirou smiled sheepishly. ”Besides, I have no idea what to do and where this is going, either.”  
Rin gave him a glance. ”You don’t?”  
”No. This is new for me too. How could I –” Aiichirou realized what he was going to say and swallowed. His cheeks burned when he continued with a small voice: ”How could I have gotten experience in dating when I’ve been busy having a crush on you?”

Rin uttered a small laugh. Aiichirou could tell it wasn’t a mocking one. The older boy had expressed practically nothing but shock and confusion when Aiichirou had talked about his feelings by far, but now there was something new in his tone; he sounded kind of flattered.

”Don’t think about labels or anything like that”, Aiichirou decided to go on. He pressed his arm tighter against Rin’s body to emphasize his words. ”Just... do what feels good. Okay?”  
Rin breathed deep and nodded. ”Okay.”  
”And no hiding. Promise to tell me if something feels uncomfortable.”  
”Yeah...” Rin’s thumb brushed Aiichirou’s back. ”You too.”

Both of them fell into silence again. Rin’s body finally started to relax. Aiichirou was getting sleepy as he kept resting his head next to the other one and breathing in the familiar, pleasant scent around him. He could not believe he was in Rin’s arms like this. He felt incredibly lucky. Lucky and utterly, undeniably smitten.

They had practically discussed dating. Not directly, not to make any promises, but still. Aiichirou wondered if it affected Rin as strongly as it affected him. It probably did, judging by how stressed out Rin appeared to be about progressing further. Aiichirou hoped the older boy would take in his advice; there was no reason to act according to a pattern. They could not make their messy relationship meet the standards of a classic romantic story even if they tried – there was no point trying to follow the rules of one.

Aiichirou’s eyes were getting drowsy, but he let them still wander on Rin’s features. A distant memory passed his mind again – for a second he thought about kissing Rin on the forehead again, just to prove to himself how much things had changed. He didn’t dare to.

”So... Cuddling is new”, Aiichirou muttered sleepily. ”How does this feel to you?”  
”This feels natural”, Rin admitted. ”More than I thought it would, actually.”  
Aiichirou managed a tired smile. ”Quick learner”, he mumbled.

The corner of Rin’s mouth arched up slightly.

Aiichirou fell asleep smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did we just witness actual _cuddling_ between these two?!? Was that _happiness_ in a Boy Toy chapter???!? Wow. Wooowwww. I’m going to have to lie down.
> 
> Ps. Stalk me on Tumblr: [tayeah.tumblr.com](http://tayeah.tumblr.com/)


	17. "Calm me down."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter, yay! Despite my busy life with new job and all, I will try my best to post the next chapter on 20th of May. Why that day? Because it’s Boy Toy’s birthday, woop woop!! First chapter was posted a whole year ago. My baby is becoming a toddler TwT
> 
> (Unrelated to BT: [RinTori Week 2017](https://rintoriweek-2017.tumblr.com/) is starting soon, I can’t wait! ♥)

The morning light peeked through the thin curtains of the hotel room. When Aiichirou woke up, he didn’t believe he was really awake at first – waking up in Rin’s bed could have easily been just one of his daydreams.

He had rolled over in his sleep at some point, turning his back towards Rin, and the taller boy had – unconsciously or not – taken him into his arms. Light breaths tickled the back of Aiichirou’s neck, a strong arm rested on his waist, and his pillow felt cramped; Rin had taken over half of it in his sleep. Rin’s own pillow was lying idle on the other side of the bed.

Careful not to wake Rin up, Aiichirou reached for his phone sitting on the nightstand. It was not the time to get up quite yet, but it would not take long until the alarm would set off. He put the phone down and peeled the blanket off his body carefully, planning to get up now that he was awake.

Rin startled and reacted immediately; the boy yanked the blanket back up and growled into the pillow: ”Not yet. Sleepy.”

Aiichirou couldn’t help letting out a soft giggle as he lay down on his side again. Rin wrapped his arm around Aiichirou again and pressed his face against the back of his neck. _Unbelievable. A morning cuddler_ , Aiichirou thought briefly, a smile tugging at his lips.

He shivered as Rin’s lips met his skin briefly. The touch was so light he couldn’t quite tell if it was a kiss or not; was it really a touch?

A minute later he felt something unmistakably real and hard brushing his bottom as Rin adjusted his position a bit.

”Mmh. Sorry. Morning wood”, Rin murmured. Somewhat disgruntled by his own body, he put some distance between his crotch and Aiichirou’s backside. ”Didn’t mean to poke you the first thing in the morning.”  
Aiichirou smirked to himself. ”It’s okay, I don’t mind”, he said with a hint of laughter in his tone. ”And it’s not like you can help it.”

Rin stayed far enough to not let his hard-on dig awkwardly into Aiichirou’s hip, but he kept his upper body close to him. The lips returned to the skin of Aiichirou’s neck. Another shiver ran down the smaller boy’s spine.

No matter how he tried not to think about it, his mind kept going back to the fact that Rin’s cock was hard just inches away from him. It was a familiar thing to him by now, but it was still something Aiichirou would probably never not find fascinating. Something about it was thrilling – it was such a genuine reaction, and usually it was a reaction to _his_ presence. Even if everything else was complicated between them, Rin’s body only spoke the truth.

He squirmed slightly, just enough for Rin to pick it up.

The next press of the lips was definitely an intentional one. Aiichirou arched his neck a little to give Rin more room. Rin’s mouth followed the motion.

A subtle, tentative roll of the hips against Aiichirou made the younger boy swallow and start breathing shallower. The loose pajama pants on both of them were not doing much to muffle the feeling of Rin’s erection grazing him. He knew the boy was constantly keeping an eye on his reactions, reading his body language, waiting for a sign of approval.

Aiichirou’s body was reacting on its own; it knew the signals and it was conditioned to expect pleasure soon. His sense of touch heightened. His pulse quickened. His groin started to feel hot.

Rin pushed again, bolder this time, all the while kissing the side of Aiichirou’s neck properly. The subtlest moan escaped Aiichirou’s throat.

Aiichirou didn’t change the position of his body, but turned his head to face Rin. Their lips found each other, bumping into each other a little clumsily at first, but soon melting into soft harmony. For a long time, they kissed slowly, as if to tell each other good morning.

Kissing was still new and wondrous and made the butterflies in Aiichirou’s stomach wake up again. All the time, he was kind of afraid he’d soon wake up from a beautiful dream. Just how often had he dreamed about exactly this?

But it was real. He could feel Rin with literally all of his senses; his heavy breaths were thrilling to listen to, his scent intoxicating, his taste addictive. And he didn’t seem to be the only one who enjoyed the colliding of their mouths; Rin made slow, lingering movements with his lips, basking in the pleasure of kissing.

Then Aiichirou rolled onto his back, never breaking the kiss, and touched Rin’s lower lip with his tongue. The other boy let the tongue slide in, meeting it with his own, and suddenly the sentimental atmosphere turned into a lot more passionate one.

Aiichirou felt sparks in his body. He brought his hand into Rin’s hair, running his fingers through it and groaning heatedly against Rin’s tongue.

Rin’s hand slid down Aiichirou’s body until it met his crotch. ”You’re hard, too”, the boy growled into the kiss.  
”Well, I am now”, Aiichirou uttered a breathless laugh. He pulled his hand away from Rin’s hair and sat up just enough to be able to pull off his own t-shirt. He returned on his back, squirming restlessly and urging Rin to get on top of him, but the boy stayed where he was.  
”We can’t fuck”, Rin said truthfully, although his eyes traveled the bared skin with hunger. ”I’m not taking risks.”  
Aiichirou knew Rin was thinking about his condition to swim. ”Hands then”, he whined; his impatient fingers were already tugging at both Rin’s pants and his own.

They freed their lower bodies from both the clothing and the covers. Rin, still lying on his side facing Aiichirou, let out a content growl as the other boy’s hand slid down his stiff dick. His own hand was doing the same to Aiichirou. The movements of their wrists were languid at first, softened by their sleepiness. Aiichirou dove deep into the sensations Rin gave him; little sparks of electricity spiked in his body.

Rin pressed his face against the side of Aiichirou’s face; he let out quiet moans straight into Aiichirou’s ear. Then he wrapped one of his legs around Aiichirou’s and pushed his groin closer to the smaller boy’s hips, mimicking light thrusts, fucking lazily into Aiichirou’s fist.

Something in the way Rin panted into Aiichirou’s ear was not only sexy, but also somehow very sweet in its sincerity. Aiichirou liked hearing it. He wanted to hear more. He quickened up the pace of his hand; Rin groaned appreciatively and followed the example.

Aiichirou had the feeling that having an honest conversation about their sexual experiences – or the lack of – had removed an invisible barrier from between them. He could hear it from Rin’s voice alone; the sounds he made were somehow less restrained than before, as if he felt more comfortable letting Aiichirou hear him. While listening to it, Aiichirou felt waves of affection inside of him, accompanied by the pleasure building up.

Suddenly he remembered what he had heard last night. That in this world, he was the only one who had seen Rin like this.

As the thought hit him with force, he moaned and caught Rin’s lips into another kiss – he had to do it, had to get close to Rin, _closer_. Rin responded; the kiss soon escalated into a messy, open mouthed one. It was apt to stir Aiichirou up even further – his thighs tensed, his abs twitched; his voice turned higher and shakier as he moaned into the arousing wetness of Rin’s mouth, not resisting the upcoming climax.

The pleasure took over and pushed him over the edge; his body arched as he spilled over Rin’s hand and his own stomach.

He didn’t even realize his hand had gotten loose and motionless on Rin’s dick until the redhead moved his free hand on top of it and continued its movements. Rin’s mouth was on Aiichirou’s earlobe again; Aiichirou could only listen to the stream of soft, sinful noises Rin made and let his hand move, move, move together with Rin’s hand, until the other boy let out a breathless moan, and warm liquid splashed onto the flat stomach already sticky with cum.

Aiichirou had goosebumps all over. He was quite sure there was no better way to begin a new day than listening to Rin’s gasps of pleasure next to his ear while riding the afterglow of his own orgasm.

They steadied their breathing for a long while. When Aiichirou lifted his hand from Rin’s crotch, Rin’s hand followed it. The longer fingers entangled loosely with the smaller ones. Careful not to smear the sticky puddles on his stomach, Aiichirou moved the joint hands to rest on his chest.

Barely a minute of silence later, both of them let out a pained growl, when Aiichirou’s phone started playing a cheerful alarm tone.

”We should get up”, Aiichirou said reluctantly after muting his phone. ”Big day ahead.”  
Rin nodded and pulled his hand off Aiichirou’s skin, but showed no other sign of getting up.

Aiichirou’s mind moved onto the upcoming challenges of the day. He was starting to get a little nervous. ”I hope everything goes well today”, he mumbled as he searched under the blanket to find his underwear he had kicked away.  
”Everything will go well”, Rin said with a flat tone.  
”Are you nervous?”  
”I can’t afford to be”, shrugged Rin, his tone humorless. ”I have to set an example by being optimistic. I’m the captain.”  
The suppressed uncertainty between Rin’s lines was clear to Aiichirou. Offering an encouraging smile, he assured the older boy: ”You’re a good captain.”  
”I have a good team. Both in the individual races and the medley. I trust everybody”, Rin said simply.

Then Rin made a gloomy face, the kind of face that Aiichirou knew to not be a serious one. ”Although if someone goes and gets an injury right before their race or something, I’ll kill them.”  
Aiichirou snickered at the exaggeration. ”I better be careful.”  
”Not only because of our chances to get to the nationals”, Rin continued with a dramatic emphasis, ”but because if I have to keep myself from having actual sex to make sure you’re not sore, then they can sure as hell keep themselves from getting injured.”  
”Senpai, you’re such a martyr”, Aiichirou laughed out loud. ”Are you not satisfied?”  
”I am, I am!” Rin hurried to say. Then he turned his eyes off him, a faint blush spreading on his defiant face as he continued. ”Of course jerking off is a lot more fun together than alone. But... you know. We could have even more fun.”  
Aiichirou smirked. ”Yeah, I know.”

As he stepped out of the bed, planning to take a shower, a sudden thought struck him. As their relationship evolved, more and more things seemed to become acceptable, _normal_. They talked in a whole different way than before. They were open. Flirting had never really occurred between them, except when the goal was immediate sex. But now...

He gave Rin a playful look over his shoulder. ”I’m sure we can arrange something later.”

The way Rin smirked back at him made Aiichirou smile to himself for a long time.

*

Something had changed. All throughout their morning routines, Rin was somehow different – more jovial, more relaxed. He didn’t instinctively pull away from accidental skin contact, when their fingers touched while Aiichirou handed Rin a tube of toothpaste or when their feet brushed under the breakfast table. He laughed at other people’s jokes and made his own jokes on their way to the morning practice. He swam smoothly, the way he always swam in his best moods.

Aiichirou watched the twinkling in Rin’s eyes, wondering if the captain was just excited about the competition or if their conversation from last night had something to do with it. Some of Rin’s internal walls had been torn down, after all.

It was hard to tell what was on Rin’s mind, because the boy’s attention was entirely on preparations for the competition. Aiichirou decided to take the lack of extra contact between them as a good sign. Maybe Rin had really taken his advice about not having to act according to a pattern.

Morning practice went without problem, at least until Rin noticed something strange going on with Sousuke. Aiichirou didn’t hear what exactly was the deal with the butterfly swimmer, but Rin had a worried expression on his face as they talked. Sousuke cut his practice short and left the pools; his face was smiling, but his footsteps were hasty.

”What’s wrong with Yamazaki-senpai?” Momo asked, curious eyes looking up from the pool.  
Rin frowned pensively. ”I’m not sure.”

Aiichirou, who was standing on the starting block, saw concern on Rin’s face. ”Maybe Yamazaki-senpai just needs to be alone”, he suggested. ”Perhaps that’s his way of dealing with nervousness.”  
”Hm. He hasn’t been that way before, but I guess that’s possible.” Rin didn’t seem reassured, but his worried expression softened a bit when he looked up at Aiichirou’s face.

”Let’s keep working for a bit more”, Rin then said, although he didn’t sound as cheerful as before.  
Both Aiichirou and Momotarou gave him a determined nod.

*

Because Aiichirou didn’t have a solo event to swim, he had all the time in the world to really get nervous about the relay. The challenge waiting for him in the afternoon kept lurking in the back of his mind, popping up here and there to twist his stomach. However, he wasn’t entirely numbed by his usual insecurity; instead, a strong fire of ambition burned in his mind. He wanted to show everyone, his schoolmates and the audience and the whole world, what he was made of. He had waited for this moment for so long.

He wondered if the positive turn of events between himself and Rin affected his courage. He would have probably been a nervous wreck, had their relationship been in a worse state than it was right now. Knowing Rin had his back gave him strength.

He got himself immersed in watching the other people’s races. He absolutely loved the atmosphere of swimming competitions. Hearing the audience cheer for their favorites, eyes glued on the pool, was thrilling. Screaming the traditional Samezuka cheers together with his teammates created a strong sense of community he could not experience anywhere else; it was as if the whole team lent their spirit for the swimmers in the water. It was an exciting world he was glad to be part of.

As Rin swam into victory in his solo freestyle race, Aiichirou wondered if he’d ever stop feeling overwhelming happiness and pride every time he saw Rin succeed. Even though at the same time, a strange feeling burned his chest. That success would eventually take Rin far away from him.

Haru swam in the heat right after Rin’s. Aiichirou stared intently as the dark-haired boy took his place on the starting block, began the race –

– and dropped out.

The whole audience gasped as Haru’s feet hit the bottom of the pool. Aiichirou’s mouth hung open. The students of Samezuka were buzzing all around him. Everyone knew how competent swimmer Haru was – he had, after all, always been a tough opponent to the current captain of Samezuka swim team. Nobody had expected something like this to happen.

Aiichirou was stung by a vague sense of guilt. A small, bitter part of him had hoped Haru wouldn’t swim as well as Rin had; he didn’t want the guy to hog all the attention again. But the possibility of Haru downright quitting in the middle of a race had never even crossed his mind. Haru had been the clear front runner, the hot topic of this heat. Had he cracked under the pressure?

After a few more heats, the solo free event ended, but Rin had still not returned to the stands. The first heat of the individual relays began. Aiichirou was just starting to get worried, when he finally saw Rin appear and walk towards their group. But instead of taking a seat, Rin’s eyes moved over the team, as if looking for something.

Then Rin’s eyes locked with Aiichirou’s. The younger boy’s stomach turned; Rin had an unmistakably anxious expression on his face.

”Ai, come here for a bit”, Rin called with a stiff voice.

Aiichirou sprung up and rushed past everyone else, uncaring about their curious eyes on him. Rin walked away from the clamor of the arena, and even though Aiichirou followed him briskly and without hesitation, his heart was pounding with worry.

”What’s going on, senpai?” he asked as soon as Rin stopped.  
”Talk some sense to me”, Rin huffed as he turned around to face him. He was visibly agitated. ”You always know what to say to make me calm down. Calm me down. I can’t swim my 100 meter butterfly this angry.”  
”Slow down”, Aiichirou said, trying to ignore the way his heart swelled with pride for having Rin turn to him for support. ”First tell me what happened.”

Suddenly Rin froze still, his eyes widening, his breath heavy. ”Oh no. I – I just –”  
”What?” Aiichirou got frightened by Rin’s shocked expression. ”Senpai, what’s wrong?”

Rin swallowed. His face was suddenly painted with guilt. He seemed to be torn between the urge to swallow the words on his tongue and the desperate need to vent.

Finally Rin blurted out: ”Ai, I’m sorry this is about Haru again, but –”  
”No, no, it’s okay”, Aiichirou hurried to say, even though his heart sunk. So that was the reason Rin had hesitated. ”Just talk to me.”

Rin took a deep breath and slumped down to sit on the closest bench. Aiichirou sat down, too, keeping his eyes on Rin.

”He got mad at me”, Rin managed to say. ”I... I was so pissed off because he messed up his race, I went to him and he lost his temper. He never loses his temper. It’s not like him.”  
”Why did he?” Aiichirou asked cautiously. ”What did he say?”  
”That he doesn’t have a dream.” Rin tried to breath more calmly, but he kept running his fingers through his hair in frustration. ”He’s going to waste his talent like that. Everybody knows he’s born to swim – but now that he could get scouted, he just throws away his opportunities. It makes me so angry to see he doesn’t care.”  
Aiichirou kept watching Rin closely. ”Maybe he’s just nervous?”  
”No, he has an attitude problem”, Rin snarled. ”He doesn’t seem to want to swim professionally.”  
”Does he have to, though?”  
”Of course he does!”

Rin stared at Aiichirou in anger for a moment. Then the aggravated expression faded away.

”There are so many people who want to have what he has”, Rin continued with a quieter voice. ”Like you. You get there by working your ass off, while he just has to go and swim because that’s the way he is. That’s fucking unfair. And then he doesn’t even appreciate his talent.”

Aiichirou fell silent for a moment. His fingers gripping the edge of the bench tensed. Being compared to Haru always gave him mixed feelings. In this case, he could tell Rin wasn’t belittling him. Rin appreciated his hard work. But even if Rin was on his side, the fervent attitude the boy had about Haru still made Aiichirou feel a little bit insecure.

He hesitated while asking: ”Are you sure this is just about his career choice? Because I can’t help but think about other things.”  
”What’s that supposed to mean?” Rin groused.  
”Swimming career is not the only thing he has within his reach that’s not exactly within mine”, said Aiichirou, giving Rin a sharp look. ”I can’t shake the feeling you’re angry about him not appreciating that chance, too.”

They stared at each other. Rin swallowed and took another deep breath, clearly trying to calm himself down. He had sure taken huge leaps towards a more peaceful nature lately.

”Didn’t we talk about this?” he asked with a strained voice. Anxiety leaked through his tone. ”I told you he’s a friend. I don’t want him that way. And you just said it’s okay to talk even if it’s about him, so stop getting jealous.”

Aiichirou turned his eyes to the floor.

For a small silent moment, Rin hesitated. Then he shifted closer to Aiichirou on the bench. His warm fingers came to rest on the back of Aiichirou’s hand, reminding him of the way the two of them had been close to each other in the morning.

”You said we need to stop assuming things”, Rin said a soft voice. ”That means you will have to stop it, too. Okay?”

The concern in Rin’s eyes was honest. Aiichirou looked at the boy, sitting there in all seriousness and offering him a reassuring touch of his hand. Then he nodded. He had trouble controlling his emotions right now, but he knew the other boy was right.

”If someone understands him, it should be you, though”, he slowly uttered.  
It was Rin’s turn to get surprised. ”What do you mean?”  
Aiichirou gave him a little bit sad smile. ”Remember how lost you were a few years ago? You weren’t that sure about your future either.”  
”That’s different”, Rin mumbled. ”I had problems. Haru is a perfectly good swimmer.”  
”You were, too”, said Aiichirou, ”you just didn’t see it yourself back then, and it got to you.”

Rin said nothing.

Aiichirou let out a small sigh. ”You can’t pressure him into making decisions. This is about his whole future. I think he does care about it, but he must be scared.”

Rin still stayed silent. Aiichirou tried to read his gestures and expression to tell if he had chosen his words poorly and hurt the boy. It didn’t seem so; Rin was just deep in thought.

”Besides, he might not see things the way you do. Sometimes things that seem clear to you are not that clear to others”, he added, uttering a small laugh. ”Trust me, I know.”  
Rin glanced at him; his cheeks became tinted with a faint tone of red when he realized Aiichirou was referencing to all the times the two of them had misunderstood each other in the past. ”Ah. Yeah. I guess.”

Aiichirou glanced at the hand resting on his. Slowly, he started to wriggle his hand around, trying to change the position without having to shove Rin’s hand away. Finally he had the back of his hand turned against the surface of the bench, which made the undersides of their fingers press together. It was not quite hand-holding, but not far from it either.

”I’m sure Nanase-san will come to his senses”, Aiichirou smiled reassuringly.  
”I’m surprised you take his side even though you don’t like him”, Rin said.  
”I’m not taking sides, I’m just trying to understand his standpoint, too”, said Aiichirou. He stared at the floor for a moment, pondering on how to continue. ”And... it’s not that I don’t like him as a person, or as your friend. I know he’s important to you. I have to learn to accept it. I can’t keep being childish about it.”

Aiichirou felt Rin staring at him and looked up. The other boy’s eyes were full of astonishment.

”Sometimes it really doesn’t feel like you’re the younger one of us”, came out of Rin’s mouth, with a sincere, downright admiring tone.  
Aiichirou blinked. ”Oh. Uh, thank you?” he mumbled and smiled a little. ”I hope you’ve calmed down enough by now.”  
”I think so.” Rin kept watching him, the corners of his mouth quirking up slightly. ”Just so you know, I honestly can’t imagine how I’d get through everything without you having my back.”

Aiichirou’s heart skipped a beat when Rin’s face got really serious the next second. There was a sudden strange glow in the eyes framed by the half-closed eyelids and the long, dark lashes.

”I really don’t”, Rin said hoarsely, a hint of wonder in his voice – as if he had just realized something important.

Aiichirou barely breathed.

An announcement from the speakers broke the silence abruptly. Rin woke up from his daze and jumped up; Aiichirou automatically imitated his actions.

”I –”, Rin began, flushed and abashed. ”I have to go. The butterfly event starts soon.”  
Aiichirou breathed deep and nodded. ”Yes, of course.”  
”I just –” Rin seemed to be at loss of words; he kept looking for an answer in Aiichirou’s eyes, but could not find it.

Eventually he just grabbed Aiichirou by the shoulder and pulled him into a tight hug.

”Thank you for – well, this”, Rin spoke with a soft, timid voice over Aiichirou’s shoulder. ”And you know – I’ll listen to you too, if you ever need me to. If there’s something on your mind. Anything. Just ask me.”

Rin started to pull away, but Aiichirou wrapped his arms even tighter around him.

 _If there’s something on your mind._ There was. It was no wonder Haru was lost with his plans for the future – Aiichirou was just as scared.

His fingers clutched to the back of Rin’s jacket. He was not ready to let go. He wanted to stay in Rin’s arms for a moment longer, even if it was so much as a second. If only they had more time.

But now was not the right time to talk about that.

He let go and offered Rin a cheery smile. ”Your race is what’s important now, senpai”, he said briskly. ”Now you take a deep breath, forget about everything else and go kick the other swimmers’ asses.”  
Rin smiled. ”Is that so?”  
”Yes.” Aiichirou tilted his head and looked at Rin, his eyes twinkling. ”Nanase-san may not know what he wants, but you do, so go get it. Go show everyone how amazing you are.”

Rin gave Aiichirou one more soft look, until he lifted his chin, confident grin on his lips. ”All right”, he said. ”See you after the race, Ai.”

As Rin walked away and Aiichirou stayed where he stood, staring at his back, he refused to let his smile fade into a sad one.


	18. "I’m happy I got to swim with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe I made it! I’ve been very busy and/or tired lately but here it is, a new chapter to go with the birthday festivities!
> 
> ☆ **Happy birthday Boy Toy!!!** ☆ (ﾉ´ヮ´)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
> 
> Rin, Ai, me and you guys have come a long way since I published the first chapter exactly one year ago. Huge thanks for all your support!! I know the story is now very different comparing to how it started, but I hope you don’t see that as a quality drop or anything like that, and rather think of it as a reward for enduring all the angst. I’m sure we all root for Ai’s happiness, right? I’m dying to hear what you think of the fic so far so please keep hitting that comment button and making my days brighter. ♥
> 
> Also! I totally used this anniversary as an excuse to fix up some things that kept bothering me in the first chapter! Not anything world-shattering, I just fixed some awkward wordings and deepened some emotions so the chapter makes more sense overall (?). To be honest I could keep editing my work to the world’s end, but I tried to not let myself get too excited... Anyway, if you’re interested in reading a few hundred words longer, slightly altered first chapter, it’s there so go for it!

Sousuke put the small spray can into his pocket before Aiichirou could quite see it, but it was easy enough to figure out what it was. The tall swimmer walked away to watch the butterfly races as if nothing had happened, but Aiichirou was left with an eery feeling in his gut. He could still smell the familiar faint scent of cold spray, used for injuries. He was sure of it now. Something was off.

What could he do? Should he tell Rin about it? Maybe Sousuke didn’t want anyone to put their noses into his business. Why else would he have been alone in the locker room, taking care of himself in secret? Sousuke might get mad if Aiichirou interfered. Aiichirou had never seen the dark haired boy mad – and he really, really didn’t want to.

Maybe it wasn’t anything serious. Maybe Sousuke just did precautionary treatment or something like that.

But whatever it was, Aiichirou could not keep it from the captain.

*

After the butterfly event ended, Aiichirou went to congratulate Rin on his success in the race and stayed in the locker room to keep him company.

Finally he brought up the thing troubling him. ”You should maybe talk to Yamazaki-senpai before the relay.”  
Rin zipped his jacket and furrowed his brows. ”About what?”  
”I think something’s wrong with him. I don’t know what exactly”, said Aiichirou. ”But I have a feeling he might have hurt himself.”

A serious, deeply concerned expression took over Rin’s face. He shoved hair out of his face tensely, blank eyes fixing into nothingness.

”Great”, he mumbled. ”I should’ve knocked on wood this morning when we talked about injuries.”  
”But as I said, I’m not sure”, Aiichirou hurried to say. ”Just ask him about it, okay? Maybe I was wrong.”  
Rin sighed. ”Yeah. I’ll go find him. You go tell Momo we’ll come back here and start getting ready for the relay in twenty minutes.”

As they went their separate ways, Aiichirou’s heart suddenly started to beat a lot faster. There was not much time left before the big moment.

*

Twenty minutes later Aiichirou was alone in the locker room, checking his clock every three seconds. Rin and Sousuke were nowhere to be seen. The time they were supposed to meet at came and went. Even Momotarou was late, but that was to be expected – it was Rin and Sousuke he was mostly worried about.

When ten minutes had passed and it still seemed like nobody was showing up, he ran restlessly from a locker room to another to check if his teammates were in a different room. However, he could not see a trace of a familiar black and red jacket anywhere.

Finally he ran into Momotarou; they went outside together to look for the rest of their relay team.

At last they found the missing boys, or rather, heard them speaking around a corner. Momotarou was already halfway into marching to greet them, when Aiichirou grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. ”Wait.”  
”What?” Momotarou barked, confused as Aiichirou signed him to stay in hiding.  
Aiichirou stared into the direction of the voices, but didn’t move towards them. ”Listen.”

Both of them fell silent and listened. Aiichirou knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but something about Sousuke’s deep voice told him something was wrong.

The next words confirmed his suspicions true.  
”I’m going to give up swimming”, Sousuke said calmly. ”But before I do, I want truly be a part of a team with you, Rin.”

Aiichirou’s eyes snapped to meet Momotarou’s. Both boys wore an equally shocked expression. Aiichirou covered his mouth with his hand.

”Yamazaki-senpai is... quitting?” Momotarou whispered. “Why?”  
“I saw him using a cold spray before”, Aiichirou whispered back. “He must be injured. This is bad.”

They startled as Rin suddenly started to yell. ”Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?! Why did you hide it?”

Aiichirou recognized every nuance of Rin’s voice; there was the certain tone, a tone of anger and frustration that always appeared when the redhead tried to not show he was hurt. It crushed Aiichirou’s heart to hear it.

” _Why?!_ ”

For a moment, there was heavy silence.

Then Sousuke answered, a faint smile audible in his voice: ”Because I knew you would cry.”

And as if on cue, Rin cried. His pain immediately echoed in Aiichirou, and he jumped into motion without a moment’s hesitation. This time it was Momotarou’s turn to grab a hold of his friend and force him to stay in place.

”Senpai, let them sort it out alone”, Momotarou whispered to him.  
”He’s hurt!” Aiichirou croaked desperately. ”I have to be there for him!”  
”No you don’t.” Momotarou shook his head and gave him a stern, very Seijuurou-like look. ”You don’t need to always be there for him.”

Aiichirou bit his lip in frustration, but did not move. Now that he stopped to think for once instead of just rushing to act on instinct, he suddenly realized how strongly Rin’s well-being affected him. He felt bad hearing Rin’s tearful voice and not being able to do anything. He was taken over by the urge to comfort Rin, to protect him, to take Rin’s place in whatever battle he was fighting in. 

But no matter how much he wanted to help, this was something he had to stay out of. This was between Rin and Sousuke.

Rin got infuriated again when Sousuke mentioned the relay. Momotarou and Aiichirou shared yet another shocked look. Would they have to cancel the race? Rin was strongly opposed to Sousuke’s participation. Aiichirou had still not heard what exactly was Sousuke’s problem, but apparently it was an injury serious enough to make him give up swimming. It would be insane to make him swim like that. Insane, and inhumane.

But the fire inside of Aiichirou was still ablaze, scorching him through all his concern and guilt. He had fought for this competition. He had worked hard, practiced, progressed. He had waded his way through a hell of emotional storms and endured it all. Now everything was as it should be – he was so close to all of his dreams he could just about touch them. He would not give up now.

Aiichirou gave Momotarou a headstrong glance. The other boy nodded back, his face just as determined.

They dashed into Rin and Sousuke’s vision side by side.

”Let’s swim it together, Rin-senpai!”

*

Aiichirou had never been the type of person to boast at his opponents, not even in a playful way. On the other hand, he had never had enough self-confidence for that.

Now he was the first one to rise his chin and shoot a line of bluster at Nagisa as their teams stood in line before the starting block. He dared the do it, because there was no room for hesitation now. He knew what they were made of. He had faith in his team – in himself – even though he was also so nervous he felt dizzy.

Everyone in his team followed his example of boasting; he heard his own determination echoing in everyone else’s voices. They were here to win.

From the last second of countdown to the very end of the race, everything was a blur – Momotarou’s impressing start – the way Aiichirou’s own heart pounced harder after Momotarou turned and started to swim back towards him, closing in quickly meter by meter – the way he was suddenly in the water and could not hear anything except the rush of the water all around him and the distant noise of the audience – the way Sousuke dove into the water after him – despair and relief taking turns in his chest as Sousuke fought to make it through – and finally Rin, beautiful, divine Rin.

Afterwards, he had no clear memory of anything except the momentary silence as all of them stared at the scoreboard.

Second. They had come in second. They had lost to Iwatobi. Aiichirou searched for Rin’s eyes; the boy was still in the water, his eyes on the scoreboard, out of breath and clutching the edge of the pool. Was he disappointed?

”We qualified”, Rin said then. His face lit up in a dazzling smile. ”Guys, we’ll go to the freaking nationals!”

Aiichirou moved before he could think; he ran to the edge of the pool and outstretched his hand. Rin took it and let Aiichirou help him out of the pool. For a brief moment, Rin leaned against him for balance, before he straightened up and beamed at him. Somewhere far – or at least that’s how it felt to Aiichirou – the Iwatobi swimmers were hugging each other and making a ruckus.

“You guys... you did great”, Rin said smiling, his eyes traveling from Momotarou to Sousuke and then to Aiichirou. Their eye contact lingered.

Then Momotarou jumped at them and caught the whole team into a rough group hug, and suddenly the world was filled with bright colors and warmth – Aiichirou felt Rin’s arm on his waist, heard the laughter of their whole team, and his heart swelled with relief and pride.

Rin’s eyes glowed in a way that had to be the most beautiful thing in the world.

Suddenly those glowing eyes fixed into Aiichirou and were filled with astonishment. ”Ai, are you alright?”

Aiichirou wiped his face with the back of his hand – tears had begun to roll down his cheeks without him noticing. Everyone turned to look at him. Aiichirou gave them a strained smile; it was hard for him to speak because he was afraid that if he’d open his mouth, he’d really start to bawl. But it was definitely the positive sort of cry.

”Yeah, I’m just happy”, he managed to push out of his mouth, before he had to bite his lip and put down his head. He took a breath, wiped his eyes and continued: “I’m happy I got to swim with you. All of you. It was truly an honor.”  
Momotarou shrieked and blocked his ears with his hands. “Stop it, senpai! I’m going to start crying too!”  
Sousuke and Rin laughed.

Out of habit more than anything, Aiichirou’s eyes fell on Rin. The taller boy met his gaze. His eyes were twinkling; Aiichirou wondered if it was because of joy or emotion, or both.

Rin reached out his hand and ruffled Aiichirou’s hair just the way he had always had the habit of doing, but there was something new in the way he looked at him while he did it.

*

In the evening, Aiichirou had barely had time to unpack his stuff in his dorm room back in Samezuka, when Rin sent him a text message: ‘ _Come over._ ’ He didn’t hesitate.

From the second he walked into the room, it was clear for both of them that tonight was not about sex. Rin wanted to just _be_.

Sousuke had been sent to meet his doctor immediately, and Rin said it was depressing to be alone after spending the last hours in the bus filled with happy, cheerful people. Aiichirou shared his feeling. He had felt wistful stepping out of the bus; it made him a little sad to let go of the ecstasy of the day and admit that probably the most important day in his life by far was coming to an end. This way, he could enjoy the high of it for a little bit longer.

So for the rest of the evening, they sat side by side on Rin’s bed, talking about all the twists and turns of the day and sharing a comfortable silence when silence fell. 

Eventually, the conversation turned to Sousuke. Rin told Aiichirou everything Sousuke had told him about how his injury had progressed. His voice shook here and there and he had to quiet down to gather some strength every now and then. Aiichirou waited quietly and patiently until Rin was ready to continue. It was obvious that the older boy really needed to vent this out.

“I can’t help thinking I should’ve noticed it sooner”, Rin confessed quietly, after he was done with the story. The weight of the words was audible in his voice. ”I feel so guilty.”  
“There’s no-one to blame”, Aiichirou said. “He already had the injury when he came to Samezuka. There was nothing you could do.”  
“I don’t know. If he didn’t swim for our team, maybe the shoulder would’ve eventually gotten better.” Rin sighed. “I know it’s useless to hypothesize what would’ve happened if things went differently, but...”  
“I get why you’d want to hypothesize, though”, nodded Aiichirou. “It’s awful to think that Sousuke might not swim again. It’s hard to accept.”

Rin swallowed and got quiet for a long time. He seemed to be fighting tears.

”It’s unfair”, he then croaked. ”He doesn’t deserve it.”  
Aiichirou nodded, humorless. ”You’re right, he doesn’t. But it’s not about whether or not he deserves it.”

Urged on by his protective instincts, Aiichirou reached out to carefully take Rin’s hand into his own, holding it gently and turning it palm-side up. With the fingers of his other hand, he traced an invisible line across Rin’s palm, the light touch sending a pacifying signal to the older boy.

He continued caressing the skin lightly. His fingers wandered around the palm, visited each fingertip briefly one by one, until they dropped down over the heel of the hand and onto the inside of Rin’s wrist. Rin visibly relaxed as he watched Aiichirou’s fingers moving on his skin in silence.

“Whatever happens to Sousuke, it’s not anyone’s fault”, Aiichirou said quietly, his fingers traveling back to the open palm. “Especially not yours. You did your best. Don’t let your sadness make you forget how great things you’ve achieved.”

Rin nodded and said nothing. His bangs fell over his face, covering his eyes.

They were silent for a long time; minutes passed by as Aiichirou kept caressing Rin. He felt like they were both learning something new here; he was trying to get used to showing affection, and Rin was getting used to receiving it. Rin was practically like a timid wild animal; you could not approach him just like that and expect him not to run away. You had to proceed cautiously and if, _if_ you got close enough, you had to know how to touch him without scaring him off. Right now Aiichirou felt he had succeeded. Rin’s eyelids almost closed as he enjoyed himself, melting under the light, almost tickling caresses he received from Aiichirou.

The silence eventually ended in Rin asking with a slightly hoarse voice: ”Stay for the night.”  
Aiichirou froze. ”Huh?”

Rin didn’t make eye contact, but he took advantage of Aiichirou’s sudden stillness; he took the hand that had previously wandered around Rin’s skin into his.

”Having you around keeps me calm”, Rin mumbled clumsily. ”I’d appreciate it if you stayed.”

The way their fingers entangled between them on the bed was light and airy. Either of them could’ve easily pulled out of the touch any second, but neither of them did. The skin contact between them spoke silent words, the same words that always stayed unspoken between Rin’s lines. _I feel anxious. I don’t like this feeling. Don’t leave me alone with it._

”Sousuke will be back soon”, Aiichirou said hesitantly, lifting his gaze from their hands to Rin’s eyes. ”Don’t you mind?”  
”No.”  
Aiichirou raised his eyebrows. If Rin wanted to stay close to him even when Sousuke was there to see it, he probably really needed it. ”Shouldn’t you ask him if he minds?” he asked.  
“I don’t think he will”, Rin shrugged.  
Aiichirou smiled softly. “Alright. I’ll stay if you want me to.”

They continued talking like that, hands loosely joint, until the door opened. Aiichirou pulled his hand away instinctively. Rin gave him a sideways glance, but didn’t say anything. Aiichirou didn’t know how to interpret that.

“I’m back”, Sousuke said while walked further in to the room. “Oh, hey, Nitori.”  
Aiichirou greeted him back and was just about to ask about his condition, when Rin just blurted out rashly: “Ai’s going to stay here for the night.”

Sousuke looked at Rin, then at Aiichirou, then at Rin again. ”Something wrong with his own bed?”  
Rin made a face. ”Very funny.”  
Sousuke sneered back. As usual, there was next to no expression on his face. Aiichirou still had tremendous problems trying to read Sousuke and figure out how the boy was reacting to things.

“As long as you stay decent”, Sousuke finally said, a hint of smirk in his voice. ”Don’t think I won’t notice if you start something funny down there.”  
Rin chaffed back right away: “How could I possibly get into the mood with someone like you in the room?”  
Aiichirou gave Rin a somewhat horrified look, but Sousuke just laughed. “I never thought I’d be this happy to hear that my presence is a turn-off.”

Sousuke started preparing to go to sleep by taking off his shirt. His movements were a little bit stiff, because he had trouble using his other arm.

Rin got serious, staring at the bandages around Sousuke’s shoulder. His voice was quiet and humorless as he asked: ”How is it?”  
“Let’s talk tomorrow”, Sousuke said shortly. “I just want to go to bed.”

Aiichirou wondered if Sousuke really was too tired to talk or if he just wanted to talk about it in private. Suddenly he felt guilty for his presence. He was an intruder to Sousuke’s territory. He felt an urge to apologize and run.

Then he caught another glimpse of Rin’s face. The expression on it, unsure and exhausted, was a good enough reason for Aiichirou to swallow the apology on his tongue and just stay.

Sousuke climbed to the top bunk and Aiichirou sent Momotarou a text message to inform him that he wasn’t going to come back for the night. His roommate replied with a message bursting with emoticons and poorly disguised innuendos that made Aiichirou blush and make sure Rin could not see the screen of his phone.

Now that hey had already slept in the same bed once, Aiichirou didn’t see the point of being shy. As soon as he lay down under the covers, he snuggled close to Rin, wrapping his arm around the boy and pressing their foreheads gently together. Rin accepted the closeness eagerly. His own arm came to rest on Aiichirou’s waist.

Aiichirou’s fingers started doing light, soothing figure eights on the skin of Rin’s back. He could sense how much the older boy needed comfort right now. No doubt did exhaustion add into Rin’s sensitivity – competition days were always rough, even when they went well, and this day in particular had been a roller coaster of emotions. Aiichirou wondered if Rin would’ve asked him to stay if he wasn’t so tired and anxious about Sousuke’s injury. Was Rin just seeking for momentary comfort, just like he had sought comfort in sex just a few months ago?

But even if he was, was that necessarily a bad thing? Rin dared to express his vulnerability when he was with Aiichirou. He felt safe with Aiichirou. The walls between them were lower than they had ever been.

Whatever the case was, being this close felt good. Apparently Rin felt the same; his tense muscles, the frowning face included, relaxed little by little.

Aiichirou felt the bones of Rin’s back under his fingertips. He traced the shoulder blade with his fingers. These bones, muscles, skin, they all formed a creature of beauty; a creature he had the privilege of touching. And not only was he intrigued by its beauty, however breathtaking it was; this body was also a carrier to a soul full of new things to discover. He didn’t want to visit the edges of it every now and then; he wanted to explore the world inside Rin’s mind, conquer its every corner and love every star on its sky.

Aiichirou smiled at his own thoughts. Exhaustion really did make people more emotional.

Eventually growing tired, his hand stopped moving and caressing Rin. A long time of silence followed, and Aiichirou started to drift off.

He had actually already fallen in light sleep when Rin moved slightly. His mind became alert again but he figured there was no need to open his eyes; Rin was probably just adjusting his position.

He felt the other boy pull back a little and leaning his weight on one elbow, and then he went motionless; Aiichirou felt his eyes on him. He wondered if Rin wanted to say something.

Aiichirou was just planning to crack open his heavy eyelids and ask what was wrong, when he felt Rin leaning closer softly, brushing his bangs aside and carefully pressing his lips on his forehead.

When Rin settled closer to him again, leaned his chin on the top of Aiichirou’s head and started to sleep, Aiichirou fought tears yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the fluff soothed your souls as much as it soothed mine. u///u
> 
> Check out the [super cute fanart](http://nanishenanigans.tumblr.com/post/160869146854/its-aiichiro-time-once-again-my-dear-friend) Nani drew for BT's b-day T___T I'm so touched!
> 
> * * *
> 
>  **Added Sep 27th:** Just dropping by to tell you [I'm still around even though it doesn't look like it](http://tayeah.tumblr.com/post/165795644544/crawls-back-from-the-shadows-hi). I love you guys and I'll be back soon(ish).
> 
> * * * 
> 
> **Added Dec 6th:** This is getting embarrassing, but [there's another delay](http://tayeah.tumblr.com/post/168255910004/). I'm sorry ;___; I swear you'll get to read the rest eventually!!


	19. ”We’re not together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CAN YOU BELIEVE I UPDATED
> 
> For real, **I AM S O R R Y** for not updating sooner, it's been one thing after another and I just ended up on a reeeeally long dry season when it comes to writing. ANYWAY I am back on track!! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و

It took a while before buzz after the regionals died out and things returned to normal. Or at least almost normal; one big change in the swim club’s everyday life was the way the third-years discussed their after-graduation plans.

Rin often talked about the scout calls with the teachers or his classmates, and gladly told the younger students about his plans too, if he was asked. Aiichirou listened to the enthusiastic conversations and wondered why he had to feel so anxious while everybody else was excited.

Momotarou was right when he said that life didn’t end when the school year ended. There would always be summers ahead and each year would offer them new things to experience, one way or the other. He agreed on that much.

The problem was, Rin wouldn’t be around anymore.

”You seem pretty confident about your plans”, Aiichirou told Rin once after practice.  
”Yeah”, Rin said with a carefree tone. ”It’s not easy to decide, but I know I’m lucky to have plenty to choose from.”

Rin’s voice was as bright and clear as it always was when he spoke about this. There it was – the exact problem, in the form of an excited grin. No hesitation, not a care in the world. No concern for how Aiichirou might feel about things. Aiichirou thrived on seeing Rin so full of life, but he could not help a gloomy feeling inside of him.

He swallowed hard and forced the corners of his mouth up into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. ”I’m happy for you.”  
”Thanks.” Rin stopped and studied Aiichirou with his eyes. ”Is everything okay?”

Aiichirou let his smile fall.

No. Everything was not okay. The monster in the back of his mind was growing bigger and bigger every day; soon it would be too strong and loud to keep down. He craved for Rin to see it and just _understand_. He craved for Rin to pull him close and hold him against his chest, to make him feel like he wasn’t alone in this.

Of course, it was unfair from him to expect Rin to read his mind. But he couldn’t ask for comfort, either. Rin was so energetic, so full of life, and Aiichirou had no right to darken all that light with his own worries. He was happy for Rin, he really was – he did, after all, wish him well from the bottom of his heart.

”I’m fine”, Aiichirou heard himself say.

Rin nodded slowly and offered him a cautious smile.

*

When the swim club wrapped up their last practice before their week off, Rin and Aiichirou were coincidentally the last ones left after everybody else was gone. It wasn’t planned; Aiichirou and a few other swimmers had just wanted to do some extra laps to extend their training for as long as they could before the break, and as the captain, Rin had to wait until everyone was gone.

”I’m sorry, I’m the only one keeping you from leaving”, Aiichirou said as he finally hurried to the locker room. ”I didn’t even notice that the others left. I’ll try to be quick.”  
”No rush.” Rin, still clad in swimwear himself, glanced at him. His eyes went down the shorter boy’s body briefly. ” It’s a good thing that you take your time training.”

In his mind, Aiichirou cursed his cheeks for immediately reddening under Rin’s gaze. As he walked towards the shower stall, he wondered if Rin was checking out his body from an athlete’s point of view, or if there was something else in his eyes.

”You’ve done a lot of work”, Rin then said with a steady tone. He sounded firm like a captain, but his voice lacked the sharp tone Rin normally used while talking to his subordinates. ”It shows. You’ve toned up.”  
Aiichirou stopped and gave Rin an astonished glance. He was _not_ used to hearing feedback like this. ”Oh. I guess”, he said, shrugging bashfully.  
”You have.” Rin wasn’t affected by his shyness in the least. His stare sunk into Aiichirou’s lower body without any shame. ”You’re packing up a lot of strength in those thighs.”

Rin studied Aiichirou’s body analytically at first, until a familiar, peculiar glint took over his expression. The weight of his gaze started to burn Aiichirou’s skin. As their eyes met, the intensity of the eye contact made the smaller boy’s stomach turn. The corners of Rin’s mouth quirked up.

Aiichirou watched motionlessly, almost helplessly, as Rin crossed the distance between them. Then his hips were grabbed, his body was turned around, his hands rose up against the wall of the shower stall as if on cue. This was a choreography his body had thoroughly memorized.

A familiar burn immediately flared up in Aiichirou’s stomach. He wasn’t sure if the quiet moan he let out was more out of physical need or mental frustration. A part of him was angry at himself. This happened too easily, and felt too good – goddamnit, he wasn’t even really in the mood, he was too worried – but his body betrayed him and pushed back against Rin’s.

Rin’s hand slid effortlessly into Aiichirou’s trunks and emptied his mind out of every coherent thought he had.

It didn’t take long for the long, experienced fingers to get him fully hard. They ran up and down his length, assertively at first, then easing up into slower, lingering movements. The tight trunks were getting quite uncomfortable to wear but he was too couldn’t get himself to move as little as to push them down. Rin was pushing him against the wall with his body, leaning his lips against his earlobe and messing up his self-control with his hand.

A thumb brushed over the tip of Aiichirou’s dick and he wailed quietly. Then the hand kept moving with more force, forcing a high-pitched whine out of him. Unable to control his body, he bent in half, fingers convulsively grasping the walls of the shower stall. Rin’s touch was electric. It sent shocks through his whole body.

”Turn around”, Rin murmured into his ear. There was a content tone in his voice.

Aiichirou obeyed, legs shaking. His eyes became glassy as he watched Rin slide his hands down his body and dropping down on his knees. It took an effort from both of them to peel the wet swimwear off Aiichirou’s body. As soon as the garment fell on the floor, Rin moved his hands onto Aiichirou’s hipbones and his mouth on his cock.

Aiichirou whimpered as the arousing slick warmth buried him and the strong, wet muscle of Rin’s tongue pressed along him. Rin moved his mouth precisely, without rushing, knowing exactly what he was doing. Pleasure washed over Aiichirou. Rin had gotten so, so good at this somewhere along the way.

It had been a while – Aiichirou had had his last orgasm in the hotel room, the morning of the regionals. Even if he had been too busy worrying to miss sex, his body has its own wishes. Intense, desperate, mindless wishes.

Aiichirou covered his mouth with his hand while his other hand snaked up into red hair. He barely realized he was grasping Rin’s hair, just focusing on maintaining a somewhat regular breathing pattern. There were sparks gathering in the bottom of his stomach. He felt himself pulsating. Harder. Harder.

He absently picked up Rin’s subtle movements; one hand slid down from his hip, ending up on Aiichirou’s tense thigh, fingers lightly pressing into the muscle. Somehow it felt like a repetition of the earlier compliment.

The other hand sneaked into Rin’s own trunks. For a brief second, Aiichirou had time to think he wanted to help, he _had_ to help, but then Rin took him deeper and sucked. He forgot everything else and just moaned. ”Senpai, o-oh, I can’t – I’m going to come –”

He tried not to thrust his hips forward even though Rin’s hands weren’t keeping him still anymore. Shameless wails left his mouth as Rin’s mouth relentlessly drove him closer to the boiling point, closer, _closer_ , until he violently crashed over it.

With the orgasm washing over his mind, Aiichirou barely noticed that Rin was pumping his own erection with fast, fervent pulls, until the mouth around him let out a heavy groan and the fingers on his thigh dug into his skin.

Aiichirou watched glassy-eyed how Rin pulled off, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and smirked up at him. Then he reached over to the faucet and turned it. The cool spray of water hitting Aiichirou’s skin made him gasp in surprise.

”You were going to wash off”, Rin grinned, stood up and stepped into the next stall.

It took a while before Aiichirou got back from his endorphin high. He stood in the shower with his mind foggy for a long time before he could concentrate on actually cleaning up. When he stepped out of the shower a while later to get dressed, Rin followed him from his own stall.

”You seemed like you needed that”, Rin said, with next to no tone in his voice – as if that was an explanation for what he had just done.  
Suddenly Aiichirou became awkwardly aware he had given zero contribution to any of it. ”I, ah – I’m sorry, I could have – I should have gotten you off.”  
”Nah, I’m fine”, Rin said airily. ”I wanted you to concentrate on yourself. You’ve seemed tense for a while now.”

For a couple of long seconds, Aiichirou just stared at Rin, taken aback by those simple words. Had this been just Rin’s way of trying to make him feel better?

He breathed, but his inhales were weak. More than air, his body was filled with wonder. Affection. Emotion.

Rin saw that everything was not okay with Aiichirou.

Rin _saw him_.

Without thinking at all what he was saying, what it meant and what it could possibly lead up to, he whispered: ”I don’t want you to go.”  
Rin frowned at him. ”Huh?”  
”I don’t want you to go”, Aiichirou said, desperately this time. ”I’m scared of it. I’m –”

Silence lingered for a while. They stared at each other, until Rin sighed and calmly said: ”Let’s go sit by the pool for a while.”

Feeling numb, Aiichirou followed Rin back to the pool. Rin rolled up his pant legs, sat down on the edge of the pool and sunk his feet into the water. Aiichirou studied the other boy with his eyes before following his example. The water was shockingly cool to his skin after the warm shower. Still, when he realized he was shaking, he knew it was less about coldness and more about nerves.

”What is it?” Rin asked straightforwardly.

Now that Aiichirou finally had a chance to talk about what had barely left his mind at all during these last few weeks, he suddenly didn’t know how to word it out. Distance. Separation. What was it even called? Rin was going to move away, that much was obvious. Would this bizarre thing between them work over long distance?

Was Rin even interested? Maybe he considered this just another thing he was about to leave behind in Samezuka – an impermanent phase that had to end at some point.

”I thought you might want to discuss your after-graduation plans together”, Aiichirou mumbled.  
Rin frowned. ”What do you mean? You’ve heard me. It’s all I talk about these days.”  
”Yes, but you never brought it up with me.”

Rin still looked confused.

”Not that we’re together or anything, but...” Aiichirou tried again, but his voice faded away, sounding just as tired and powerless as he felt.

Rin turned his eyes to the water and ran his fingers through his own hair, sighing in uncertainty. Both of them swallowed, silently fumbling for words to say.

”I’m sure you realize the position I’m in”, Rin said sensibly. ”I’m graduating. I need to think about my future. I’ll leave Samezuka eventually – it’s not something you didn’t know.”  
Aiichirou knew Rin was right, and he utterly hated it. ”So you’re not worried at all”, he groaned.  
Rin frowned once again. ”Worried about what?”

Aiichirou didn’t answer. The whole conversation felt like stumbling on an uneven ground. Either of them took a tiny step forward, and they both just ended up falling on their faces again.

The tone in Aiichirou’s voice was lot more calm than how he felt, as he – dreading for the answer – asked: ”Where will you go?”  
”Australia, of course”, said Rin.

The word echoed in Aiichirou’s mind, even though it felt like he had heard it from miles away. A cold weight fell into his stomach. He closed his eyes. This was actually happening. His worst fears were becoming real.

Australia.  
Rin would go to Australia.

He wasn’t only leaving the town, he’d leave the country, the whole continent.

”I mean, it’s obviously the best choice for me”, Rin added, but now his voice was a lot more insecure.  
Aiichirou opened his eyes, but kept his eyes on the surface of the water. He nodded numbly. ”I know.”  
”Ai?”  
”Hm.”  
”Why is it a problem?”

Aiichirou looked up to Rin, refusing to care about the stubborn tears gathering into his eyes and eventually sliding down his cheeks. ”I need to prepare for saying goodbye to you. To us.”

Seconds passed. Rin stared at him with an empty look on his face. ”You don’t want to try staying together?”

Hearing this question hurt Aiichirou on the inside – of course it did. But the thing that surprised him the most was the fact that he actually wasn’t sure how to answer. Not once in his life had he imagined being asked if he wanted to stay with Rin, and not giving an instant ’yes’ as the answer.

”We’re not together”, Aiichirou blurted.

The tears had stopped.

Rin looked lost, almost sad, for a brief moment. Then his expression hardened. He took a deep breath and let it out in a frustrated huff. ”Why can’t things just be easy for once”, he grumbled more to himself than to Aiichirou. ”I’m sick of having to deal with drama.”  
”Drama?” Aiichirou spat out before he could get a hold of himself. ”You don’t think this is a big issue? I shouldn’t have brought it up?”  
”That’s not what I said!” Rin shouted, aggression obviously taking over him. ” _Fuck_ , Ai, you need thicker skin.”

Aiichirou fell silent. He knew this was Rin’s way of hiding his insecurity – acting as he was above his opponent, barking without biting. A defense mechanism or not, it hurt. Aiichirou shook his head in disbelief. How could Rin not get it? Just _how_ did Rin not realize how scared he was? His fear waved and raged inside of him and slid into the form of anger, until he wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or yell. Maybe both.

He didn’t know what gave him the strength to not cry. Not as if he didn’t feel like crying. Tears were gathering into his eyes again; aching, sharp and bitter.

From the corner of his eye, Aiichirou saw Rin’s shoulders slumping.

Then, barely audibly: ”I’m sorry. I shouldn’t lash out on you.”

Tense silence continued. Aiichirou tried to focus on breathing.

He had wanted Rin to think about him earlier on. Now he was angry and hurt and wanted Rin to be hurt too, because Rin should’ve been afraid of losing him, even a little bit. But that was an impossibly difficult thing to express.

He pulled his legs up from the water and pulled his knees to his chest, hugging his knees. 

This was too much. Aiichirou’s heart was too exposed and weak right now. They wouldn’t be able to handle the whole issue today, here in the echoing pool hall, when what had started out as a conversation had already turned into a fight.

”I don’t think you even realize you’re leaving me”, Aiichirou said quietly. ”And even if it’s not a problem for you, it is for me.”

Rin blinked rapidly and opened his mouth, but nothing came out. They stared at each other over a strained silence.

 _Pull me closer. Fight for me. Don’t let me go, not just like that._ Aiichirou’s mind was shouting out it’s despair once again, but none of the words got out.

When he stood up, Rin twitched but did nothing.

Aiichirou left.

*

They didn’t get a chance to talk to one another in private before it was time for the week off. Not that Aiichirou really tried – he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. He was anxious about the undefined coldness between them, but he was just as anxious, if not more, about the conversation ahead of them. Conversation during which he’d probably cry. A lot. He had no strength to face it, so he preferred avoiding it for now.

When leaving for the break, of course Aiichirou stepped out of his dorm room at the exact same moment as Rin and Sousuke came out of theirs.

Rin glanced at him, then at his big, unwieldy suitcase. ”Hey, do you need help?”  
Aiichirou didn’t meet the other boy’s eyes. ”No thanks.”

That was all they said for a while. The three of them walked along the dorm hall together in heavy silence. Aiichirou stared right ahead. Rin stole glances at him. From the corner of his eye, Aiichirou saw Sousuke nudging Rin’s shoulder and nodding to his general direction. He pretended he didn’t notice.

”Uh, so”, Rin said awkwardly, when they were finally about to part their ways. ”See you in a week.”  
Aiichirou tried to smile politely, but it felt incredibly forced. ”Yeah. Have fun.” God, even his voice was dry and lifeless.

Rin stayed put. His gaze wandered from Aiichirou’s eyes to his lips, then briefly to Sousuke, who pretended he wasn’t present at all – and then back to his lips.

Aiichirou’s heart skipped a beat. But whereas his stomach would’ve normally been taken over by a swarm of butterflies at a moment like this, he felt a painful knot tightening inside of him instead.

”I have to go”, he uttered with haste, squeezing the handle of his suitcase with both hands.  
”Okay”, Rin muttered somewhat uneasily. ”Have a safe trip.”

Several moments later, when he was safely sitting in the train, Aiichirou finally collapsed. Hiding behind a tissue, failing to grasp his own feelings, he sobbed quietly. He was so conflicted. He was still vaguely mad at Rin, but on the other hand, he was tired of the unresolved situation. Which was ridiculous, after he had actively avoided confrontation.

But on top of everything else, he felt remorse. He’d be far from Rin for a whole week, and he hadn’t even said goodbye properly. 

_This is what I’m going to get used to, though_ , he thought bitterly. Being apart. Being apart for much, much longer periods than a single stupid week.

*

The way the ringtone cut through the silence of Aiichirou’s room was intrusive, demanding. After seeing the caller’s name, Aiichirou got stuck on staring at the screen of his cellphone limply. That specific name didn’t flash on the screen that often.

Matsuoka-senpai. Still saved to his phone with the old name he used to call Rin – the name he had typed in with trembling fingers a long ago, after Rin had first given him his number.

His mind was immediately flooded with thousands of worst case scenarios as he let the phone ring, unable to press answer. Something was wrong. There was an emergency. Rin needed help.

Then he calmed himself down a bit – why would Rin call him in a situation like that? It was probably about something normal, an everyday thing, something to do with the swim club or school or – _although_ , it _was_ only the second evening of their week off, and nothing related to the swimming competition was that urgent.

Maybe – a small, tenacious voice was trying to get heard through the ruckus of his mind – maybe Rin wanted to clear things up. To apologize. Maybe even tell him how he felt. Aiichirou let his imagination lead him astray for a fleeting moment, just to dwell in the warmth of them.

Or was it the exact opposite? Maybe Rin was finally fed up with fighting. Maybe he wanted to speak his mind and tell Aiichirou to finally stop pestering him. Perhaps this was the one phone call he had always feared the most.

Aiichirou’s stomach turned. His hands shook as he received the call and cautiously put the phone against his ear, as if slowing down the process would soften the damage he was potentially facing. ”Hello?”  
”Oh – hello, Ai.” Rin sounded a little disoriented. ”I was just about to end the call. I thought you wouldn’t pick up.”  
”Yeah, well, I – I was busy”, Aiichirou lied. Nobody had to know that the only kind of busy he had been was busy panicking.  
”Sorry for interrupting.” Rin hesitated. ”I – I called because I wanted to ask, um. Can I come visit?”

Aiichirou couldn’t do anything about the astounded chortling sound that escaped his throat. For a moment he forgot he was supposed to reply. Had he heard it right?

”W-what?” he gave a baffled grunt.  
”I said, can I come visit?”  
”Why?” It was an honest reaction – this was the last thing he had expected to happen.  
”Do I need a reason?” Rin mumbled. ”Is it not okay?”  
Aiichirou ruffled his hair. ”No, it’s... I... I’m just surprised. I didn’t think you’d want to. Not after our last conversation.”  
Rin sighed. ”That can hardly be called a conversation”, he murmured, his voice so low and indistinct it was barely audible. ”We need to have a real one.”

Both of them were quiet for a while, not knowing what to say.

”My family is here”, Aiichirou finally said. ”They’re nosy. We can’t really talk in private here.”  
”Come over here then?” Rin suggested without hesitation. ”Tomorrow. You could stay over if you like. My mom won’t come home until late in the evening and I can probably convince Gou to go to a friend’s place or something.”

The suggestion emptied Aiichirou’s mind of all words again. The butterflies started to awaken in his stomach. He, staying over at Rin’s, alone, because Rin wanted to see him.

Then he realized what this probably truly meant. If there were any conclusions to draw from the past year, Aiichirou did know why Rin wanted to see him. The soft wings fluttering in his stomach started to flounder in panic, brutally hitting his ribs.

”Is this a booty call?” he blurted out. ”Because I’m really not comfortable –”  
”No!” Rin cut him off hastily. Then he uttered a clumsy, uneasy laugh. ”I mean, well, I wouldn’t say no to some wild anger sex, but... that’s not... _No_.”  
Aiichirou didn’t know how to react to Rin’s awkward attempt at humor. The boy was clearly trying to hide some sort of vulnerability. ”Then where is this coming from?” he asked.

Rin was silent. The silence went on for so long that Aiichirou could’ve thought the other boy hadn’t heard the question – but his intuition told him otherwise. Rin was gathering his courage for something. Aiichirou held his breath.

_Please. Say it. Say anything._

”I hate fighting with you”, Rin’s quiet voice finally came through. He made a sound, as if he tried to utter another laugh, but it didn’t quite come out. ”And I guess I... kind of... miss you.”

The world spun frantically and stopped moving at the very same time. His ears rushed. The sounds of the Nitori household on the other side of Aiichirou’s door, the distant chatter, the barking of their dog – everything slowly disappeared and turned into a strangely pleasant kind of emptiness, until all he could hear was Rin’s shallow breathing.

Aiichirou’s hands had stopped shaking.

”Okay”, he whispered. ”I’ll see you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to be here again  
> I'm currently feeling all of Ai's doki dokis  
> AAAAAAAAAAAA


End file.
